The only two contenders left in the Tory leadership race are so awful the best option for the country now is to sink and pretend we were never here. The last podcast before a short summer break on all the political horror shows from the last week and a chat with Phil Wrigglesworth (@philbywigs) and Colum Leith (@commontator) about Left Cultures (@leftcultures).
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Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that like the Tory leadership candidates says it will run a positive campaign, but sadly contains nothing that is recognised as viral content. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as it’s now clear that by early September the United Kingdom will either be led by Rishi ‘my idol is Batman but if he didn’t do any of the saving people bit’ Sunak, or Liz ‘If I don’t think about it at all times I forget I have a head’ Truss, I would like to clearly state that I think the best option for the country is if we all jump up and down at the same time until the entire island sinks.
Imagine an athletics race, say a 10,000m one where none of the contenders taking place are anyone the public would like to have running, say their fave runner or even someone who’d ever heard of running before. Instead on the track, where several contenders who had spent their entire lives trying to destroy the concept of running whereever they could and only holding races for their friends or those who paid the most. They all wore highly inappropriate and expensive footwear, refused to wear their sponsors on their vests and as they threw themselves into the tarmac and flailed their arms like a distraught squid, they’d scream about how they were the best to do the running and how they the best thing for the future of running was send everyone who wasn’t white to Rwanda. If it was a horse race and the last two horses went round in circles just screaming ‘I’ve got the best ways to make sure most of you will be poor and die’ they’d likely be taken away and put down. Yet with the Tory leadership race it in only these qualities in play. Being completely unsuitable for the job they are hoping to gain, and acting despotic in a way that you aren’t sure if we should be terrified or be recommending, they’re sectioned immediately. Or more likely both, at the same time. There are two possible future residents of No.10 Downing Street left, assuming the last one has been able to be evicted in time and they haven’t had to start leaving plates of meat and young interns in a trail out of the door to lure him away. Who do we have left? Well, it’s the choice between a multi-millionaire Mr Bean The Early Years whose big hits so far have been encouraging people to die for £10 off Nandos, telling everyone to go to work in the middle of a pandemic so they could die, giving nowhere near adequate enough support to people during a pandemic so they might die, giving nowhere near enough support to the NHS so people die and living in a different country entirely. Or the other choice is a flip-flopping version of one of those inflatable suits that makes it look like you’re sitting on top of an emu, but without a rider, who encouraged people to go fight against Russia so they could die, only gets passionate about pork markets but not as a euphemism which ruins it and is able to get lost within a room. With a choice like that, you’d think it’d be time to call the whole thing off and start again from the beginning. Of time. You know, before humanity existed. But of-course the issue is, who leads the charge into oblivion is decided entirely by an incredibly small amount of the population, the Conservative Party membership. And of course the bigger issue around that is, most of them are big fans of new ways to make sure most of the rest of the country either become their slaves, fuck off or die.
Currently as we enter what feels like week 4 billion and twelve of the Tory leadership campaign, but is somehow only week 3, the competition between Sunak and Truss has already passed through various stages of trumping each other with policies, none of which are anything any real human being would actually want. Truss wants to cut everything in sight like a toddler with a pair of scissors for the first time. She’s proposed about £30bn of cuts with a mix of ones like removing the recent national insurance hike that would be good, is then body slammed into the ground by her also not raising corporation tax, tax cuts for businesses because I think you’ll find it’s the ones with the most money who are really struggling right now and cutting the green levy because I mean why help the planet while its currently on fire. I mean, it’s obvs too late to bother right? This will all be paid for by the Covid debt being spread over a longer period, which I suppose might work if they only have to pay it back once Covid is actually over, so circa 2135. This has pissed off many Tories who think tax cuts shouldn’t happen till inflation is dealt with, but Liz Truss is adamant it’s the way forward because she’s been advised by collapsed Barry Norman Patrick Minford. A man who is only knowledgeable in how to be economical with the truth or any correct predictions. Minford is most well-known for backing the poll tax, saying that Brexit would boost the country’s GDP and currently thinks inflation should be higher, which would lead to many people losing their homes and being unable to afford to eat. But then could be more popular with Conservative voters who have so many homes they could lose a few and have enough money they’ll never have to worry about that sort of thing as they could just pay to eat their least needed butlers. On the other side, Rishi Sunak has said he won’t cut taxes until we have gripped inflation, which I’m pretty sure is a sext to his wife. He’s said there should be radical reforms to how businesses are taxed but hasn’t said what they are so I’m guessing large businesses he’s friends with or has investments with or his wife owns won’t pay any and small businesses will have to pay 100% tax to make up for it to punish them for somehow surviving the pandemic despite all his efforts.
Sunak wants to eliminate one year NHS waiting times by 2024, so I expect he’ll be aiming for 3-4-year ones instead or destroy the NHS entirely so there’s no waiting times at all. Sunak says from day one he’ll put the country on a crisis footing, though I didn’t think we’d had our feet anywhere else since around 2016. Everything has felt unstable since then and as though at any moment we might all fall over. Though at least then we could lie down and just wait for the end. Is Sunak now going to stop funding the ground? Is that his next plan? Screw potholes, let’s have more sinkholes for Britain? I mean, if there was ever a time for the Earth to swallow us whole, its now, so fair play Sunak, I’m backing you on this one.
Liz Truss has announced a bonfire of EU laws that we’ve kept after Brexit, even though a ton of them are because of international law. Though if she actually does takeaway that regulation, she won’t need a bonfire as most of our buildings will be endlessly ablaze due to dismantling of safety protocols. All the EU regulations we still have, have been checked and deemed worth keeping so which ones will Truss get rid of? Maybe just all of them and then without rules no one can ever be hindered by health and safety regulation again and, yes, once more, it’ll make it easier for you all to die. Why pander to the idiot leftie woke radicals who want to get through a few months of their life without mass risk from food poisoning, their home collapsing in on them or all of their town being submerged in water, 50% of which is full of shit and piss?
It’s not just British people they want to kill off though, Sunak and Truss have been trying to trump each other, and yes I mean act like an overly sunburnt haemorrhoid former US President, by pledging to fully implement sending refugees to Rwanda and reduce immigration. Sunak says he will do whatever it takes to get the plan off the ground, and will seek other partnerships with other countries until, I presume, he has got rid of absolutely everyone out of Britain including his immigrant family that he’s been so proud of. Maybe all those campaign videos he released about them were just to reassure the Conservative membership that yes, they too should go and when he’s done and the last person in Britain, apart from some inbred Tory families in middle England and all the 4000 children of ‘someone had an anal prolapse onto a zorb ball’ Boris Johnson, Sunak will also have himself taken away. Truss said she’s determined to get the policy working and wouldn’t cower to the European Convention of Human Rights, because why would she when that’s only there to protect humans, who she, mostly wants to kill off? The Rwandan government have said that they are happy to continue the scheme of the UK sending them people that don’t deserve to go there and don’t want to, but they can only take 200. So that’s approximately £600,000 per person the UK is spending breaching human rights, not including the costs our end of actually getting them on a plane. For that money you could really punish people for seeking asylum and keep them in the UK, buy them a flat and make them have to stay here, and still have money left over to give them a tour of all our failing hospitals, overcrowded schools, and rivers full of turds. Awkwardly for both, the parliamentary joint committee on human rights has ruled that the Home Office must reconsider the Rwanda deal as isn’t safe and may break the law, but I guess both of those values seem to be key tick boxes to things that Sunak and Truss want the government to uphold.
Sunak gave the lobby a little care pack to follow him on the road that included the world’s smallest can of sprite, a factor 30 sun cream and one finger of twix. Nothing says how stingy he’ll be as a PM quite like the fact he can’t even be arsed to pay for them to have a full size Twix. I mean, it’s in the fucking name. Maybe he’s assuming the piss poor factor 30 suncream and lack of liquid in a fun size Sprite will mean they pass out from the constant heatwaves before they do any reporting anyway so wasn’t worth the outlay. Sunak has also been boasting about his time in government, saying that he flew home from an overseas trip just to stop a Christmas lockdown last December. Another way of saying that is I did extra killing of the planet just to make sure more people could die. Truss has been boosting her profile by saying that she thought Boris Johnson should have stayed as Prime Minister, a generally unpopular thought but after seeing the possibilities of this leadership contest, that could definitely change. She told an interview with GB News, the station entirely created for people who don’t know how to change channels on a television, that her favourite song is ‘I wanna dance’ by Whitney Houston. Which isn’t what it’s called. It’s ‘I wanna dance with somebody (who loves me)’ but I suppose if you include all the details it goes from being a song that sounds happy to one about a wish to end loneliness. So it’s very on brand for Truss to only mention the bits she thinks will sell it. Truss’s own social media as the final two were announced seemed to suggest she was ready to hit the ground from day one, which sounds about right. While Truss struggles to write coherent enough sentences to boost her profile, she’s very lucky to have living crash test dummy Nadine Dorries on her side. Dorries tweeted that Truss will be traveling the country in earrings that cost circa £4.50 compared to Sunak who’s wearing a £3.5k suit. Sure, but Truss isn’t only wearing those earrings is she? I mean if its about whose clothes cost least, then shouldn’t the Naked Rambler be Prime Minister? Not least because every time he stood at the podium it’d hid his jangly bits.
I don’t know where a long, oh god so long, summer of all this will lead but I have a horrible feeling we are a week away from Sunak promising to bring back public corporate punishment while Truss fires back by saying she’ll personally stick a fork into the eyes of anyone she thinks isn’t being patriotic enough because they’re too poor to really love Britain. Truss is considerably in the lead with Conservative members in the polls, and I have to admit, I had always said Tories had no conviction and would do whatever they can to stay in power. But fair enough, here they are, proving that they won’t stop being racist for anything. So we will likely have Prime Minister Truss in September, which sounds like a waking nightmare but then so does Prime Minister Sunak and perhaps we should take comfort in knowing there is some certainty ahead, and that is that the country is fucked. Again, but more so. I am of course being biased as I think they’re both unbelievably dangerous fuck wits. However I must admit both candidates have pros. I mean, Rishi Sunak has been great for Britain’s international relations. By that of course I mean his wife was registered as a non-dom for years. And I’m certain Liz Truss would get invited to all the big important global events, because they’re always in need of entertainment and watching her get lost in a room is far cheaper than a band. And perhaps by all their policies largely ending with the life expectancy of British people plummeting even further downwards, isn’t that true equality? I mean finally it won’t just be people with disabilities and the most poor who die from hunger, pneumonia and neglect, it’ll now be most of us. And if that isn’t bringing us all together I don’t know what it. Or maybe the one real source of hope is that whatever they say between now and the announcement of who the winner is, we know if they are a true Conservative Party leader with the values their members uphold, then they won’t actually ever do any of their pledges anyway and just tell you they have while hoping no one asks for details.
Boris Johnson attended his final PMQs last week, where he finished with the line ‘Hasta La Vista Baby’ though its odd for the Prime Minister to associate himself with the Terminator when he’s got quite so many kids. All the Conservative MPs gave him a standing ovation except former Prime Minister and stalegtite Theresa May which was taken as her slighting him but could also be because the coordination of slapping her hands together to any sort of rhythm just isn’t doable. Johnson has since spent the week doing what he does best, no not turning up to things. The other thing he does best. No, not impregnating women he’s not married to. The other thing. Yes that’s right, farting about in fancy dress being a useless twat for photo opportunities. This time it was while visiting Ukrainian troops training in Yorkshire where he dressed all in camo gear but sadly we could still see him. The Ukrainian soldiers let him pose with all sorts of weapons and even throw a grenade but sadly didn’t ask him to count slowly to 100 after pulling the pin. Whatever happened to friendly fire eh? Just under 2000 Conservative members have written to the 1922 committee asking that having Johnson stay as PM is the third option on the Tory leadership ballot. It is concerning if unsurprising that they think he could still lead Britain and at the same time again, looking at the other two options, this would be the first ever time Johnson wasn’t the worst possible choice. This won’t happen but what may happen is that the Prime Minister could be removed by a by-election, which would be triggered if the Privledges committee finds him in breach of parliamentary standards for lying to everyone about partygate one of the 6 billion times he did. That could cause a suspension of more than 10 days and then, by-election. Or hopefully bye-bye election. Though of course in reality he’ll be investigated by someone he’s already promised to make Baron of Bumland or something and it’ll turn out that lying in parliament if your name begins with a B and you do it on a Tuesday is perfectly valid.
Over in the sad, desolate place that is opposition town, Labour leader and man so boring that fact he’s alive questions theories about existence Keir Starmer has been setting out the party mission. Which I think they’re using in the religious way as they try to preach that what they’ve got means something when we can all see its just their fevered imaginations. They won’t renationalise the rail, water or energy companies because that’d be silly. I imagine all those things being affordable and actually efficient, then what kind of Britain would we be? That’d totally kill our global reputation. Instead they will fight the next election on the promise of economic growth while also insisting that there is no magic money tree and somehow costing all their targets. Ah maybe it is a mission, impossible. Or actually, maybe that is doable because they don’t have any plans to change anything so it will be super cheap and therefore save the country billions. Starmer has also been doing interviews where he’s done swears about Boris Johnson to show he’s cool, says he hated being investigated by police because that’s usually what he makes them do to other people for taking one pair of trainers and how the UK needs a reboot, which I agree with but you know, entirely. Like replace all the cast and setting and script and anyone who had anything to do with the original. Though I’ll be fair, Starmer can have a cameo as a background extra, not least because he’d blend in with a wall very easily. The one thing Starmer hasn’t been talking much about though is the long overdue release of the Forde report, which no, isn’t about which film is Harrison’s best, but instead an inquiry into allegations of bullying, sexism, racism of specifically anti-black and islamaphobic nature, and factionalism in the Labour Party. Turns out there’s loads of all that in there, who knew right? Well apart from everyone in Labour and all the people who had been talking about it online forever. The report said the party is operating a hierarchy of racism, because it prioritises certain types over the others depending on which brand helps them get rid of members they don’t like. It also says the bureaucracy that continued at Labour HQ from the posh Milhouse aka Miliband years into the Bernard Cribbins tired cousin Corbyn years were hostile to the new leader, were deliberately obstructive which directly hindered the 2017 election and they were rubbish at handling antisemitism, before saying that antisemitism was used as a factional weapon. Nothing like promising to tackle racism by thinking you can make it useful as though its youth unemployment and you’ve just found an unpaid apprenticeship scheme that will save you cash. A series of WhatApps are revealed from the right wing side of the party where they discussed how to divert resources to undermine the leadership and protect the party from Jeremy Corbyn. I mean, it’s weird to think how scared they were of someone who makes his own jam. Was the fear he’d smear it on the outside of their office and they’d get attacked by wasps? Or you know, just that they’d have to adopt left wing policies and pretend to actually like people more than money? So far the party leader has been pretty muted on this, but one of Starmer’s spokespeople said ‘he has made real progress in ridding the party of its destructive factionalism.’ I mean, yes he has, by expelling one of the factions entirely. That’s not unlike delivering a road map to peace that involves wiping out one side which automatically stops the other one from wanting to fire at them. Still with an inherent hierarchy of racism, sexism and bullying it does mean Labour really are ready to be in government.
Drivers have been queueing down the M20 to Dover for between 4 to 40 hours over the last few days in a total traffic gridlock as tourists tried to escape to the continent for the summer hols. It’s a little bit to blame on the sheer amounts of travellers but mostly on the fact that post-Brexit passport checks take ages because they have to make sure you can only stay in the EU for a short amount of time. That’s because they’re worried that after the leadership challenge ends many Brits will be seeking to just stay there. Its actually because we’re a 3rd country to the EU now. No not 3rd world, you have to wait till around October for that. It’s also because the government rejected The Port of Dover’s request for £33m to fund infrastructure, potentially because unfinished replicant Dominic Raab still doesn’t know what the channel is for and thought that was a lot of money for one of those when GB News manages to run on a budget of a dog whistle and some despair. Many big Brexit fans have been blaming France for it though, saying they weren’t properly prepared for shit system and decision they had nothing to do with. It is rude right? In the same way if I binge drink and vomit all over you on the train, it’s your fault you didn’t travel in a full wipeable hazmat suit just in-case. It is weird for the somehow still Brexiteers to pass the blame though when really they should be embracing this as a Brexit benefit. I mean what could be more British than queueing right? We bloody love that us Brits. And why on earth would you want to go to Europe anyway? Isn’t that slagging off Britain? Instead, you could sit in a car on the M20, in Kent aka the Garden of England and look at all the wonders such as the hard shoulder, the lorry parks and the multitude of bottles of lorry driver piss.
Just months after he criticised P&O Ferries for their mistreatment and sudden firing of staff, Business Secretary and Fawful Kwasi Kwarteng has been singing the praises of the new law meaning businesses can hire temp staff to replace striking workers. He said it was a criminal offence, but now its an option for business. I mean, that definitely sells it to me Kwasi! Why not make other criminal offences totally fine for businesses to do? What about sexual harassment? Corruption? Or would that mean they’d have to be classed as a political party? What about animal cruelty? Or arson? Why even have crimes anymore? Wouldn’t that be best for the economy if nothing was a crime and it was all business? Get rid of the prisons and replace them all with hotdesks and targets but you know actual ones that they could take out to help stocks. Finally I see our country’s future and its one as a place in sci-fi films where they have to land to make a deal with a bounty hunter and everyone double crosses each other. Still, on the plus side, we should all get cool outfits.
And lastly, the UK will host the 2023 Eurovision song contest. Great news and a brilliant way to ensure we win for once, as all the other acts will have to spend the duration of the show trying to get through the queue at passport control.
No, I don’t hate myself to stay up late just to watch the last head-to-head between those two fucking horrendous people just so I can say one of them said something even worse. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through a glimpse at exactly how awful the future dictated by a handful of people, mostly in Hampshire, will be? I would have more fun sticking very large bees into my eyes. Which wouldn’t be nice for the bees so I wouldn’t but if those were the only two options, which under a Truss or Sunak government probably will be. How’s you? Did you survive the heatwave? Are you going to go on hols or just staying in the UK to sit in 12-hour long traffic queues and either melt or drown? Not sure which is the top hols this year but probably best to pack sun-cream either way. As of this weekend I’ll be at all of the festivals where I’ll spend an hour thinking ‘yeah this is brilliant fun’ before realising no its not, I don’t want to watch Sophie Ellis Bextor do a kitchen disco not in a kitchen or even in her kitchen or at all and realising if inflation has hit the food trucks then it’ll probably be all my gigs fees that I’m doing there just to pay for a sandwich and watered down beer. WIN! I, of course jest, because that is my job. I’ll be at both the camp bestivals if you’re at any of those, then the Edinburgh Fringe for a week mostly loitering and at the Big Feastival which I think is like a super Tory one on Alex James’s farm so my plan is to shout at kids, eat everything in site, and then run away as quickly as possible. I am excited about all this work that will then have to get spent on petrol and that one, probably disappointing, sandwich. These are good times.
So obvs this is the last one of these till September as I take a short summer break but I will pop back if, I dunno, Sunak and Truss get so riled up with each other they do a fight to the death. Otherwise I’ll make sure there’s one for just after we crown the latest undeserving arsehole to ruin our lives. Thanks to Conal, Ko-fi supporter and Liz for the ko-fi donations, and to all you patreon lot who, well I suggested pausing the patreon for August because I don’t give you any extra shit and that month I won’t even be doing podcasts and we’re all out of cash. But on the poll 100% kindly said I needed money to pay for £6 tubs of lurpak too so were happy for me not to. Your endless fully typing out ‘shutupandtakemymoneyfuturamagif’ brought me much joy. Thank you. So you know, if you’re not on the patreon and want to be, why not join just as I don’t do anything for a few weeks, at patreon.com/parpolbro or you can contribute to my one festival sandwich at ko-fi.com/parpolbro too which is always appreciated.
I’ve got a well nice interview to finish off this little run, so you know, get on that eh?
INTERVIEW WITH PHIL AND COLUM
If you had the displeasure of living with me, not only would you be very concerned by the sheer depth, quantity and tone of my levels of flatulence usually around 9pm at night, but you’d also be unbelievably bored of my usual tirades about the state of culture in Britain. Its either me going on about how stupid it is that game shows used to feature normal everyday people, getting a once in a lifetime chance to win a washing machine, dartboard or holiday to somewhere there’s currently a war on. Yet now everyone is celebrities playing to win money for a charity they could already give money to anyway because they’re rich but then it turns out they’re too stupid to remember their own middle name for a final answer. So sorry Burford Orphans you can’t have crisps this week, oh and buy my new book that was ghost written by a child in a basement. Its yet another show where the worst, most boring of the Highlanders, Kevin McCloud finds people who hilariously have overspent on their huge mansion in the shape of Gwyneth Paltrow’s anus, and now it’ll have to be just be half her anus, but who knows how many millions they would have lost inside a whole one and who would have got it back? Or here’s a cooking show where for every meal you’ll need a kitchen the size of a football pitch, 400 different pans and herbs you have to hire a sherpa to collect for you from the top of Everest. There is a lot of TV that is either for rich people, or to make you aspire to be rich from your rented flat where your heating bill is about to be the same as paying for that washing machine you used to be able to win for free. Where have stories without a capitalist, must make or already have money narrative gone? Aside from the odd film, or gritty drama, its sparse out there and as always, pretty obvious the left wing doesn’t have any control over culture like the government would have you believe or it wouldn’t cost the same as building Gwyneth Paltrow’s anus to go to the theatre and every artistic course wouldn’t be getting cut from schools and universities. How do we change that? How do we make culture for everyone again and bring stories back that change how they see the world and realise the one they’ve been watching for ages is really shit? I mean, let’s face it, in a proper story, Boris Johnson would’ve been beheaded by a prince by now, or at the very least been robbed by a famous archer.
So as is a tradition that has continually happened by accident on this show, the last interview before the summer is a positive one. Yes, I had a lovely conversation with illustrator, art director and educator Phil Wrigglesworth and pamphleteer, as he likes to be called, Colum Leith about the recently published collection Left Cultures, containing accounts by many left wingers across the arts, education and politics sectors about what it was that influenced them and their politics. These are accompanied by beautiful pieces by some truly amazing artists. I must say, I’m a bit biased as I have written an entry in there which I’m very proud about, and David Biskup has done an incredible pic to go with it. But it’s a truly beautiful and inspiring read, with inspirations ranging from the more obvious and clear cut to seemingly random but clearly powerful events, books, places and more. And look, if you needed any more proof it was great, I heard that because of a piece in there by historian Alfie Steer and illustrated by Liam Barret about the Sleaford Mods, Jason Williamson himself grabbed a copy, which is amazing. So I asked Phil who created the concept, and Colum who was in charge of the editorial direction of Left Cultures, all about why they put it together, how storytelling can shape our politics and if there were any stories, apart from mine that inspired them too. Enjoy this absolutely lovely chat with the two of them:
INTERVIEW WITH PHIL AND COLUM
END OF INTERVIEW
That was Phil and Colum and what a lovely chat with them. You should, of course, head straight to leftcultures.com and grab yourself a copy. It is £12 plus postage and entirely worth all of that money and more. Get it, read it, be inspired by it, bother all the artists for how to get the prints of it. You can also find Phil’s own website at philwrigglesworth.com and his Beneficial Shock mag, which is a fully illustrated movie magazine at beneficialshock.com. Colum runs the brilliant socialcommontating.com. Just go there and enjoy that.
I know I say this every week now, but when this returns I will try to have more interviews on it. Who knows if that’ll happen or if everyone will have emigrated from the UK by that point anyway? But if there is someone you think I should talk to, or at least try to get to talk to or an issue I’ve not covered in ages or at all. Then hit those keys like they’re the qwerty tattood face of an enemy, woah that’s a bit violent sorry. Tap those keys like they’re the qwerty tattooed face of an enemy who’ll get really annoyed at the tapping and send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And that’s it for the Partly Political Broadcast for, well summer. You go away and enjoy either everything being on fire, or wet, or somehow both. All while trying to find things for your kids to do that isn’t swimming or that wanky fire poi circus thing, or avoiding kids while they are constantly swimming while doing that wanky fire poi circus thing. I’m sure you’ll all have a lovely time. But of course, this show will return and to prep others for when it does, why not tell them to give this show a go and subscribe, so that in September when it returns they’ll have forgotten what it is and delete it again? Throw a few quid to the ko-fi or patreon pages if you can to keep me er, afloat. Again, possibly literally. Maybe even give this podcast a nice 5 star review on places where you can do that, and not say, someone’s dinner table or on a hamster.
Big thanks to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik and Kat Day.
This will be back in September when as her first promise as Prime Minister, Liz Truss will declare England stop using directions or compass and that way she won’t be the only person that is able to get lost in a square room with a single door in it.
This week’s show was sponsored by Dover Queue getaways. Tired of the tedium of travelling? Sick of arriving somewhere and they don’t speak English because they’re not in England? Hate that nowhere else smells quite like that comforting whiff of your unwashed car? Try Dover Queue getaways for the simple price of petrol, you can spend weeks on the M20 motorway for absolutely nothing. Witness the beautiful sights of a lack of service stations, the central reservation, other bored looking people, and if you’re super lucky, a lorry driver having a shit behind a bush. When your kids ask ‘are we there yet?’ you can proudly say ‘no. And we never will be.’ Dover Queue getaways for the ultimate staycation.