A quick look at the cabinet reshuffle, recorded before Tiernan went on holiday for a week so there’s every chance it’ll all have changed by the time you hear this because UK politics is so stupid stupid.
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Hello. You’ve reached the Partly Political Broadcast out of office autoreply. Thanks for getting in touch unless you’re calling up to tell me about a crash I haven’t had which is unsettling as I always worry for a second you might be from the future and it’s a terrible premonition. I am currently away on holiday, though it is with two children under 3 so its not really a holiday and there’s every chance I’ll need another one to recover when I return. I will be checking these messages sporadically because in today’s day and age such things are inescapable unless you live on the moon. Actually, the moon is meant to have amazing reception, and bloody Jeff Bezos will probably be there making it worse. If it’s important, please leave me a message after the tone. If it’s an emergency, why would you call me? Ring 999 that’s what they’re for. If its to do with the state of the world, please despair accordingly.
*Phone SFX* Hello, it’s me. I’m not there this week, but I thought it was important to do this. Wait a second, I’ve just to get it out of my bag. Hang on. Ah here you go:
There’s been a cabinet reshuffle which yes, is a lot like saying we’ve removed some turds form the turd barrel, but don’t worry, we’ve replaced them with some real stale shits. But nevertheless, it’s healthy to check your shits, you know, incase there’s something wrong with them. Which in this case, there is. Loads wrong. Couldn’t you have used a smarter, more sophisticated analogy for this Tiernan? No. It’s the cabinet. There is literally no better way to describe them than absolute horrors that have been fired out of the arse of humanity. I’m on holiday. Fuck off.
According to the Prime Minister and moth bitten jumper shoved on top of porridge Boris Johnson, this is a cabinet to build back better from the pandemic, though if this lot were helicoptered in to rescue you from a mine field you’d sooner practice your Riverdance than accept the help. First to go, so that he can return to a life of just upsetting his own children, was Gavin Williamson. A cross between chalk and congealed soup, Williamson has been sacked as Education Secretary giving a leaving speech to his office before he went. Though it’s unlikely it was the right office, and he probably stood in the stationary cupboard trying to console a hole puncher that he thought might miss him. Parents everywhere will have breathed a sign of relief, except Williamson’s obviously as he’ll now have more time to call them and they’ll have to hear his feeble witterings about how he owed to the kids, as though he’s still angry for them about when he got bullied at school for looking like a sad ghost horse. It’s always anyone else’s fault but his own. He did do a fucking horrible job as Education Secretary and while I hope that this is punishment for that, I would also find it apt if Johnson was told to get rid of him by a rogue algorithm.
Also booted out of the door, somewhat ironically for a Housing Secretary, was foam brick Robert Jenrick in possibly the only development he’s ever been involved in that I approve of. No more under the table helping Richard Desmond with his unsafe erections, and the only thing Jenrick will now have to plan is what else to use his massive smug face for. May I suggest blocking a hole in a dam? It was a bad day for Roberts, as Robert Buckland was also sacked from the cabinet. Who? Yes I know, was the Justice Secretary and human paperweight who seemed fairly competent as much as is possible for anyone in government and hadn’t caused any sort of major fuck up. So maybe that’s why Johnson got rid of him? If only he’d robbed a bank naked before screaming ‘I am above the law’ into the face of an upset pug, before selling the remaining court houses to Jude Law, then it’d make sense. As it is, that means we’re now on the 8th Justice Secretary in 10 years, but I suppose that does make sense for a government that refuses to give any time to justice in anything they do. Bitten by a radioactive shower curtain Amanda Milling was sacked from being Conservative Party co-chair. No reasons as to why but if you can’t even be half of a chair I guess you can’t be part of the furniture.
Shoved over sidewards was vacuum packed play-doh Dominic Raab who is going from being telephonically inept as Foreign Secretary to take the place of Justice Secretary instead. Nothing says justice like letting a diplomat return to their home country just after running over a child. At least we know he won’t pointlessly increase sentences as that many words would exhaust him. As well as that job, he’s also now the Lord Chancellor and will be in charge of the functioning and independence of the courts, so that’s them accidentally sold off to Jude Law within the week then, or the other possibility is that we’ll see him marching around carpet warehouses and tennis matches barking orders until someone has to explain to him. And of course if someone isn’t capable of doing one job well, its best to give them three as that way their incompetence will be spread out. So Raab also has the title of Deputy Prime Minister, presumably because just like Johnson, he also goes on holiday at the most inopportune moments.
Replacing Raab as Foreign Secretary is the woman whose cranial department is like a fishbowl with a single bee stuck in it, Liz Truss. She’ll now get to stay on her never-ending holiday and keep taking snaps for the ‘gram only this time she doesn’t even have to keep barking on about cheese to people and can instead compare human rights abuses with other global powers instead. With her in charge it’ll be mere days before the UK has a super strong relationship with the Galapagos Islands, the nation of Sealand and the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, while nearly at war with Greece because she’ll only talk to them in lyrics from the musical. Liz Truss is the first ever female Conservative foreign secretary, so that will give great incentive to many other woman who will feel empowered that they too could do that job, even if they were drunk and forgot what a country was.
What happens if you squish all the mini Babybel wrappers together and then leave it in the sun Michael Gove has been given the job of Housing Secretary despite never having done a single constructive thing in his life. I can’t see that him being in the position will help anyone who’s a victim of the cladding scandal, not least because Gove specialises in putting an expensive front over things that are unnecessarily dangerous and costly for people. Maybe he got the job because as we’ve seen with his recent nightclub horror show, he’s always keen to rave to big house numbers. He’s also being given the task of fixing the Brexit food chain supply issues, though I bet he’ll just keep insisting that the country has had enough of exports.
Like if the sound your stomach makes when its empty was made human, Oliver Dowden, has been moved from Culture Secretary to minister without portfolio and party co-chair. Hopefully he’ll carry on his strengths at dealing with dramas like the Crown, to this position and will spend all his time insisting the Conservative party should carry a warning to let viewers know it’s not entirely factual. While his departure may have caused a cheer by many in the entertainment industry, his replacement has caused the kind of boo that she would complain about as dumbed down panto. Nadine Dorries, aka Shite Nurse, is the sort of appointment that says if the government are still fighting this nonsense culture war, they’ve decided to try and win it by dropping an atomic bomb. Dorries does know about culture, as she was the first MP to cultivate Covid on herself last March because the virus could obviously sense a kindred spirit that was as dismissive of human life as it was. Her own experience of culture seems to be larging avoiding it in order to write her own books known as the Four Streets saga and based on her own upbringing where people would change their routes home by that far away in order to avoid her. Dorries also appeared on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here in 2012, for which she was suspended by the party which must of confused her as she didn’t have to collect any stars while doing it. While on the show she ate ostrich anus, which must’ve been tough as Dorries and the rest of her party likely feel a kindred spirit with a creature that burys its head in the sand every time there’s trouble. Dorries is known for racist views and incredibly stupid comments so if anything much of the media world will feel like one of their own is in charge.
The last new entry to the cabinet is Nadhim Zawahi, everyone’s favourite Dr Robotnik does lounge jazz tribute act. He is now Education Secretary which means children everywhere can learn how much it costs to warm a horse. Many commentators in the education sector seem to be pleased with his appointment, because well, he’s not Gavin Williamson. A few years back Zawahi refused to resign after it was found that he attended a dinner at the exclusive President’s Club where female staff were harassed and groped. He did however say he would no longer attend men only events so at least that means he’s going to have to ignore anything that happens at Eton.
Anne Marie Trevelyan, the character of a hockey teacher from a 1970’s comedy film, is now the Secretary of State for International Trade. She reckons that anyone who believes in global warming and that the ice caps are melting are fanatics, so I look forward to her striking trade deals with a number of places that will be underwater by 2025.
All the other cabinet ministers are staying in their jobs, yes, even walking hate crime Priti Patel as Home Secretary despite her recent secret meetings. It seems it’s impossible to deport the deporter. Or its very likely she was told she had the sack and thought she had to run off to put some kittens in it and throw it into the Thames, so it was easier and better press for No.10 to give up and let her stay. Loads of junior and mid-ranking ministers have also got new jobs but you don’t care do you? Nope. Exactly. This reshuffle is being compared to Bram Stoker’s creation Margaret Thatcher when in 1981 she had the purge of the wets, though for Johnson that’s usually just when the cleaners have to come in and change his sheets again. According to a random unnamed Tory who probably doesn’t exist, this has shown that Boris Johnson is in charge and all ministers would know they were dispensable. So I guess in some ways it’s nice that MPs finally understand how the public have felt over the last 18 months.
In very quick other thoughts, Johnson announced that his coronavirus plan is to keep going, which is the sort of thing someone in a film usually only says just before they die. Johnson is confident they can turn jabs, jabs, jabs into jobs, jobs, jobs probably because it only requires changing one vowel. However, in reality that’s pretty impossible unless they’re ploughing money into developing technology like in Innerspace or Ant Man. Maybe it will finally mean a focus on small businesses? Johnson said he won’t rule out a Plan B, which I think is where they panic and remember they should have made some plans. I give it two weeks before he announces a plan B 2.0, a Plan Sea like in ocean and a plan turquoise with shades of purple all of which revolve around telling you why it’s your fault that things have gone tits up, meanwhile all the schools get replaced with coal mines.
And lastly, Health Secretary and artist’s reconstruction of a dinosaur egg Sajid Javid has defended Conservative MPs not wearing masks in the Commons chamber because they’re not strangers. Worrying that the government’s mask policy is the same as the Prime Minister’s condom one.
Wrote this last week!
Sorry for only half an episode!