With their ability to have parties at Downing Street that didn’t and did happen, the government appear to be meddling with quantum politics. Is this why they both appear to be doing something but also nothing of substance at all times too? An interviewee free, gag only podcast this week on the No.10 party denying, new drugs strategy and Mark Francois’ memoirs.
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Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that feels like the war on drugs is pointless when so many of the casualties are having a really great time. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Prime Minister and candyfloss stuck to a camel’s arse Boris Johnson says that middle class drugs users may lose their passports as part of new strategy, there goes yet another export thanks to Brexit. Guess we’ll just have to find other uses for our excess of them here now, like create more jobs in journalism or politics.
Credit where credit is due, the British government said at the beginning of the year, that they wanted to back UK science and it turns out they have excelled in experimenting with quantum mechanics in new and innovative ways. It seems that last year on December 18th Number 10 Downing Street had a party that both did and didn’t happen at the same time, a Schrödinger’s event if you like and possibly the first of its kind. How is something like this possible? It’s hard to say but perhaps they levelled up after years of experimenting with dead cats that may or may not have happened at the same location. Perhaps the Prime Minister’s home is the hadron collider of high energy bullshit acceleration? I am of course not a scientist, so forgive me for not fully getting this, but I will try my best to break down the process to you. While London was in Tier 3 restrictions last December meaning that everyone else in the big smoke was allowed to do no more mixing than a cheap wedding DJ, Number 10 had several dozen people attending a shindig. So now it’s been revealed, it’s should be any second now that the police who are already there all the time, turn up to slap a big hefty fine on them for doing the illegals, because no one is above the law. Unless the police are on the doorstep facing outwards, and you’re on the higher floors of 10 Downing Street coked off your face.
But did they actually have a party and break the law? Or did they transcend states of being and hold an event between the multiverses thus escaping all laws that may apply to us mortals on this here version of Earth? Because according to Justice Secretary and proof people can survive extreme trepanning Dominic Raab said in an interview that there was no party and it was just a rumour, much like there being a channel between the UK and France or how you shouldn’t eat packets of silica gel, right Dom? But then, in the same conversation, Raab said that the party did happen, but they followed all the guidance. You know the guidance that said no households were to mix indoors, and only six people could mix in some outdoor locations. How did they do that if several dozen of them were indoors, unless they were both outdoors and indoors at the same time and attendees were there while also not. Then Raab changed the game again by saying if there was a party it would have broken the law, but he’s not sure as he wasn’t there at the party that may or may not have happened which might have meant he was there at the same time. Or he’d just found out yet again that they’ve had a party without him and that this is what happens every year when they tell him they’ve decided to not do an office party and then he accidentally gets included in the WhatsApp group where everyone’s saying how they had an amazing night and it would’ve ruined it if DumbDom was screaming that his hand was stuck in a pringles packet again. Then the Justice Secretary said the party did happen and it did break the law, but the police don’t look back at things that took place a year ago. Which is confusing because the party happened on December the 18th 2020 and was reported on December 3rd 2021. But perhaps that is a year or even many years ago if you are meddling with continuums? It’s hard to say when all the complex science is happening. The Met police clarified this by saying they don’t investigate retrospective crimes, which is interesting as that’s how most crimes work. Perhaps they can now only stop crimes that they are present for, which considering the grim stories from the past year involving the Met police, that would be quite a lot and were they to be there and arrest themselves, it’d likely cut the crime rate by tons. But hang on, police are always present at Number 10, and would have to sign every person in that enters the building, but perhaps those people hadn’t yet committed a crime and so it couldn’t be investigated then either as it was a future crime? Maybe the officers just assumed many were entering in order to then isolate in their own household in different rooms, or even climb immediately out of the windows and leave? Or perhaps in this party that wasn’t there, the police let them in, went in to arrest or fine them but no one was there at the same time? But then Minister for Crime and Policing and stupid loaf of bread Kit Malthouse said that there was a party – WHAAAAAT? – but it didn’t break any rules and police should investigate past breaches of law.
Another hypothesis if I may. Perhaps, as you can imagine, a party at Number 10 was so devoid of fun that it no longer counted as a party and therefore was legal? Chances are, it was a number of people promising each other Covid contracts, while the Prime Minister’s dad kept trying to touch everyone and like someone used a plunger on a bowl of frogspawn Michael Gove kept doing Wham raps. Perhaps the police officers witnessed this and thought it were punishment far greater than any fine and are now in therapy. It is a thing of wonder and mystery and just very lucky none of them were there for a vigil for a woman killed by police or the Met would’ve got on the case and shut them down immediately, because they know how to keep people safe. Labour leader and what drying paint uses as an analogy for when something is dull Keir Starmer said we need to be clear on what the rules for parties are. I’m certain his own guidelines are to turn up much earlier than the start time, make polite chat that contains absolutely no opinions, laugh at weird moments, have a tap water and chuckle as you say you’re trying to give up, then leave before any other guests arrive so you’ve made zero impact on their lives. Then have a lovely evening at home filing sandwich bags.
In further experiments with reality, the government have launched a new drugs strategy which will target middle class users of class A’s, which will punish them by taking away their passports. So, you might wonder, how will any of the cabinet do diplomatic trips abroad if that happens, or will it all be over zoom? A Sunday Times report found that traces of cocaine were found in 11 toilets in areas of Parliament, but it is only middle-class use the government are targeting and many of them are upper class so it doesn’t count. Boris Johnson said the problem is caused by 300,000 people whose lives are simply chaotic, torn apart by addiction and again that doesn’t apply to him or Michael Gove, both of whom have admitted to drug use before, because their lives are made by the chaos so if anything they’d probably be unable to function without it. It’s not misuse if they’re doing it on purpose to make themselves even more intolerable and arrogant than they are already. Sorry, I mean they’ve only ever taken drugs retrospectively so there’s no point in investing it. And no, of course no one took any at that Number 10 party as it didn’t actually happen. This new plan is to provide rehab for drugs users, but also punish them because nothing gets people off a reliance on drugs quite like making their lives worse. What if those using drugs simply tell the police they may or may not have been using drugs but they did it in the proper way and didn’t breach the rules? What if these middle-class drugs users end up in court but can prove they actually have less money than thought because they’ve spent it all on Class A’s meaning they are now working class and should be let off? More importantly, if Dominic Raab isn’t there, will it actually be a crime? The plan is to dismantle 2000 gangs which sounds violent and you wonder what they’ll do with all the leftover limbs? Knowing Johnson’s crew, they’ll probably sell all the arms to Saudi Arabia. Johnson announced these rules while on a visit to Merseyside Police HQ, where he too dressed as an officer. Which is illegal isn’t it? Or maybe not if he did it retrospectively. I do hope someone asked him if he was a real police officer and flagged down a bus driver for help when he said not.
None of this will matter soon anyway as the Prime Minister is planning to let ministers throw out legal rulings they don’t agree with, so it may well be that a court finds them guilty of breaking the law but they’ll decide they’re not. This is one of the many signs of fascism and authoritarianism this government display, but what’s never in those internet checklists is what happens if those in charge are also stupid as fuck. If the courts decide in a judicial review that the government has breached the law, and Dominic Raab as Justice Secretary rejects it all the courts have to say is ‘rejects what? There was nothing here in the first place. Or there was something here but actually you liked it.’
The government advice for you this Christmas though is not to cancel any events you may be attending because as the Prime Minister says, the government aren’t changing their guidance about how people should be living their lives. You know, unless you take class A drugs. The UK Public Health Chief and Maz Kanata in Star Wars Jenny Harries said that people shouldn’t socialise when we don’t particularly need to. Now it’s hard to know if she meant that because of the rising cases and the new Omicron Covid variant, or if she’s just very anti-social. But the Prime Minister is all for unnecessary socialising and not cancelling Christmas events and if that means more Christmas parties at number 10, then I’m actually I’m all for it as it just increases the chances of them killing each other off. Other members of the cabinet are slightly more sceptical though, with Health Secretary and man who I’m certain from under his neck is a pencil Sajid Javid suggested you should wear masks while at parties, and Work and Pensions Secretary and Captain Caveman Therese Coffey said you shouldn’t kiss people you don’t know. But again, is this just based on their own experience of parties where everyone wears a mask to avoid being seen anywhere with Javid and Coffey looks like she only goes to family occasions where anything goes? Is this why the Number 10 party wasn’t a party? Was everyone in disguise and trying their best to dodge Therese Coffey’s cigar breath? You do now need a Covid PCR test before travelling to the UK though, just so you can make sure you’re bringing something for everyone when you arrive. Travel restrictions are also now in place for 11 countries, most of which appear to be in Africa and that has prompted complaints of a travel apartheid. Actually, I think you’ll find that Britain is doing its bit for reparations by making sure no one from that continent can come here and catch something we won’t send them vaccines for.
A Parliamentary standards probe has been launched into Jacob Rees Mogg, which must be weird for him as he usually gets his nanny to do that. One of Count Olaf’s many pseudonyms, Rees Mogg is being investigated over his borrowing of loans which may be in breach of the code of conduct. So is Scottish Tory leader and capuchin rejected by its family for being a prick Douglass Ross for his undeclared earnings as a wanker. Sorry Referee. This comes after the Standards Committee is drawing up a new code of conduct for MPs, which presumably will include things like it being necessary to do lines in the toilets and have illegal parties, otherwise there’ll have to be a lot of resignations. What the committee is suggesting though, is that MPs should demonstrate anti-discriminatory attitudes, which has really upset MPs with discriminatory attitudes. Undead low budget Elvis Impersonator Desmond Swayne said that voters have a right to elect a misogynist or racist if that’s who they want to represent them. I guess that’s why his constituents of New Forest West elected him so they could get all of that in a 241 deal. The question is, does anyone care? Despite all the sleaze allegations, the Conservatives still won the by election in Old Bexley and Sidcup with their candidate Louie French looking like a sitcom character who gets his arse stuck in a pothole in the first episode. There was a very small turnout of just 33.5% meaning that the Conservatives dropped their vote share. So definite victory for Labour there, as there’s no opposition quite like making sure no one wants to bother as all the politics is shit. Maybe they’ll just keep going until no one turns up at all and they hope to win a majority simply by chance when pigeons that fly into derelict polling booths happen to shit on the right tick boxes? The opposition have had a big old reshuffle, meaning that loads of old faces are back on the frontbench. Star of Just William Yvette Cooper is now Shadow Home Secretary with all her appropriate skills to provide opposition such as hating migrants, thinking the Iraq War was great and being involved in the expenses scandal in 2009. Then Shadow Foreign Secretary is chief of Goron Island David Lammy and what if someone stuck Alan Carr under a sanding machine Wes Streeting is Shadow Health Secretary. Yes, why have new ideas when you can keep using old ones no one likes? Still I’m excited about how well they’ll do in the 2015 election. No wonder Unite union have cut all political donations to Labour, as they represent the workers and judging by their drop again in the polls, nothing the party are doing is working.
Next week is the North Shropshire by election, formerly the constituency of Captain Sleaze himself Owen Paterson, but the Prime Minister has urged voters to look past all that. Which is a bad idea because if anything the corruption covers up their lack of policies and all those baggies of gak. It’s likely to stay a Conservative seat because it seems people just don’t care that their MPs are breaking rules, taking drugs and giving all their pals money. Or is it actually that voters do care and they see it as what these MPs are doing is breaking the rules so you don’t have to? You know how if you like something your kids are into, they’ll think it’s uncool. Well as the least cool people on the planet, by holding illegal parties during Tier 3, taking drugs and trying to ignore the law, maybe its to ensure the rest of us go ‘urgh, I wouldn’t want to be like those absolute worst members of humanity, I shall be a law-abiding citizen and aspire to do a trustworthy job like gambler or backalley surgeon.’
Or maybe it’s just that most of the breaches of conduct happened retrospectively and so doesn’t really count. And who’s to say it even happened at all?
In other news, the Levelling up report is now delayed until next year, which in a way does mean the year will have levelled up. Which will probably be the only thing that does. Michael Gove is the levelling up secretary in charge of it, because if you start that low you can only go higher. Maybe. Probably not. There’s still little clue what it will contain but there’s been reports that Gove wants US style governors and mayors in order for communities to take back control, you know, by having increased levels of bureaucracy and a government that has even less accountancy. I bet its only governors because Michael Gove thinks they’ll then be named after him, and his other ideas of Goveanators, Serious Govers and Michael’s Special Pleb Tamers were rejected.
Shell oil have pulled out of the controversial Cambo Oil Field, saying that it was a commercial decision. Yes, probably was as them being part of a new fossil fuel project while the earth is dying is like a big advert saying what evil pricks they are.
The Counter Conference on cancel culture that was set to take place in London next week and feature such lowlights as old pizza cheese thrown over roadkill Nigel Farage, has been cancelled after barely any tickets were sold. Typical woke general public deciding an event sounds like it’ll be a shit old bore fest and not wanting to waste their money when they could do something more productive like punch their own face with a rusty pineapple. I hope the organisers fight back and do the event anyway to a big empty cold venue and go bankrupt, you know, for free speech.
What if Stimpy took Valium Mark Francois has self published his Brexit memoir because, he says, all publishers are biased. Yes that is true, very few will accept drafts in crayon with stains on all the pages. It’s called Spartan Victory: The Inside Story of the Battle of Brexit, which is a good title as the Spartans were poweful in Europe but after the devision of the Roman Empire declined into obscurity. Although unlike Mark Francois, they also respected women but I have a feeling his book doesn’t include that bit.
And lastly, scientists say the Covid Omicron variant could become dominant within weeks. Great, finally the leadership we need. And deserve.
Hey hey hey ParPolBrods. How goes you? I goes very slowly at the moment as I got a stupid injury last week in Glasgow and appear to have bruised my coccyx, which let me tell you google isn’t very helpful on the diagnoses if you spell that wrong. I did two truly lovely support gigs for Frankie Boyle on Weds and Thurs at the Glasgow Stand, one of the bestest of comedy venues in the UK, and thanks tons if you came along. Especially the woman who wore the Christmas jumper that said ‘fuck the tories’ on it in very festive fonts. That made me feel really Christmassy. But on leaving the gig on the Thursday, myself and Mr Boyle exited via the back door and found ourselves trapped between the passageway and the locked gate. So in turn, in the cold and rain, we climbed over the gate like pro ninja people and not the middle aged dads we definitely are, only for the gate to then open as it turned out it wasn’t locked, just frozen shut. BUT! That’s not where I hurt myself. I did that all skillfully and was well surprised at my own limber abilities. It was about an hour later, walking around holding a pizza, that I managed to slip on absolutely nothing and land, smack, lower back first on some concrete steps. No I wasn’t drunk or nothing. I feel like it was the world realising I’d got over that gate without harm and feeling it needed to rebalance things. Still the pizza remained unharmed, and as my friend said to me, that is most important as hey, people heal. So I’m sitting in an uncomfortable manner recording this and will go back to complaining about moving a lot to my family so they keep making me cups of tea. I’m really enjoying saying things like ‘well I planned to go for a run twice this week but oh well.’ According to the internet I have to wait for two weeks and see if it still hurts before I tell a doctor about it, at which point they may say ‘oh its bruised you just need to rest more’ or ‘oh its fractured you need to rest more but more than that’. So what’s that in Covid backlog times? Do I go see a doctor if its still bad by July 2023? That’s about right isn’t it? Anyway, at least it was a very excellent rest of the week, and those were my last gigs before Christmas so now I’ve all planned is my booster jab and eating snacks which is what Jesus would have wanted.
So, I hope your coccyx are not smashed but your pizzas are saved and thanks again for being here yet again. This is a mini pod of well, just the bit you’ve heard really, as being away last week meant no time for interviews. There’s a chance there’s an interview next week but also not because well, some people are flakier than a Kellogs branded cereal. But it is also that time of year when you’ve all got to parties to be attending but obvs while in masks and no kissing or whatever the rules are, so maybe some brief eps is what you need? You all just wait till you’re bored in January and I’ll make sure every one of these is at least four hours long. But before this one endeth, yes I got the Labour reshuffle news wrong last week because well, it went on forever and so that’s their fault. I thought Emily Thornberry was going to be Shadow Home Secretary as I recorded and then no, it turned out they wanted Yvette Cooper because there’s nothing more inspirational to voters than someone who couldn’t inspire people in 2016. Also, yes last week, I said OMNICRON instead of Omicron. I added an extra N, but hey, Omni is old Greek for all isn’t it? And cron the god of time, so my version is a variant for all time which may prove to be more accurate if the government keep saying its cool to party.
The only other thing is that obvs you prob noticed I didn’t mention in the intro the national inquiry that’s been announced after the killing of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, and that’s because that case was so awful, I just didn’t want to talk about it. But what I will say is that if you haven’t heard the chat with Carolyne Willow at Article 39 a couple of eps ago, do, because that’s about why the children’s care system is a mess, and do also give a follow-on Twitter to the Islington Survivors Network on @theIslingtonSN for info too.
Oh and if you get a chance, read Free by Lea Ypi, which I finished last week and is such a remarkable read. It’s a memoir of Lea’s childhood in Albania, growing up while it was under authoritarian communist rule, then as that regime fell and the country gained supposed free elections, but then collapsed economically under pyramid schemes and went into civil war. It’s a country whose history I knew little about but Lea Ypi writes so beautifully, observantly and often humorously about what it was like through her eyes and her continued socialist beliefs throughout. So very worth your time if you can grab a copy.
Right and now…
So er…that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Cheers to your ears for taking in this week’s jeers and if you like this show even a weeny bit then do let everybody in the place know and maybe even donate to the patreon.com/parpolbro or chuck us a dandy 5 star review on the podcast platform of your using.
Big hearty soupy thanks to Acast, my brother the Last Skeptik and Kat Day.
This will be back next week when Boris Johnson announces the next step of the new drugs tackling strategy is for all confiscated class A’s to be sent to 10 Downing Street where they are definitely not having a party that definitely won’t breach any rules.
This week’s show was sponsored by Mark Francois’s memoir ‘Spartan Victory: The Inside Story of the Battle of Brexit’. ‘There I was, standing with a pan on my head and holding my nerf gun and there was no way I was going to let Europe beat me. I’ve been in the army you know, I shouted, ‘You bloody Europes won’t take my freedom’. Excuse me sir, they said ‘this is the leigh on sea branch of pizza hut, please get off the salad bar. And then I wet myself. For Britain.’