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Transcript

Ep284

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that no one spends time queuing for, unless your wi-fi is rubbish. I’m Tiernan Douieb and after a week of mourning, queuing, businesses closing and everyone being completely deprived of comedy or critical voices, the entire country has now successfully completed their test run for what the rest of life in Britain under the Conservative government will be like.

The Queen is still dead. Yes, as hard as that is to believe, the news has unfortunately for everyone – I suppose most especially Elizabeth 2 herself – confirmed it nearly every day since she died. It has shaken many, especially rich people who must’ve really thought if you had enough money, you’d be able to buy your way out of death as surely that’s the sort of thing that only happens to poor folk. Also, those who like me, had watched the Korean zombie medieval horror series Kingdom on Netflix and were really hoping the news might change even slightly to indicate the beginning of a widespread undead takeover. Although you could argue we’ve already been there for a long time, not least now with our Prime Minister Liz Truss who is displaying many signs of having been reanimated long after her brain has stopped. But whether you’re a royalist or republican, these past 400 years of mourning – I think that’s how long it’s been – have been a remarkable showing that maybe Britain in 2022 isn’t the discompassionate place it has been believed to be by some, as actually when the time comes people will come from everywhere to provide food, flowers, empathy and genuine devotion. Not to those in need during a cost-of-living crisis of course, just to one of the wealthiest families in the world who’ve spent much of their lives tirelessly, and selflessly being born into the right family.

Hundreds of thousands of people queued up to watch the Queen lying in state, which is odd as our last few Prime Ministers have done that loads and it was reported like it was no big deal. Some stood on the cold streets of London for 15 hours or more, just to catch a glimpse of a large box that may or may not have had a body inside, like a Shrodinger’s Queen if you will, so that they could pay their respects by bowing, crying or in one instance exposing themselves and thrusting themselves against other people. Some said that sort of behaviour was inappropriate, but The Queen had many impersonators so why not Prince Andrew too? The queue became so big there was a queue to join it and whole life events took place within it, as some people fell in love and others found themselves trapped after confusedly thinking it was where to stand for the bus. Some celebrities waiting in line, others jumped the queue prompting calls to say that wasn’t how the queue worked. Everyone in it was equal and equality is important in this queue during a cost-of-living crisis, to see a box that may or may not have an unelected monarch in it. Some people made their kids queue with them from the early hours of the morning because nothing says true British values like making the younger generations suffer for some hard to justify ideological reasons. A number of people fell ill waiting and were collected by ambulances, in which they no doubt spent more time waiting than they did in the queue itself. Volunteers aiding the queue included former Home Secretary and woman who could be cryogenically frozen by making sure she’s at body temperature Priti Patel. Though I’m certain she did this so she could spot people to send to what she said was a ‘special priority queue’ that then lead directly onto a plane to Rwanda. Blankets and food were handed out to those waiting overnight so they could convince themselves they were better than homeless people and maybe if those subject to living outside on the streets hadn’t tried to get a job or have responsibilities, they could have spent the larger part of a working week in a queue instead of struggling. The queue wound round the Thames, becoming longer than those outside food banks or hospitals or the M&M Store on a Saturday, and there became speculation that this queue could indeed devour London like some mythical threat, before expanding to the home counties and beyond, Scottish and Welsh independence advocates lining the borders to fend it away but becoming overwhelmed. Eventually there would be no Britain, just a queue, with children being born in it and their passports simply having ‘queue’ under nationality which ironically gave them more freedom of movement than the British ones did, even though they could never leave the line. But it did indeed end on Sunday night with people being told entry to all newcomers had now closed, which is what happens when you have Priti Patel working with you. It was commentated that the queue was the pinnacle of Britishness, because we just love to queue don’t we and you know drink tea and colonise countries and steal all their gold. But perhaps there was something deeper in it than that. Thousands of people devoting their time and energy waiting in the cold, without question, to witness something that they’ve been told is at the end, and everyone will say it was, but they’ll never actually see any evidence of it. Is this not representative of the British mindset since at least 2016?

People of course, should absolutely have been allowed to queue, or leave marmalade sandwiches to rot by palace gates while food banks are depleted because we in a democracy and that means however you feel you should be able to express it. Unless you want to shout Prince Andrew is a dirty old man, in which case you’ll be arrested. Probably because he can’t keep affording to give everyone £12m to persuade them otherwise or it could deplete his brother’s inheritance and it’s embarrassing to keep asking the public for extras. Or perhaps it was incorrect to suggest Andrew is a dirty old man as he can’t sweat and maybe if he’d just shouted ‘weird non-sweating nonce’ it’d have been factually fine. The 22-year-old man was charged with breach of the peace after heckling the Duke of York as he walked behind the Queen’s coffin on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, which is unfair because surely he could just have been operating as an alarm to any young people nearby who might’ve had to flee for their own safety? Another man was arrested for allegedly carrying eggs, which sounds like a euphemism for having haemorrhoids. I suppose it would have been disrespectful doing your groceries near the Queen’s coffin as she certainly never did her own and it might look like showing off. King Charles was booed and heckled during a visit to Cardiff on what happened to be Owain Glyndwr day, celebrating the man who battled for independence from English rule. So far all of Wales hasn’t been arrested but they now have William as their new Prince so I’m sure he’ll have them pegged.

According to Speaker of the House and Aardman creation Sir Lindsay Hoyle, the Queen’s funeral was the most important event the world will ever see, so I do hope all those in war torn countries could find a quite bunker to watch in and people pulling their homes out of the floods in Pakistan or typhoon damage in Japan were able to find their televisions in time. Everything closed on Monday, including GPs and schools, while long needed hospital appointments were cancelled, you know, out of respect. But more likely it was just worry that the same people who said lockdown was a restriction of human rights and complain about strikes ruining people’s plans would have complained if they didn’t. My local gym was closed thought I doubt that was what the Queen would have wanted but more Prince Andrew as its unfair if people sweat while he can’t. World leaders arrived in London and were made to travel to the funeral by bus, though this could be because as we now, if they’d had Met police escorts, they’d only have to wave down one of the drivers for safety anyway. Most countries leaders or at least representatives were allowed to attend with exceptions being Russia and Belarus because of the attack on Ukraine, though obviously that’s not as important as the funeral and none of the Taliban leaders of Afghanistan were invited because I guess it’s too awkward to have the one that’s now seeing your ex that you ghosted at an event like this. Prince Andrew was allowed to attend but I suppose his history of ignoring consent and grabbing what isn’t his just follows the royals historical protocol. At the funeral Prime Minister and imagine if someone stretched skin over C3PO Liz Truss gave a very respectful reading in that it was completely devoid of life. The Last Post was played, presumably because there won’t be any stamps for a while now and the Archbishop of Canterbury said the Queen touched a multitude of lives, as has I suppose, her son. Welby mentioned how in her broadcast during COVID lockdown she quoted Vera Lynn and said ‘we’ll meet again’ and said we can all say it with her now. So that’s something to look forward to as you freeze to death this winter.

And now the UK will wake up from this endless Queen dream and find that as normal news returns with its full-blown bleakness we’ll all be demanding someone just show us the livestream of a queue again. Only this time it’ll likely be just to buy bread and reporters won’t be interested in anyone in it, and don’t even think about asking for a blanket you should just do star jumps if you’re cold. I’m sure Priti Patel will still be there, probably with a cat o’nine tails. As time didn’t actually stop, the past ten days did see things happening, even if we were to never know about them. Not in parliament obviously as they’re on an extended vacation having only sat for 4 days since July 22^nd and two of those were about the Queen. There should be some sort of campaign persuading them to get back to the office the bloody workshys.

The pound dropped to its lowest value against the dollar in 37 years, which is gutting to the Queen as usually when someone dies all their memorabilia goes up in value. There is going to be a mini-budget on Friday from the new Chancellor and Goron from Zelda Kwasi Kwarteng which is going to be the worst and not just because they could’ve called it a budgie and didn’t. Rumour suggests he will be cancelling the cap on bankers bonuses as part of a deregulation drive for the City, because the best way to help the country out of debt from a pandemic and massive funeral, is to let bankers crash the entire global financial system and that way we won’t be outliers in being totally fucked as everyone will. It’s not a recession if it’s a global financial crisis right? He’s also likely to announce £30bn of tax cuts. How will that help you in the cost of living crisis? Well maybe if you stand near someone who earns loads, you’ll be able to stay warm of the glowing smugness they’ll have at keeping more it while the government has even fewer funds. Kwarteng is also highly likely to announce 12 low tax investment zones, otherwise known as charter cities, where corporations can own the whole area with their own laws and regulations and you think your passport has restrictions on freedom of movement now, wait until you can’t leave your street unless it’s been approved by Sports Direct, or Jeff Bezos tells you can only spend your universal credit on Prime Days. A privatised country awaits us, and no wonder people are mourning the death of the Queen. It may be the last time we have a head of state instead of just ‘the board’ who we only see in shadows from floor 57 as they order the use of the water cannons on anyone allegedly carrying eggs.

The new Health Secretary have you seen what a bear can do to a sofa Therese Coffey has told department of health staff that they have to be positive in their communications with her, and not to use jargon or Oxford commas. I suggest they get around this by only ever emailing her in emojis or windings. The Prime Minister is off to the UN General Assembly on Wednesday where she will be having a meeting with US President and anaemic chipmunk Joe Biden which was postponed when time stopped last week. It has been confirmed as a full bilateral meeting which means Biden will be expecting it to be just him and Truss, and she’ll turn up with a lot of covid tests she got from Boots. It will then be conference season which the government are talking about reducing as otherwise it means Parliament won’t be back until the 22^nd of October. I’m sure they’ll insist it happens just to the end of their conference and then wraps up before anyone else can have a go. The Labour Party have unveiled their conference slogan already, which is fairer, greener future, which based on the Forde report and efforts to double private donations it could just mean they want more white rich people involved. It is apparently the party’s efforts to counter the rise of the Green Party, so I’m pleased to see that once again the Labour party have their targets on the real opposition.

Former Culture Secretary and forever lovechild of several reality TV shows and a trash compactor Nadine Dorries has deleted her twitter account, which has been suggested is to stop the House of Lords Appointment Committee from scrutinising all the mad shit she used to post. Actually I think she’s just providing a good example of doing as you say because as a proponent of the online safety bill, nothing makes Twitter a better place to be than her being nowhere near it.

And lastly owner of outdoor clothing brand Patagonia, Yvon Chouinard and his family, announced that they would be giving 100 of their company shares, worth an estimated $3bn to a trust and non-profit dedicated to tackling climate change. Incredible. I hope this kick starts guilt in other billionaires so they too give up their fortunes in order to save the planet but I think it’s more likely he’ll be called a champagne socialist, and newspapers will say that outdoor clothing is woke and well his family lives on Earth so actually it’s a very selfish move.

ADMIN

Erm, that’s it this week. I mean, has there been any other news for the last 8 days? I kept meaning to find news channels from other countries just to see but then remembered I have Netflix so didn’t bother. So yeah, not really much else to add this week is there and schools are closed so this is happening in the time I have before I tag out and have to play the same playmobil baddies game with my daughter for another four hours. And the interviewee had to reschedule so l thought I’d just do enough for me to get handed into authorities for questioning Britain or whatever and leave it at that.

Quick big thanks to Loretta, Marie, Freya and James for the ko-fi donations, which are much appreciated. I said I wouldn’t be plugging donating to this podcast but then you did and in thanking you I’m probably also suggesting others could go to ko-fi.com/parpolbro and do the same or join the patreon.com/parpolbro but you know, don’t feel you have to. In fact a better use would be donating to the fundraiser for the family of Chris Kaba who was shot and killed by the Met Police a few weeks ago, despite being unarmed which is just horrendous, and so I’ll pop the link in the pod blurb. They’ve raised an amazing amount of money so far but still have some way to go to cover the legal costs to take the police to court over this.

And that’s it. Normal service will resume next week, I hope, I guess. I mean Parliament is now off for conferences but we will have the privatisation of cities to look forward to on Friday. I can’t wait to be a citizen of Sports Direct and only be allowed to drink from oversized mugs while earning less than minimum wage. So until then….

END

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Kind thoughts and not any sarcastic ones at all to Acast, my brother the Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back next week when Kwasi Kwarteng announces that the best way to get the economy started again is for everyone to bring in any currency that has Queen Elizabeth’s face on it to him and his friends and they’ll replace it with an NFT they’ve drawn on a coaster.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by Priti Patel event and queue management. Got a queue that needs sorting out, the former Home Secretary will put everyone to the back of it except her mates and then send anyone she reckons is not British by the way they pronounce potato, straight on a plane. When it comes to queues, she’s at the front. Facing everyone else. With a taser and a worrying smile on her face.

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