Johnson tells his cabinet to focus on crime, crime, crime and fair play, they all do. A gags only week again on the very nearly here Sue Gray report, all the Conservative crime incidents and Andrea Leadsome doing arsonist threats.
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Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that cleverly avoids scrutiny by not having any listeners. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as the the Prime Minister and hairy flip top bin Boris Johnson insists again that work is the fix for the cost-of-living crisis, I assume he means as long as he’s in his job at No.10 Johnson will save tons of money by letting the public pay for his heating, redecorating and parties.
A good tip is to talk about what you know, and Boris Johnson understands that which is why he mostly says bullshit. Last week however, he told his cabinet ‘that crime, crime, crime is what we want to focus on’, which is astute because that is indeed what they seem to be best at. Was it No.10’s plan that during what they deemed ‘crime week’ it would be hard for interviewers to know exactly which crime to ask Conservatives about? Was it their unnamed MP that was arrested on suspicion of rape? Whoever this man in his 50s is – which while much of the internet has its suspicions it is genuinely hard to look at most Conservatives and work out which one isn’t a likely sex offender – he has been asked not to come to parliament while being investigated which is our ruling house’s way of saying ‘we don’t want him being a wrong un here, let’s let the public deal with him.’ Appropros of nothing if you live in the area of Raleigh and Wickford, prob best to be careful. No reason! Following this story, it was then revealed another anonymous Conservative MP has been accused of spiking fellow MPs drinks, with another Tory MP waking up to find his nipples being licked. There is nothing more Tory than having to date rape someone, because the very thought of consensual sex means someone else gets benefits and they are completely against that. Those were two more to add to former MP for Tiverton and man who still looks exactly the same if put in the wrong aspect ratio, go on try it, Neil Parish who watched porn in the commons which was frowned on as the only type of exploitation allowed in the Commons is that of people in minority groups. Then you’ve got MP for Frome David Warburton, a man with all the energy of someone who would try to sell life insurance to the undead, who’s under investigation for sexual harassment and of course former MP for Wakefield and Gomez Addams cosplay Imran Ahmad Khan who was convicted of sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy while advising the government on child sexual exploitation. You see? Talk about what you know. Though while many of Khan’s colleagues are appalled – though let’s face it it’s probably less to do with him being a paedophile than the idea he actually spent time with a young person – MP Crispin Blunt, a terrible accident between a woodrat and an evil scientist, has said for the second time the conviction against his colleague is a ‘serious miscarriage of justice’. There’s a man that deserves a hard drive search, though they do say the worst offenders often want to get caught, don’t they? Or maybe all of these MPs have just sussed that the best way to avoid the cost-of-living crisis is to be sent to prison where the public will have to cover even more of their living costs than they can get on expenses.
While you might think ‘wow, the Conservative Party is chock full of sex pests and creeps’, you’d be right but let’s be fair, they are also great at breaking other laws too and it’d be unfair to dismiss the entire party as only being one type of criminal and ignore their wide array of other lawbreaking skills. The Met police have concluded their investigation into the Covid rule breaking parties at No.10 and are giving out 126 fines across eight events, which is, I think you’ll agree world leading yet again. Yet somehow neither Boris Johnson, or his wife Carrie whose entire face looks like its developed to avoid having to look at people beneath her, have both evaded more fines. How? They were at some of the other events, so are we to assume they brought the mood down so much whilst there that it could no longer be considered a party till they left? Did absolutely everyone ghost them while they were there because the last thing they wanted was to have to speak to those idiots outside of working hours as well? Or were Johnson and Carrie so off their face while in attendance they were in fact also not there as well? Pictures were leaked of Johnson at an event on November 2020, holding a glass of booze with his red briefcase on the table doing what appears to be cheers motions or perhaps he is about to throw the drink away before condemning staff for holding an illegal event…hahahah who am I kidding? He’s getting wasted. This was an event the Met fined people for, just not Johnson but the story is already that he only popped in for 10 mins. I didn’t realise that was the clause in the law that you could attend illegal covid rule breaking events for a small amount of time, but perhaps it’s like the parking ticket 10-minute grace period. You know, except in this instance it’d be like taking a resident parking space and blocking in other people who really wanted to visit a loved one in hospital before they die but couldn’t because you’ve wedged them in like a No.10 party cheesebox.
It’s tricky to say without further information, but Johnson did break the law at least once, and 7 other parties took place at his home and work, so again if you don’t think he should resign for being a big crim, then he should at least step down because what use is a Prime Minster who fails to even be responsible for his own party? Sue Gray, the British political system’s official researcher into the relationship between water and duck’s backs, should be releasing her long-awaited report in the next few days, possibly even by the time you hear this, and apparently it will name all the top officials responsible for the illegal events. Will it have the Prime Minister’s name blazoned across it? Or will it merely blame the young civil servants who had the gall to accept an invite to a party from the PM, rather than be middle aged enough to say, ‘no sorry, I’ve got to stay at home, spend three hours skipping through tv shows I don’t want to watch then go to bed’? Or will the Prime Minister have coerced her into making sure all she writes is ‘SUE GRAY DID IT SUE GRAY SORRY’ before publicly resigning while crying about how she once made a joke about a party that didn’t happen when she was 17. The Prime Minister did have a secret meeting with Sue Gray to discuss her investigation. Maybe, possibly. No.10 won’t confirm it, and doesn’t seem to have a clue who arranged the meeting as though maybe Johnson and Gray just happened to bump into each other and have a chat, possibly at a party. Education Minister and man who takes all his style tips from a cress head Nadhim Zawahi insisted that the Prime Minister would never intervene in the report which is reassuring that there is one thing Johnson won’t interfere with. I guess exceptions to every rule and that right? No.10 then did admit that they initially suggested the meeting with Sue Gray but then she’d suggested it herself afterwards, which makes you wonder if that’s also how her report will go. They won’t be revealing the minutes of that meeting either way, not least because it’s very hard to type up the sounds different sizes of wads of cash make when handed over.
It is a real indication of how politics is in Britain right now that its both very plausible that the Prime minister did interfere with the report, but also that he has no clue if he met Sue Gray or not, or where he was, where he’s been and when he last washed. Maybe someone should carry out an independent investigation into it? And this is an independent investigation from Sue Gray who everyone in government knows and says is great and has round for Christmas dinner and has 400 friendly nicknames for like Excusin’ Susan, or Sue Who Won’t Report What’s True, or Getaway with it Gray. Probably. Rumours so far suggest much of the blame could be placed on Simon Case, a sort of pencil with teeth of a man, who was originally meant to investigate the parties till it was discovered he was at most of them. Though I’d argue that once again, talk about what you know right? You know what? It probably is his fault as he’s head of the civil service, and no one dictates what happens at No.10 quite like the civil service which is why the Prime Minister is talking about sacking 90,000 of them. Then it’ll just be him and the cabinet doing everything all by themselves and I’m sure all the work will get done despite Johnson not having a clue what meetings he’s at and with whom or if they’re even parties or not. I like the idea of a civil service-less government, but that’s mostly because there’s no way ministers would be able to push their shitty policies through by themselves and it might give us all some breathing space while they spend months trying to work out how to use Excel, get their own lunch or last a day without anyone to sexually harass. Will the full report be the Johnson ending novella we’re all hoping for, or just a 4-page document with so many black lines through it, it looks like a shit optical illusion? Only time will tell, but if it has a foreword by the Prime Minister and quotes on the front by various cabinet ministers saying ‘a thrilling read’, ‘I couldn’t put it down’, then I reckon it won’t be worth reading the rest. One thing that is good is that while all this crime is happening in the Conservative Party, the Home Secretary and the human version of when you have something sharp in your shoe Priti Patel is going to give all volunteer police officers tasers. The idea of using my free time to work for the Met has never appealed to me, but now I know I could put on a hat and incapacitate a Tory MP before they lick someone’s nipples, I might well sign up. The Department of Work and Pensions are also being given the authority to arrest and carry out raids on those they think are committing benefit fraud, even though a good percentage of fraud carried out in 2020/21 was due to errors by the DWP themselves. So, with luck all this will mean is that Works and Pensions Secretary and walking bearskin hat Theresa Coffey will have to taser herself in the face. It is highly depressing that people who are already struggling to claim what they should be able to get, may now be arrested for not filling in forms or dealing with staff who don’t understand disabilities, but at the same time I can’t imagine the DWP will be able to find evidence of fraud when they often can’t seem to tell if someone has mobility issues despite being dead.
What they all need to realise though, is that they wouldn’t even need benefits when they could just work their way out of the cost-of-living crisis. Especially because if you work 24 hours a day you’ll never get to go home and you can just turn the heating off, or even just move out and save on rent by sleeping in the staff kitchen. You know, for Britain. Inflation is now at a 40-year high, so it’s nice to know something in this country is actually doing well and overachieving. Finally, back on the leader board, you go for it inflation coming back against all the odds like you’re a cheesy song sung by a grinning beardo in a jumpsuit. Actually, you’ll be pleased to hear, it’s not only inflation, but also billionaires who are doing great right now, with 177 of them in the UK compared to just 29 in 2010. Who says the Conservatives don’t help minority groups? While he’s not quite there, the Chancellor Rishi Sunak, a man who still has a reward star chart on the wall at home for when he brushes his teeth properly, has now joined the UK’s Rich List with his wife as they have a combined wealth of £730m placing them at position 222 which is impressive for two people who supposedly don’t even live in the country. Sunak is the first front line politician to join the rich list ever, and while many would complain that it shows yet again how out of touch the Chancellor is with real people, I’d say actually it shows that actually it means he knows about money. Which means he’s the only member of the cabinet who gets at least one element of their job. Sure, Sunak understands money in the same way the Selfish Giant understands gardening but still, it’s something. To show how much he is in touch with people though, Rishi Sunak told the Confederation of British Industry that it would be a tough year ahead, though it’s not certain if he meant due to inflation or his constant dilemma about which of his houses to be in or which country to pretend he’s a resident of. The Conservatives voted overwhelmingly against Labour’s motion in the Commons for a windfall tax on energy companies but you have to remember it’s not just because they’re in the pockets of big oil and gas and would much rather you die of poverty than make John Shell and Claire BP lose money, but it is also because it was a Labour motion and they never vote for those regardless of what they are. But they also would rather you die of poverty than make John Shell and Claire BP lose money. Yet the government haven’t ruled out the idea of going ahead with a windfall tax and the Prime Minister has said that there is more they’re going to do to help people, we’ll just have to wait a bit longer. How long? I’m guessing till everyone’s frozen to death and they don’t have to help anyone anymore, or we’ve already paid all our savings in heating bills and it’s now just 4 weeks till a general election? Johnson said the government were going to put their arms round people to help, but I think considering all the allegations against MPs right now, it’d be more welcomed if they just cut bills thanks. Former Chancellor and always walking wax cylinder George Osborne has suggested a way out of the cost-of-living crisis would be for the government to send all people in poverty a cheque, because he’s like a shitty boyfriend that’ll step in when he sees someone mistreating his ex as that was his job. What he didn’t say was how much the cheque should be for, but I’m guessing he’d go for a minus figure, so they’d end up owing him money.
Foreign Secretary Liz Truss who I’m certain jumps every time the phone rings, is certain she isn’t breaking the law as she promises a legal statement soon on her plans to override the Northern Ireland protocol. At least not UK law, but you know international law is for forrins right? The US are warning against any meddling with the protocol that will threaten the Good Friday agreement saying it could affect any free trade deals the UK has with them, while the EU is saying they will use all measures at its disposal. But you know, those measures will be in the metric system so there’s every chance Truss will refuse to acknowledge them until they do them in feet and pounds. Its hard to know what the game plan here is for the UK, if there is one. Will they back down last minute so it looks like they’ve tried or are they just hoping for a trade war with everywhere and then no one will have a clue if Brexit was bad or not as now, we have no deals anyway?
Meanwhile the Culture Secretary so called because she shares most of her DNA with vaginosis Nadine Dorries, admitted when talking to the select committee that she shares her Netflix account with four other households despite that being against their terms and conditions. Considering that she wants to privatise C4 to make it more like Netflix, do you think she doesn’t realise everyone can get C4 on their tellies and is still angry that she can’t find a password to give to her mum? When asked how many people in a consultation agreed with privatising channel 4, she said it was 96% when in fact it was that amount that didn’t agree. I have a feeling that she’s previously taken an IQ test and acts like this because she now assumes she’s a genius.
Crime, crime, crime and not a drop to drink, because no one has had a chance to take the suitcase to co-op with that Sue Gray meddling. But could this all be part of the plan? I mean Britain is a country with a history of years of stealing stuff, pillaging and ignoring international laws, so could it be the Conservatives are just the most patriotic government ever? Or perhaps the idea is that they’ll taser all the gropey MPs, back down on the NI Protocol and insist Simon Case done all the parties then make him leave, and suddenly, the crime rate is low again and they’ve done stopped it. While the public don’t realise what’s going on as they’re too busy working, so they don’t have to have a Tory MP’s doing a reach around on them.
In other news, MP for South Northamptonshire Andrea Leadsom, who I bet wears gloves to shake hands with people even before a pandemic, has done the unlikely thing of giving the country a glimmer of hope by warning that parliament could burn down any day. The Palace of Westminster is still in urgent need of renovation, that could cost £13bn, and is under risk of fire, or a flood of sewage, you know more than the one that is usually spewed out during debates. I think all MPs should have their offices relocated to uncomfortable cramped hotel rooms, while promises of removing flammable substances last at least 4-5 years before anything actually happens. Or you know, just keep MPs in there and if they don’t escape a fire it’s cos they clearly lack common sense. Isn’t that right?
Boris Johnson’s dad, Stanley Johnson, who looks like if someone had badly taxidermized his son, has secured French citizenship to retain ties with the EU. People have criticized this as you know, his son did Brexit, but I reckon it’s a smart move from Stanley as once we hit a trade war with the EU, he can go to France, and he won’t have to see his son ever again. Celebrity irritant Jamie Oliver, with his face like an extra from the Polar Express, has accused Boris Johnson of using the cost-of-living crisis to distract from tackling obesity as they u-turned on halting buy one get one free offers on junk food. He’s insisting he doesn’t wants people in poverty to have to pay even more for food during a recession but that is very much what it sounds like. Oliver protested outside Downing Street against what he calls the Eton Mess, by yes, holding up an Eton Mess, which is exactly the sort of dish he’s saying people shouldn’t eat and waved it around instead of giving it to people who need it. I do wonder if he just hates BOGOF because that’s what most people say to him when he turns up looking smug and waving a dessert at them that they then aren’t allowed to eat.
Scottish First Minister and early rejected draft for the film Turning Red Nicola Sturgeon has tested positive for Covid, two years after everyone else did, meaning she is now self isolating. Still, I’m sure she’ll enjoy the independence. The First Minister travelled to the US last week and is now being criticised by for sending a negative message to women in Scotland, after being pictured by an American politician who campaigned against overturning Roe Vs Wade. But it is tricky as if she hadn’t done her research and he’d just approached her by saying ‘choose life’ she’d have assumed he was a fan of Irvine Welsh and an ally.
And lastly, we look to the other side of the world for some hope as to how things could be. No I don’t mean the Upside Down where even trailers of Stranger Things season 4 look less bleak than the UK right now. I mean in Australia, where voters elected the first Labour government in over a decade, with small owl Anthony Albanese becoming Prime Minister, replacing the Liberal Party’s fuggler of a man Scott Morrison, who wasn’t doing enough or well, anything to tackle the effects on the country by global warming. He did concede to the new PM, but it might take him a while to understand how people could actively affect the political climate. The Australian Labour Party actually got a smaller vote share than the last election, but it was votes for the Green Party and independent greens that swung the vote their way, and it looks like Albanese will just about have a majority government. He says he will end the climate wars, so hopefully he means by a plan for renewable energy and climate action, rather than just surrendering and losing.
Hey hey. I would love to talk more about Australian politics and make better jokes about it, but I am completely clueless to all knowledge of what any of it means other than haha Scott Morrison’s gone and he once shat himself in a Burger King. That is the extent of it. At some point maybe I will ask someone clever to come on the show and talk about it. I do understand that all the press were pro-Liberal party with the full weight of world’s richest testicle Rupert Murdoch behind them but Labour still won, so there is hope for change. I’m not saying great change but hey any change is as good as a rest right? Unless it’s an awful change. This is why I don’t write idioms. They’d have too many caveats. There’s an exception to every rule but I’m not sure if that includes the rule that there’s an exception to every rule or not. See? Too complicated.
It’s just the intro this week because I don’t know how to manage my time properly and also because that Sue Gray report will probably be out the very second this show releases therefore rendering everything in it completely out of date within seconds. So I will quickly say thanks tons to Conal, Stephen and Loretta for the ko-fi donations, which you can also do at ko-fi.com/parpolbro. Or go one better and send over even £1 a month to the patreon.com/parpolbro as all of it helps this show happen even if it’s just a short version of the show because I can’t understand my own diary. I don’t actually have a diary, I’m not in the past. It’s google calendar obvs. Because I’m more than happy for silicon valley to know when my complete lack of work is happening. And that’s right, it’s everyday.
Er…any other business? You’ve watched that Mhairi Black speech in the Commons right? That’s really good that is and so says everyone. Oh er, I’ve actually started a tiktok page because I was procrastinating from doing other work. So far I’m only putting up old stand-up clips because I haven’t filmed any news ones and I’m being lazy. But I might be more imaginative soon. Probably not. So yep, that’s it except for…
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Arrigato to Acast, my bro the last skeptik and Kat Day.
This will be back next week when the Sue Gray report reveals the main person responsible for Partygate and its…Rebekah Vardy.
This week’s show was sponsored by crime.