Well that’s all folks, its been a blast as cooler people than me might say. 300 episodes and ParPolBro is done so here is the usual gags on the return of Truss, the IMF warnings and Johnson’s Nads, plus an official resignation speech, ParPolBro secrets and all the descriptions of Sunak, Starmer and Gove from the podcast ever.
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USUAL PODCAST WAFFLE:
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Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast podcast, the comedy politics podcast that for 300 episodes has answered your call for weekly political satire, by picking up the phone and shouting ‘no, wrong number, please don’t call here again.’ I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as lettuce victim and woman who is a few sandwiches, a basket, cutlery, drink, location, and sunny day short of a picnic but would still insist she could have one, Liz Truss pops her gurning face back into politics to declare her shit premiership was actually everyone else’s fault, I agree. The fact is, Liz Truss is so monumentally thick, she shouldn’t have been allowed to do anything by herself in the first place so we should really point the finger at whoever was meant to be looking after her that day. It’s like if a dog mauls another dog, you usually blame the owner first. At the same time, the dog is then probably put down rather than given a front-page newspaper spread to say actually it only ate that chihuahua because of the left-wing economic establishment.
Things always get better before they get worse, said someone probably with one of those panicked expressions that is one further worse thing away from dropkicking a cat into a hedge and going full Falling Down mode. Is it true? Or is it just that the worse things get, the lower the bar for them being better is? Like, if you fall down a cliff face, bouncing off the sharpest rocks, trees and errant goats on your way down, is it then almost a pleasant relief when at the bottom, crumpled like a sad meat accordion, a mountain lion very gently eats your leg? It’s all relative, isn’t it? Though in the UK right now, a mountain lion eating our legs would be considered an economic migrant clearly only here to sponge off all our tasty legs that we’ve worked hard to underuse, when it should just be eating the legs of the first country it came across. The IMF, as in the International Monetary Fund and not sadly, a tribute band honouring the legends that burned £1m quid, though in a way, they sort of are. They have said that the UK is the only economy in the G7 whose economy will shrink in 2023, which makes you wonder why we’re still allowed in the club at all? But then I suppose it’s more fun for the other 6 nations to have someone to look down on, that makes them feel better about their shambolic situations. Sure, we’re doing a live re-enactment of the Handmaid’s Tale, but ha, look at the stupid UK, they’re really fucked. So, a shrinking economy, or as I’ve always liked to call it, an economini as that makes the horror seem almost cute. Maybe we can let the economy get so small, we’ll pop it in our pockets and take it on holiday to where many government ministers and CEOs keep their offshore taxes and it can bring some back as a souvenir?
Instead of that brilliant and obvs actually possible idea, the Bank of England have raised interest rates again, meaning that we can all help the economy by affording things even less than before which is how it works right? As the teachers strike took place last week and the biggest NHS strikes take place this week, how do they not understand that it is unaffordable to give them more money to pay into the economy because of the state of the economy that doesn’t have enough money coming into it? One person who definitely understands how to fix things is Liz Truss who as we might member during her five minutes in office wasn’t allowed to give her plans a proper go, and if we’d just given her another go after she completely bolloxed everything even more than it already was, then she’d have shown us that by cutting taxes for the very richest people so they pay less into the economy, the economy that needs money paying into it would be thriving from not having even more money paid into it. But as we all know, if you remember when she and her then Chancellor, Kwasi ‘inspiration for the Among Us characters’ Kwarteng was giving their pals a heads up to earn money by shorting the pound then manipulating things to make them all even richer, they were endlessly thwarted by the left-wing economic establishment. That’s what Truss says and she’s right you know, I can’t imagine anyone more left wing than the IMF, the bank of England or all those bond traders who whenever you look at them, are just flinging money to the masses for a more equal society. It’s disgusting really, how they keep putting money into hedge funds so there can be more hedges everywhere and help deal with pollution. All that money in stocks, to provide soup for homeless shelters. Next thing you know, they’ll be all woke and putting their money into Caribbean islands just to increase jobs there for retired accountants who would be otherwise out of work. That’s how it works right? It should be noted that Truss and Kwarteng’s time as the shortest serving idiots, or longest self-serving idiots at No.10 and 11, isn’t the reason we’re the last one to get picked on the G7, as that’s now down to the financial policies of Chancellor and eyes like piss holes in the snow Jeremy Hunt. But it still takes some guts and by guts, I mean she’s using her shit for brains, for Liz Truss to decide now is the time to insist actually, it’s not her fault she was so awful. And it’s not really, it’s the fault of the handful of people who ever decided she should be Prime Minister in the first place, or foreign secretary before that, or anywhere near politics at all when to really utilise her skills she should be employed as someone who checks if food is poisoned or as a crash test dummy. Its 55 Tufton Street, the supervillain HQ full of all the best funded worst opinions and if they’re sending Truss back out to wobble her head it means they either want to distract us from how the Prime Minister and what if Chuck from the Angry Birds was clinically dead Rishi Sunak, is leading us on a path to becoming a pirate stronghold. You know, just with a lot less acceptance for people with disabilities. Look, our economy is shrinking worst in the G7, everyone’s on strike and no one can afford to do anything, but can you remember when Liz Truss was there and she kept talking about how you can grow a pie?
Business Secretary and image on a contrast test that you’re told you should barely be able to see Grant Shapps, was wheeled out to say Truss did not have the right approach to taxation. Which are big words from someone who is in the government while Shell record $40bn in profits due to a lack of windfall tax or energy cap. That is Shell, who are so called as if you hold one of their petrol pumps up to your ears you can hear the sea dying. That is of course, as we all know, due to the war in Ukraine which gave Shell the inspiration and excuse for energy companies to charge loads more so they could live their best corporate planet destroying lives. They do say creativity emerges from the darkest of times and it must’ve been quite the bright spark that went right out of the box and thought ‘wow that Russia invasion gives me a great idea how we can make things worse for people in the UK too’. At least though, Shell are only being funded by ripping people off, rather than the union bosses, right? Not like the Labour Party who, as pointed out by Trade Minister and someone face swapped Jay from the Inbetweeners with a decaying corpse Greg Hands, who took to Twitter to say are still being backed by union money. Well done Gregory Handsy, it is good for you to point out a real cowboy scam. I mean when Russian oligarchs and oil companies back the Conservatives, they get heaps in return, proper value for money, yet what exactly are Labour giving back to the unions? Total scam and those democratically elected demagogues of union bosses, who aren’t bosses because they are elected, so sorry, union barons, no wait they aren’t given a peerage for brown envelope deals, er union, er bastards, yeah? Well, they should really save the cash and use it somewhere it might actually be worth it. The government are dealing with the unions in their own special ineffective way and voted through anti-strike legislation in parliament last week which is a totally normal thing for a democracy to do. There is little that says freedom of speech like telling workers they aren’t allowed a voice. The legislation means public sector workers will have to provide minimum service levels, or as it’s known for government minister, more effort than usual. The government aren’t even attending negotiations with unions, so they should at least also provide minimum service levels and at least send one civil servant along, if only so they get a breather from being bullied by the Justice Secretary and vulture cursed into a human Dominic Raab. Two birds, one stone. Negotiations back on and someone dodges having a Pret lobbed at their face again. See? It’s not hard, is it?
Perhaps Greg Hands was just jealous of Labour having funding, when donations to the Conservatives have dropped by 40%. Maybe he was just pointing it out, hoping for some inspo as to where his party could go begging for cash? It’s not looking great for the Conservatives and in particular Rishi Sunak, you know, in as much as it can not look great for someone who’ll never have to worry about money ever again can. His approval ratings are lower than the scores for empathy, warmth and presentation skills on his top trump card, with even talk that the 1922 committee are thinking of changing rules so a new contender to the Lyin’ Throne can step up if the local elections go wrong. Yes, another leadership contest, that’s what we all need. What happens when the Tories have given everyone a go? Is that when we all get to enter too or do they just start over again? I guess there’s every chance we’re now on a constant rotation system of Sunak, Truss or Pilsbury Dough twat Boris Johnson, whose also been popping up to do interviews with his top bootlicker and public safety warning against eating packs of silica gel Nadine Dorries. During the interview on Talk TV, a station that appears to only be in place to give opportunities for anyone without any discernible skills to give presenting a go, Johnson told Dorries, or Nads as he kept appropriately calling her on account of her being bollocksed 24/7, that he is learning to paint cows in his spare time. Of course, he likes cows, they’re just another thing he can milk dry without ever having to give anything back. The government spending watchdog are investigating why £220,000 of public money is being spent defending Johnson’s legal defence in the Partygate inquiry. Good. I think at the very least if we’re paying for it, we should be allowed to choose who defends him and insist his legal time are composed of all the women he’s got pregnant then ignored.
So, Sunak is trying to boost his profile meaning as he’s ever full of original ideas, he’s gone for making the benefits system even crueller and threatening to leave the European Court of Human Rights unless they let the government be even meaner to refugees. You know what’s really holding back our economy? That’s right, human rights and the good Friday agreement and by leaving the ECHR we’ll be booming as part of, er, the slave trade and in whatever you get out of a civil war. Probably more profits for Shell or something. I’m sure Sunak will have the public right back on side when he tells them that to the main thing that will help with hospital waiting lists, high heating bills and the economy is you having an even worse life and everyone pretending Northern Ireland doesn’t exist. Perhaps the key is for striking workers, and indeed everyone else, to operate with Conservative tactics? We all need more money due to the war in Ukraine, and the only thing stopping us is the left-wing right-wing government. I think you’ll find that we would all be Prime Minister and billionaires if it wasn’t everyone else’s fault that we’re not and we’re going to remove the cap on our own pay due to increased demand. I mean, worth a try, right?
Lastly, Labour MP and shower accessory Kim Johnson was penalised by her party and forced to apologise after referring to the Israeli government as ‘fascist’ when asking a question at PMQs. This is the very right-wing coalition headed up by returning Prime Minister and silly putty face Benjamin Netanyahu who is currently still on trial for bribery and corruption charges, which are always the qualities you might look for in a leader. His government has now been called a fascist by various Israeli officials, the UN special rapporteur, thousands of protesting Israelis and the new Finance Minister who says that’s what he calls himself. But I guess if Labour are against allowing self-IDing it has to stick across the board, right?
RISHI SUNAK DESCRIPTIONS
SECRETS – I burp pretty much every episode from talking too fast. I was going to put together a group of clips of all the burps but then, well, absolutely no one wants that. No one and lets face it, if you’re a fan of the expulsion of excess air, you can just watch footage of the House of Commons. ARF! Still got it everyone! I still got it!
RESIGNATION TORY SPEECH
Well, that’s it everybody. I know, I know you’re devasted to hear it’s all over, especially when an overwhelming majority of the public voted for this podcasy to happen. Of course, the left-wing media, the left wing economic system, the left wing right wingers, football players who play on the left wing, the left wing left wings of birds, people who stand on the left side of escalators, road signs that say look left and those meddling kids that stopped me getting away with it, will all tell you such a vote never happened and I did this podcast of my own accord, but that is the sort of drivel we have come to expect from those who actually check facts.
Never forget the achievements this podcast has managed. All those jokes that only lasted 5 minutes before the news cycle rendered them useless, the countless failed requests to get people to join the Patreon and of course, that 70 per cent of the population got the vaccine within 6 months. Nothing to do with this show but they might not have done if they’d got distracted by listening to podcast instead of booking it in and so the heady combination of far too fast talking, swearing, oft inability to book guests and a terrible lack of PR put them off and therefore definitely saved their lives.
British politics will continue to be an absolute shit storm of fuck festery but because of THIS PODCAST listeners to it will be even more depressed knowing just how shit storm of fuck festery it all is.
As I leave office, or at least the desk in my room I call an office, let it be known that we, I mean I, definitely me, have delivered 300 episodes, 7000+ minutes of hastily written supposed jokes, thousands nay probably millions of calling the twice disgraced MP Liam the disgrace Fox a disgrace, countless poorly recorded pops when I said words with P in them, umpteen terribly recorded interviews, two pairs of headphones, 40 new hospitals. Yes I have, yes really. No they are out there. Yes, if you can’t see them its your problem. And of course millions of people inspired to get out there and do something for their community as it means they have an excuse not to have to listen to this show again.
I am now like one of those whoopee cushions that is all farted out, my purpose fulfilled, but like, er Tarquin Priscus, who as I have quickly googled to sound clever, who was the ancient Roman creator of the sewer system, I too can retire knowing I have tried my best to filter out a lot of shit.
This is a tough time for Britain, for families, for spiders you know because its cold and they don’t like the cold and for people called Wayne but I believe we will get through it, well except all of those that won’t. And Wayne. But it is time for us to get behind other, lesser, not as interesting podcasts and see if we can listen to them for longer than it takes for a lettuce to go off, after which I’ll come back sniffing around and asking for Patreon donations to help me go on holiday even though I’ll have done nothing to deserve it.
Thank you all for being here, for listening and for supporting my ego during the moments when it was marginally smaller than a hot air balloon. But mostly thank me, because well, I’ve been brilliant and I’m sure they’ll stop all podcasts after I’ve gone as really, what is the point?
As they said in Latin, vomo vomere, to spew forth, and so I will.
Thank you all very, very much.
MY AGENT SPEAKS
SECRETS – I never finished the books of anyone I interviewed. Not even the ones I really enjoyed. One of them I only read the chapter titles for and the guest thanked me for having read it and I still feel guilty. Ish. Sort of. Not much.
Hello you. Yes, this is the final episode of ParPolBro. For now, at least, or possibly forever. Who’s to say? Well, me probably as it’s my podcast isn’t it? I’m sure that’s how it works. Well, it has been a 300-episode long ride and I couldn’t be more grateful that you all listened and supported and donated and reviewed. Even that man that gave it 1 star and said ‘Bit sad. Another Mr Angry about Brexit, disguised as comedy’ a comment that has aged really well and still makes me smile. Thanks PaddyGoesToHollyhead. Real thanks to all of you who’ve sent me lovely messages about this show ending and I’m all a bit sad I’ve decided to end it but feel like it’s the right time, even though ideally the right time would’ve been as the entire British political system collapsed and was replaced with an altruistic one made up of normal people who weren’t dickheads. But as that’s unlikely to happen for possibly hundreds of years, I thought it at least best before we get through another 6 prime ministers this year and I have a nervous breakdown.
I know I said this last week but again thank you to all of you who donated and at times, actually helped me survive rather than just helped fill up my coffee and crisp supply. I will be closing the Patreon down later this week so if you’ve never seen the now quite old video up there, do head over to patreon.com/parpolbro and sneak a peak before it goes. And I will keep the ko-fi.com/parpolbro site up but I may well change it’s name to just, you know, my name as that’d make more sense right? Or maybe I should change it to Conservative Party and see if I get loads of donations from billionaires and laundered money? Might be worth a go. And of course mega thanks to those of you who tweeted, facebooked and shouted about this in your local park to let more people know that every week they could hear a man scream through jokes into their ears.
This has, mostly been a one-horse show, because living in a flat we can’t have several horses and I don’t get expenses to heat mine with. Sorry, I mean it’s mostly all been me. For 300 odd episodes, writing, researching sometimes badly, editing and trying rather badly to let anyone know it exists. But I have also been greatly helped firstly by my brother Corin, aka The Last Skeptik, whose beats he allowed me to steal for years. If you’ve enjoyed any of the music on this podcast, there’s a 99.9% chance it’s his so do check out his tunes and stream them if you can. Huge thanks to Kat Day, who has tirelessly typed up the linear liner notes for every episode since early ones meaning that up at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk you can find all the recommendations guests made and its ended up being a pretty good resource that I feel proud of and so grateful to Kat for doing that. As well as reading my panicked DMs about not having guests or whatever else. Kat is om Twitter @chronicleflask, and often contributes to the brilliant and spooky PseudoPod which I have mispronounced for years, sometimes on purpose. Do go support and listen. All the art for this podcast was done by my pal and now sadly gone Mushybees aka Katie Coxall who passed away in May of 2021 because cancer is a piece of shit. And of course thanks to everyone who let me interview them about their cause, expertise, knowledge and opinion despite the fact I’m not some big news outlet, just a silly beardy man. I feel I’ve selfishly learned a ton from all those chats, even if sometimes it was just more stuff to be even more miserable about.
Er…is that it? It might be it. You know all the transcripts of my bits are online right? With spelling errors and everything. They’re all at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk if you want to remember how badly written some of it was. I’ve got my own mailing list you can find at my website which I forget to send out much but I will do when stuff is happening and I’ll definitely be popping on there, whatever I end up doing next. And remember to support the arts, brush your teeth for 2 minutes and turn the lights out before you go. And you know, don’t be a dickhead, don’t vote Tory and give me a shout when you know the time and place the revolution will start. Well unless it’s raining.
Now have a bit of this before you pop off.
KEIR STARMER DESCRIPTIONS
SECRETS – I still don’t understand the economy. At all.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED
People often say ‘Tiernan, in your seven years of hosting and writing an almost weekly show, except when you couldn’t be bothered, what have you learned?’ Actually no one has asked me that as its quite a contrived question and I don’t think anyone’s that bothered. But as I have now just pretended someone has, here’s a few nuggets of wisdom, rather than you know, chicken or poo types that this show has given me over a lifetime of Mondays. That’s a lifetime if you are only seven years old. In which case this podcast probably wasn’t for you.
There are political solutions to most of the worst issues we have, even though some of them, like for example climate change, the solution requires all of us to change a lot and very rich people to not be as rich anymore. But generally, it does seem more and more like the main obstacle to fixing these issues and living in any sort of reasonable place is because the people making the decisions are the absolute fucking worst, and don’t want to improve anything except their already extensive bank accounts. When politicians say, ‘it’s not that simple’, it is, and it could be, but they don’t want it to be and then make it really complicated with absolutely shit policies, never answering any questions properly, refusing to acknowledge people’s individual needs and using a whole ton of language no one else understands. If there was a written constitution that said you have to write every policy so kids could understand it, I reckon half of it wouldn’t exist as they wouldn’t want to put down ‘nurses can’t have any money because I need it to heat my horses’.
I used to joke that I’m a humanitarian, which means I only eat other people. But I think that is what I am and more and more I’m not even sure I believe in the ideas of left and right wing. I realise that sounds highfalutin and of course there’s definitely really awful right wing lunatics out there, but I mean, some of it is just basic human decency and care for other people on the planet and by pretending that’s a political stance just gives wankers an out to be inhumane and pretend your weird for I dunno, thinking kids should have food. And even saying that makes me think, is that a sanctamonius thing to think, because dickheads say ‘oh typical leftie wanting to make sure kids don’t die’ but its not is it? Its just, not being an absolutely abhorrent human being.
Political drama is absolute nonsense and rarely what the real issues and especially solutions are, but I think it’s also kind of important to help us see what kind of psychopaths are in charge at any one time. I mean, is Liz Truss’s return remotely important? No, but knowing that the people who have driven all the big political decisions since 2010 keep backing a woman whose spirit animal is a headless chicken, makes you know for sure they are terrible people.
It is time consuming but not difficult to look up things properly before you react to them or take them as given. The news is currently bullshit. Most of it, there’s obvs still some good bits but I think a majority of guests all said you should read across the news to get an idea of what the story is. Alternatively, go outside and talk to actual humans as most of them aren’t as bonkers as social media and news vox pops will have you believe. I mean some are, but not all. Or just don’t talk to anyone ever and ignore all news which will probably make you happiest.
It is not worth arguing with people on social media. They are designed to antagonise and in the time you’ve wasted pointing out why they shouldn’t bring back the death sentence but for children, you could’ve been doing something actually useful like eating crisps.
It is impossible to remove an echo from a recording of someone if they didn’t use headphones when you interviewed them. I did not record as many people living in secret underwater caves as it may have sounded.
Academics are the worst at remembering to have headphones.
I think it’s good to hope for better. I don’t think any political party in the UK gives me hope right now, but strikes, people’s movements as in campaigns not their poos and the general will and outlook that understands a need for change does too. Will it be enough? I dunno but there are a whole lot of people doing good things and it’s easy to be one of them, or if you have zero time in your life, you can support them. And if you have no funds, you can
just share their stuff, or I dunno, think nicely about them before you go to bed.
SECRETS – There’s one piece of music on one episode that I should’ve paid a licence for and I didn’t and no one seems to have noticed.
MICHAEL GOVE DESCRIPTIONS
SECRETS – One guest asked if this was Matt Forde’s podcast when they joined the zoom call and I nearly hung up on them without doing the interview.
And that is it. You know, all of it. For ever, probably. Or at least a long while. Think of me as your Tuesdays, or whatever further day of the week you tuned in as the jokes suffered decreasing topicality, suddenly now they become brighter and less full of general despair disguised with rushed jokes. Me? Well, I’ll be around, you know, so do say hey. No actually don’t, that’d creep me out and mean you knew where I lived. But until I pop up again or this podcast does or both or neither, then….
All the big love and thanks to Kat Day, my bro in the real life The Last Skeptik, the late great and much missed Mushybees and a sort of well I suppose I have to thanks to Acast.
This won’t be back next week but there’s every chance by then Liz Truss will announce she is going to be Prime Minister again as the only thing that’s stopping her is the left wing Conservative Party as she storms into Number 10 in a tank.
This week’s podcast was sponsored by…no one because Fuck Capitalism.
Well except trainers. I really love trainers. But you know in an ethical way. Damn this is hard.
It’s been a bloody pleasure.
PLAY FULL INTRO TRACK – Rappers