Taking It Back To The 2010s – Gavin Williamson with his face like a ghost horse, austerity returns and James Meadway on the even morer cost of living crisis

Released on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022.

Taking It Back To The 2010s – Gavin Williamson with his face like a ghost horse, austerity returns and James Meadway on the even morer cost of living crisis

Austerity, blaming asylum seekers for everything and Peter Kay doing a live tour again where he’ll no doubt check if anyone remembers his last one. Its all back to the 2010s but with the sad problem that we’ve already been through them so this is now worse as a result. Bullying Gavin Williamson, even worse Suella Braverman and COP27. Plus director of Progressive Economy Forum (@PEF_online) James Meadway (@meadwaj) on the state of the economy, again but you know, worse since a few weeks back when I interviewed someone about it.

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THIS EPISODE IS TAGGED WITH: • austerity, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Comedy, Conservatives, COP27, Gavin Williamson, Humour, James Meadway, Keir Starmer, Labour, NHS, parliament, parpolbro, Partly Political Broadcast, Patreon, podcast, political, politics, Progressive Economy Forum, Rishi Sunak, satire, stand-up, Suella Braverman, The Last Skeptik, Tiernan Douieb

Transcript

EP291

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that won’t be making any excessive cuts, which is why the editing is always terrible and it goes on too long every week. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as the Prime Minister and what if Richie Rich was an incel Rishi Sunak says at COP27 that he is the clean energy champion, I don’t think it counts if the only setting you use on your results is for whitewashing.

If those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it, it’s clear the biggest problem British politicians and indeed large swathes of the electorate have in 2022 is a short-term memory that would make a goldfish start a gofundme out of pity. I am aware it’s since been discovered goldfish do indeed have a memory, but I suppose choose not to recall things when all they’ve got to look back on is days and days of being trapped, going round in circles, surrounded by water full of their own shit and a castle they can’t get into. So yes, again, it’s still an adequate analogy for Britain right now. As Peter Kay announces his first new tour in 12 years, you wonder if he’ll be asking the audience to remember things from just a couple of years before that have seemingly been erased from most coverage. ‘Eh, do you remember, do ya, when the treasury had a black hole the last time eh and it was all your credit card debt even though when you applied for a credit card it goes no sorry? Do ya remember when it was all asylum seekers fault the NHS was collapsing before but then ya voted Brexit to stop that and the NHS is collapsing more and now you’re like, oh it was definitely them on a dingy what did it and they said hey we’d like to work as nurses and we showed ‘em by saying no and just dying to spit them. Take that! Do ya remember when we said we’d do more for energy companies to get green but it just meant the extra bank notes they’d get? You remember when you were a kid right and the river wasn’t full of shit? Gavin Williamson’s a twat? GAVIN Williamson eh? Gavin Williamson!’ You know, like that but with an actually Bolton accent, jokes and ticket prices that he hopes no one remembers we’re in a cost of living crisis. Do you remember when I last did a tour and you could afford to come? Etc etc. It must be tricky for the Prime Minister being in charge of the country with such serious amnesia. Rishi Sunak seems unaware of what his job is, what the state does, that Minister without portfolio and what if the Dark Judges from 2000AD recruited the Peparami man Gavin Williamson sent unacceptable texts, that his Home Secretary and inspiration for the Skeksies in Dark Crystal Suella Braverman was warned that her actions were dangerous. He’s become a sad remix of a talking heads track. Next, he’ll be at the podium announcing this isn’t his beautiful house, this isn’t his wife’s business still operating in Moscow. How do I work this? Where is that large automobile? It really makes you wonder if there’s something in the British waters right now. Oh yes of course there is, it’s all the poo and that must be why our memory has gone to shit too.

People can’t expect the state to fix everyone’s problems, said the Prime Minister in an interview over the weekend. Sure, if we take ‘everyone’s problems’ as it sounds, I don’t expect to be able to ring number 10 to ask why that one pan lid falls out of our cupboard no matter where I put it in there. But a lot of problems are definitely the state’s to fix, not least because it fucking caused them in the first place. What is the point of the state if it’s not, at the very least, going to make some attempt to do the things you’d expect from the state? Have we put the one person in charge of it that has zero idea what his job is? Is Rishi Sunak at No.10 like us letting a chicken run a nuclear power station? You have to wonder what the manual is like for those who get the job of Prime Minister. I assume it’s like the sort of plastic foldered print out using only comic sans that you’d find in an Air BnB, left casually somewhere near the phone in the Downing Street flat. It’s likely Sunak, and indeed his predecessors, only skimmed through it to find what the WiFi code was and if everything can go in the same bin. It would explain the same rookie errors if not one of them sees page 8 which explicitly says in 18pt marker felt wide red All Caps, that no one should ever hire Gavin Williamson for anything other than as pest control or as a super creepy draft excluder. The details on this page clearly list how he is a danger to national security, single handedly ruined the lives of hundreds of children, once used the phrase hard power without irony and when he laughs it looks like his rubber face mask disguise is slipping off his skeleton horse mouth. But how would Rishi Sunak have any idea apart from all those months he worked in the same government as the man who could make even Cher’s skin crawl? Just days after appointing him as a minister without portfolio so he can ruin everyone else’s, it was revealed that Williamson had sent a series of threatening texts to the then chief whip and star of Motherland Wendy Morton, because he wasn’t invited to the Queen’s Funeral meaning he was unable to sniff the coffin or whatever it was he needed to do to regain his powers. Williamson told Morton ‘Well let’s see how many more times you fuck us all over. There is a price for everything.’ Which is both a threat and proof that he refers to himself as more than one person. Rumours suggest Williamson bullied a number of people during Sunak’s leadership campaign and he’s currently the least liked cabinet member amongst Tory members. So you know, I’m sure these texts are just a one-off right? The excuses poured out from Lemongrab impersonator Oliver Dowden who insisted the texts were sent at a difficult moment in parliament, you know because they hadn’t been there for so many weeks or done any work in months, they’d all forgotten what their job was. Williamson sent them in the heat of the moment, which I mean, his wife should be livid about. And Rishi Sunak apparently knew about the bullying accusation before he appointed Williamson to cabinet, which doesn’t sound right at all, as usually with those credentials you’d get the job of Home Secretary or DWP.

I mean look at the Home Secretary, who last week flaunted her full skill set as a fascist by another other name. It was revealed she was warned countless times about the Manston migrant centre being overcrowded and unsafe, and that using hate speech could inspire the far right. But unfortunately, whoever warned her hadn’t realised that just meant Suella Braverman took them as incentives to do both. These are the things she thrives on in a way the dark side would be jealous of. If you told the Home Secretary, don’t let that kid play with the plug socket, she’d be straight there insisting the child like its fingers and play her new game of three pin pokey. Though arguably that child would still be safer than those poorly housed in centres or hotels with no safeguarding or stranded in Central London with no clothes or food like many have been. It’s odd for Braverman to refer to people seeking safety in the UK as an invasion, when this supposed invasion could be so easily thwarted by some mega-buses and an immigration system that acts like its wires have been chewed by a cat. Of course, Suella Braverman used the word invasion as purposefully inflammatory language and because she’s terrified an unaccompanied child might actually steal her job because just by having a functioning heart, they’re better qualified to do it than she is. I mean, look at how even the leftover Weetabix in a bowl from yesterday Grant Shapps did that job when he was only in it for 6 days. He listened to the legal advice and made changes to Manston asylum processing site to ensure it wasn’t an overcrowded detention centre. I mean, fucking hell, even the woman Cersei Lannister would hire as an advisor Priti Patel did that. Yet Braverman thought it was much better to go the whole hog and breach all the human rights and make people really suffer because they’d dared not to anymore. I suppose the problem is, there’s no incentive for the Home Office to make safe routes for people to claim asylum or give them any sort of reasonable treatment as fellow human beings, as then who could they point the blame on for the last 12 years of shit government? Its why even the Labour party have got all nostalgic for their racist mugs in preparation for them not fixing anything when they become the government. Labour leader and man who definitely thinks spicy food is anything with black pepper on it Keir Starmer complained that there were too many people from overseas hired to work in the NHS. Yeah, let’s stop that Starmer and let those people stop wasting their time and compassion saving our lives when its clear our politicians wouldn’t return the favour. Apparently, he was taken out of context or misinterpreted when he said during the BBC interview that we don’t want open borders and freedom of movement has gone and isn’t coming back. How do you misinterpret that, or, oh sorry, was it only meant to be heard by dogs? It’s a silly stance though as even if it does make sense to train up a lot more NHS staff, you’re only going to do that if the job pays properly, you don’t land people with student debt for training to get there and underfunding hasn’t made it the hardest job in the world. Otherwise you’re essentially just saying ‘anyone have a tendency for stabbing people with needles? No practice necessary, must just have bigoted desire to step up so no forrin has to do it instead.’ Labour have been accused of blocking leftwing candidates from standing for the next election, but Starmer insists he just wants a team that are ready for the future. By that he means people who won’t mind when he announces Labour are red to represent Enoch Powell’s rivers of blood and then rehires Suella Braverman as Home Secretary again.

Blaming immigrants is back like it’s the 2010s, and you know what else we get from that decade apart from an opposition that panders to Sun readers? That’s right, austerity is charging through the door humming Ariana Grande looking around to see where its friends ableism and poverty porn are at. The Chancellor Jeremy Hunt like someone stretched a haunted eye painting is to set out tax rises and spending cuts totalling £60bn to help deal with what they’re calling a treasury black hole. Which if that was accurate would at least give us the bonus of never letting Hunt get back out again. Then again as he is mostly dead space perhaps, he’d escape such gravity pulls. It’s clear the UK economy isn’t in a great place, with the Bank of England increasing the interest rate yet again, and claiming we’ll now be in the longest recession since the 1930s. Which is great as that decade showed these things go really well. That’s two years of recession meaning that things will be dire until about 6 weeks before an election when everyone will forget what happened overnight as Rishi Sunak tells the country he saved it and they vote him back in again. However, Hunt says of next week’s spending plan that those with the broadest shoulders will be asked to bear the greatest burden, which largely sounds like if you’re a big lad total unit you’ll have to do chain gang and rock breaking and us smaller folk will be down the chimneys. The economy will also be helped by yet another bank holiday next May for the King’s coronation, adding to the two already in that month so we can enjoy watching more money get spent on the things that really matter like the man who is 99% jowls Charles get to wear a fancy hat that he probably already tried on at least 10 minutes after his mum died and hasn’t taken it off since.

Speaking of Charles, he’s spent the past weekend hosting a reception for COP27 delegates at Buckingham Palace, while Rishi Sunak u-turn and decided he’d be going to the proper thing in Egypt as he’d done enough work on the budget now. Which probably meants he took to it with a pair of scissors, shouted ‘give everyone £10 off at Nandos’ and then walked out. Before Sunak’s speech to world leaders though the former former Prime Minister and sofa cover thrown over a wheelbarrow Boris Johnson did his own bit at a New York Times hosted event where he called himself the spirit of COP26, probably because consumed so much of the special whisky given to guests at his No.10 parties that followed, he is now largely composed of them. Johnson insisted that it was not the time to go weak and wobbly on net zero. Sure, but what’s the opposite then? Going hard on it, like Johnson did as he shafted the UK’s chances of fulfilling its climate promises by backing new oil and gas sites, scrapping onshore wind plans and re-wilding projects, opening the first new coal mine in ages and letting water companies shit in all the seas. There is no way Boris Johnson cares about the planet when he’s certain everything revolves around him anyway and its enough that he recycles his same old shit anecdotes about how actually, under his leadership the UK was great if you happily forget everything that happened. And so inappropriately at COP26 Johnson just wasted a lot of energy again though perhaps it inspired some that his resource for self-interest is seemingly renewable for ever. It’s a shame it’s so costly for everyone else. As for the current Prime Minister who is completely different to that former one that he worked under and offered to put back in the cabinet and went to parties with, well he told the world to move faster on renewable energy, you know in the way a factory boss might tell staff if they don’t meet their targets they’ll be fired, before he goes off on a golfing weekend. Sunak wants to the fight against climate change to become a global mission for new jobs and clean growth, but before that happens he’ll happily let Shell and BP keep all their profits and allow the North Sea to be drained of oil for cash. It is quite something to hear that the UN Chief, and Martin Short in film prosthetics Antonio Gutteres address the COP27 by saying we are on a highway to climate hell, which by the way I hope he’s doing in an electric vehicle or its not helping the situ. But that’s a stark warning if I’ve ever heard one, and I was once told my fingers would get chopped off if I didn’t close my fists when I fell over during ice skating. He followed it with saying humanity has to cooperate or perish, which Sunak heard and then translated as, well I’m rich so I think that means other people co-operate for me.

And I think this is the crux of the problem. Sunak doesn’t have to remember things because he’s got money and they’re of little consequence to him. He says he has zero tolerance for bullying but heard the accusations about Gavin Williamson before hiring him. The PM says he wants to reach net zero emissions but is still going ahead with all the oil drilling. That suggests to me that as someone with unbelievable amounts of money, Rishi Sunak has never seen a zero unless it’s after lots of other zeros which are all after another big number or 3. According to him, Braverman’s fascist comments about refugees being an ‘invasion’ were to do with the scale of the challenges, the numbers involved. Because that’s all it is to him, numbers and money rather than people and lives. It also explains why he’s still confident about doing the job even though he’s got negative ratings and why he’s insistent he’s actually very tall. Eh, do you remember right, do you remember when we had prime ministers who seemed even vaguely human? No actually, me either.

One person who’s also used to a lot of zeros, especially when they follow the death toll he’s responsible for, is former Health Secretary and face like a stupid hash brown Matt Hancock has joined ITV’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Despite not being a celebrity but being an elected official who pissing off to eat kangaroo dicks rather than work for his constituents. It seems he is sadly being paid £400k rather than as I had hoped, in claps, and to be an actual contestant and not as I had thought, just replace all the bugs as the creepy creature that latches onto people’s faces in front of a hidden camera, as he does have the experience for that. Hancock has had the whip suspended by the Conservative party after joining the show, and he now joins sea sponge with make-up Nadine Dorries as being Tories who thought the best way to seem popular as a Conservative is to let people see how you survive with very little for a week, and then get half a mil for trying. Hancock said in his defence that politicians should go where the people are, but they aren’t in an Australian jungle are they you fucking idiot? Go sleep outdoors in West Suffolk and eat bugs in order to survive and then I reckon you’ll have people gathering round to cheer you on. My main hope is that his parachute to get into the jungle is made by the same companies he gave millions and PPE contracts to despite producing faulty goods.

Another Tory MP that’s facing a vote to have the whip suspended is what if a pug fucked a potato Andrew Bridgen who the cross-party standards committee found had breached lobbying rules in multiple ways on a number of occasions. Which is a long way of saying his ethics are more crooked than his face. He was also found to have lied in court under oath recently too but parliament didn’t seem to mind that one as I guess telling fibs is just proof you’re meant to be an MP. If Bridgen’s colleagues vote against him, he’ll only be suspended for five days, because nothing incentivises those who are are doing wrong doings, quite like a week off for them to recharge and come back to do it even more with renewed vigour.

Nurses across the UK have voted to strike for the first time in history, with a walk out due to take place before Christmas which has really confused all the people whose argument against the rail strikes was that they earned more than health workers did. The pay of some nurses has fallen in real terms by 20% since 2010 and they are calling to rightfully be paid more with a 15% rise, because it turns out those claps really can’t be cashed in anywhere. But so far the government are only offering a rise of 4% which with cost of living and interest rates, is still a cut. You can’t be fooling nurses with inadequate treatment to heal a problem. Critics are worried about the backlog this will cause for operations and appointments, but it is being organised by the Royal College of Nursing so if they just really hammer home their link to the monarchy all the right wing papers will have to support it and demand wall to wall coverage.

The Lib Dems held their postponed conference over the weekend much to the dismay of everyone who hoped it had been cancelled. Party Leader and what if Alexander Armstrong was thrown off a cliff in a barrel Ed Davey, said that they will end the chaos of British politics, which I suppose, fair play, would be a great third act to the story they helped start with the coalition. It’d be very Darth Vader of them.

And finally, this week is the US mid-term elections where its neck and neck as to who will control congress, with vote numbers surging as a lot of Americans realise that the country being a total bin fire might at least keep them warm during the inevitable apocalypse. If the Republicans win, the US will have two years of complete stalemates and absolutely nothing getting done, which can then pave the way for the possible return of nuclear haemorrhoid Donald Trump to the White House in 2024. The Republicans current campaign against the Democrats is about rising inflation and a rise in violent crime, which they would tackle by reducing gun laws even more so I suppose then it’s not crime anymore is it, just sort of legal murdering. Who am I kidding, under a republican government there would be less violent crime but only because they wouldn’t encourage a storming of the US capitol while they were in it. As for the return of the ketchup chucking someone covered that toad in highlighter pen populist dangerous wanker Trump, he’s has said he’ll very, very, very probably do it again in 2024, but no one is sure if he means run for US President or shit himself while playing golf. I suppose as catastrophic as it would be if that happened again, at least then he could return all those top secret national security documents he left at Mar-A-Lago.

ADMIN

Holla. Lots of bitty bits of news this week wasn’t there? All terrible bits but like a kind of Muller corner dessert of shitty news toppings to put upon the yoghurt of sadness. I don’t think they do that flavour sadly. I didn’t even mention moon face Elon Musk’s twitter bonkerness, all of which just seems like he takes his ideas from 80s villains. To me, Twitter has always been full of really fucking awful people and terrible opinions so I’m not sure it’s changed that much. And if he does change the algorithm so your tweets will be at the bottom of the feed unless you pay money, which I won’t do, then at least I can pretend no one has shared my jokes because they haven’t seen them. I’m currently enjoying that he spent $44bn to keep getting completely owned by Twitter users and spend all his time having to do customer service on there. I suppose rich people have expensive kinks. Its all about free speech and then as soon as everyone changes their accounts to look like him they all get blocked. Genuinely funny. I reckon its like a kid with a new toy where he’ll break it then leave it alone and someone else will be able to buy it on ebay for fraction of the price. I’m probably going to stay on there till it dies or doesn’t, much like my tactic with parties as a teenager where I’d hang around way longer than I was welcome and end up having an awkward chat with someone’s parents where I was clearly drunk and they’d offer me some toast and keep hinting I should go home. I have set up a Mastodon account, mainly out of curiosity. I don’t understand it and I’ m not sure its great to leave one social media platform that might be going extinct and go to one that’s named after a mammal that already is. But we will see. Really I should just quit all of them and work on things I need to work on, but we all know I’d just spend the whole time procrastinating with something else instead and that could go horribly wrong. Like what if it was crossbows? I mean it won’t be, but what if it was?

Tell you what though, we did jump on the air fryer bandwagon this weekend and got a little cheap one from Argos, with the aim of being healthier and saving gas, but I don’t think its worked as I used up so much electricity seeing if I could make everything in my home crispy so I could then shove it in my face. Yes everything. Pillows are real nice crunchy. Actually, please don’t try to air fry your pillows. Thanks. You know what is real crispy though? The planet. Oh god. No sorry, I mean you amazing listeners. Does that make sense? No not really. Sorry. I’ll just backtrack from this right now. What I meant to say was you know, you’re great, and I love what you’ve done with your hair. Mega thanks to Tim who joined the patreon last week, which you too can do for absolutely zero extras, I mean there’s enough in life already right? Why not just enjoy the act of giving…me…money… and you can do that by heading to patreon.com/parpolbro or for a one off coffee buy if you can afford such things, pop to ko-fi.com/parpolbro because I do, do these podcasts for nothing except the sheer catharises of being able to shout about it all to someone. And occasional like £3 from Acast adverts or something pathetic.

Nowt else from me this week, but it’s a shorter and excellent interview this time round with Director of the Progressive Economy Forum James Meadway kindly explaining what an absolute state we’re in. You know, incase you were blissfully unaware, which I’m sure you were. Unless, wait…Rishi do you listen to this show?

INTERVIEW WITH JAMES

I’m not sure if you’ve heard but the UK is currently in a cost of living crisis….oh wait, déjà vu, I’ve done this before haven’t I? And only mere weeks ago too. Well, I suppose if the government can use the same ideas again and again, then why can’t I eh? Even stevens and all that. But since we were last in a cost-of-living crisis, we’re now somehow in even more of a cost-of-living crisis and we’re going to be in even morer of one as well. We’re not just having a recession; we’re having a two year one that if it was the type that affects hair would leave you bald all over like a concerned seal. Luckily since the heady days of the Truss leadership or whatever you call it when someone flaps about No.10 like a pigeon that accidentally got in an open window, the government’s economic strategy for tackling such things has changed and we now have Rishinomics? Sunakonomics? Rishful thinking? I dunno, but it’s definitely there to save us from this crisis. What will the multi-millionaire that definitely knows how them poor folks live, you know the poor folks with their only one or two houses, do for us? It sadly seems like it’s going to be more slashes and cuts than a session on paper craft led by Michael Myers. No longer are we going to be getting £10 off a Nandos to help out but instead its back to the last decade for just making us all pay for a decade of us having to all pay and a pandemic that we had to all pay for and a war that we’re now having to pay for and, yes you get the idea. There might be a treasury black hole but it appears we are the ones being suckered into everything. It’s a bit like we live in a giant tenement block and the landlords on the top floor have put in several heated swimming pools and billed everyone as a service charge. But Liz Truss has gone so hasn’t that just automatically fixed everything? Why does no one have any new ideas? And with even more cuts is the only industry that will really thrive hairdressers?

So yes, the economy again. While I don’t usually do a topic so soon after doing it already, it was necessary this time. I spoke to James Meadway, former chief economist at the New Economics Foundation, former advisor to John McDonnell when he was Shadow Chancellor and now director at the Progressive Economy Forum, which is working to bring together a council of eminent economists and academics to find an economic program for Britain that isn’t one of the terrible ones we’ve had already and might actually work. I asked James if there really is a treasury black hole, if there’s any case at all for austerity and if we should take down the hairdressers to reclaim our wealth? Ok not the last one, but James gave a brilliant top speed breakdown of all of it and why, well, its not great. But despite the obvious bleak ending, I hope you find this as useful a chat as I did. Here’s James:

END OF INTERVIEW

Thanks so much to James who, I hadn’t realised till we spoke, had a silly full day of interviews about the Bank of England’s decision to rise rates once again, so very grateful he fitted in time to chat with me. You can find James’s Progressive Economy Forum at progressiveeconomyforum.com and if you’re still on there, on Twitter at @PEF_online, and James is still on Twitter, I think, @meadwaj and you can find his substack at jamesmeadway.substack.com. Thanks also to former guest from a few weeks back, Tony Collins, who suggested I get James on the show.

I’ve got the next few weeks sorted and thanks to those of you who’ve been sending in ace suggestions too, but always appreciate more. My appetite for good interviewee ideas is almost as big as my one for crisps. Nearly. Sort of. And you can let me know @parpolbro on twitter, for now, Facebook and at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com.

END

That’s all folks for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast, and should you need more, well you can listen to it again or you know, subscribe so each audio hit arrives directly in your portable sound box of choice. Perhaps you might want to inform others of the existence of this weekly attempt to make some sense of the nonsense, if you can afford to chuck me a quid or two at the ko-fi or join the patreon. And if you’re feeling super daring even give it a nice 5 star review on Apple podcasts or other natural habitats of the pod.

Dank U to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back next week when Rishi Sunak announces he has a zero crime policy before announcing a new multi-million hideout for Carmen Sandiego.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was brought to you by Suella Braverman’s Invasion, an updated version of the famous boardgame Risk, where you choose how many troops you’ll need to put children into an an unsafe building. Defend your country against four people who have absolutely nothing and would just like to be nurses and work with other players on global strategies to see who can be the most racist and cruel to people who helped them aide their troops in military action last time. Suella Braverman’s Invasion.