Episode 161 – Are we leaving on October 31st? Are we leaving our senses now? Are we remotely coherent on what’s going on? Who has Oliver Letwin? All these important questions and more and somehow no, Boris Johnson isn’t dead in a ditch so that’s another broken promise. Plus Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) interviews Dr Victoria Stiles (@ViolettaCrisis) about fascism.
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Linear liner notes
Are we leaving on October 31st? Are we leaving our senses now? Are we remotely coherent on what’s going on? Who has Oliver Letwin? All these important questions and more and somehow no, Boris Johnson isn’t dead in a ditch so that’s another broken promise. Plus Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) interviews Dr Victoria Stiles (@ViolettaCrisis) about fascism.
Links and sources of info from Victoria’s interview:
All the usual ParPolBro stuff:
Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that also displays its real intentions with three follow up letters, but in this case its just FFS. This is episode 161, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as the Prime Minister and walking pile up Boris Johnson previously said he’d sooner be dead in a ditch than delay Brexit but has now written to the EU asking for an extension and is definitely still alive. So, my question is how are we ever meant to restore trust in politicians again?
That was just one of many broken promises this weekend as Super Saturday very much wasn’t. The name given to parliament’s first Saturday sitting since 1982, was only really super in the way super noodles are, in that you really wish it hadn’t come to this, but now you’re supping on the gloopy egg worms of sadness, you may as well pretend it’s not that bad. But it was that bad, well for the government anyway, as Johnson tried to persuade MPs to vote on a Brexit deal that only months before he’d said no Prime Minister could agree to, but then I guess he really is no prime minister. His argument consisted of apologizing for taking up people’s Saturdays as it’s a time when families want to be together but I guess it must’ve been a relief for him not to have to pick which one to spend it with. He then went on to complain that he wasn’t getting to watch football before talking about the UK’s relationship with the EU being half-hearted but ignoring that he spent years writing columns making up stories about them banning prawn cocktail crisps or bananas that weren’t bendy enough. It’s quite something to base the entire future of the country on forgetting you were pivotal in making people believe true British values were based on needing a fruit that would curve right round your chin in order to make a decent enough comedy phone prop. The main gist though was that people are bored so we need to just get on with Brexit because nothing makes a solid plan like racing through it out of boredom. I mean it’s not even a great boredom tactic to put something in place that will have years of even more boring trade talks and laws once it’s done. Really bored people give up on doing whatever it is that’s numbing their brain in the first place and go do something else. Want to respect how bored people are of Brexit? What the government should be doing is cancelling the whole thing and using a fraction of the budget to make some funny Instagram filters that give everyone a Michael Fabricant hair-do or the weird cold empty eyes of Esther McVey and they’d become more popular within seconds.
It didn’t help that the government had mainly just told Parliament that the 293-page document they didn’t have to read was definitely great and what people wanted. Why wouldn’t you trust a man who lied to the Queen that that was definitely the case and in no way was just a short novel claiming that Johnson is king and that only he may sire future Britons. Actually the new deal is only 5% different to the deal that former Prime Minister and ancient ceremic figurine depicting pointlessness Theresa May, with part of that 5% being the removal of the Irish backstop in place of a border in the sea, which is stupid as I’m not sure how you train fish to check passports though I would like to see International Trade Secretary and bin bag in the wind Liz Truss have to swim to meetings. Foreign Secretary and having tights over my head is my default face Dominic Raab said that Northern Ireland get an amazing deal because they get to retain access to the EU single market and customs union as if completely unaware of what Brexit means and anything that happened more than 5 minutes ago. I’ve a sneaking suspicion that Raab spends each and every day with Popcorn by Hot Butter on loop in his brain and its only when people interrupt him he’s so surprised he says the first things that fall out of his mouth. Another change from May’s deal was the removal of protection of worker’s rights, because who’ll need those post-Brexit when there won’t be any jobs to do anyway?
No one was happy with it, with even Brexit Party leader and Flotsam Orgy Nigel Farage who said that its just not Brexit, which of course he’d say as any Brexit that he doesn’t personally gurn over the line with his sack face isn’t a Brexit according to him, a man who I bet definitely still feigns surprise that it isn’t butter if offered it. More importantly for Johnson, the DUP, are unhappy with it, saying there are too many remaining gaps in the deal. I mean, if anyone’s against filling in gaps willy nilly, its them.
But it didn’t matter as thanks to an amendment by costume from an am dram performance of Wind in The Willows Oliver Letwin, MPs chose to ensure that deal legislation had to be passed before the bill was. That pulled a political stool from under Johnson just as he thought he could sit down and now he’s very much on the floor, bum first, having to ask the EU for a hand up so he doesn’t stay beached like a stupid boneless whale carcass. What that means in short form is that its very likely that the UK won’t be leaving the EU on October the 31st, and yes that is a sigh of relief from all those creepy ghouls who are relieved that Halloween will be the scariest thing happening on that day. However it might also be the sigh of despair from all the creepy ghouls in the Conservatives who are despairing that every step of their way is thwarted by some meddling whigs, and er Labour, SNP, and others who don’t work for that joke as well. Conservative MP and what if Sven Goran Erikkson made a pact with the Devil Peter Bone complained that the whole day had been a waste of time and it had ruined his birthday because yes, he’d just turned 7 years old. Enraged Bao Ian Duncan Smith said that even people who voted remain are saying just get it done, which is interesting as if he’d just popped his head outside parliament, he’d have seen hundreds of thousands of protesters definitely not saying that. It’s likely he’s just misheard lots of people shouting ‘you can’t trust that git, he’s dumb’ at him. Maybe he should have a work capability assessment? IDS said people would be referring to MPs as these bastards but to be honest I’m not sure why they’d tone down their language when talking about him.
The government threw the biggest hissy fit though and withdrew their vote on their own deal meaning the Benn act kicked in and Boris had to write a letter to the EU asking for an extension even though he said he didn’t because actually he sent a photocopy and didn’t sign it which if anything probably makes it more valuable. I mean, if they really need one, they can just copy it from one of the blank cheques he probably gave Jennifer Arcuri. Yes that was the big law dodging masterplan from the Prime Minister and his special advisor and bleached angry gingerbread man Dominic Cummings that all they had to do to avoid an EU extension was not sign the letter that asked for an extension, but the EU, much like every Parcel Force transaction I’ve had, didn’t need an ink squiggle to consider it a successful delivery. Apparently, there was also a note from the UK’s representative to the EU saying that the government were only sending it because they had to and another letter that was signed saying they don’t want an extension. I’m almost surprised Johnson didn’t also have an entirely different back up letter for incase the UK had voted to Remain back in 2016. So, either Boris lied and didn’t send a letter after all, which he did though, or more likely, he lied about saying he wouldn’t send one and did, which he did. So, we have to assert right now whether we have a Prime Minister who is actually a Nordic trickster god and we have to hope his brother makes more effort to defeat him using a large hammer, or he’s just an awful chronic arsehole. Considering that sickly latex mask Jo Johnson voted against the Letwin Amendment instead of even trying to shoot lightning from his eyes, chances are that it’s definitely the latter. It’s worth mentioning that shower curtain wrapped around a scared branch Rory Stewart also voted against the Letwin Amendment because he’s obviously never been to London before and thinks his mayoral chances will be increased by swanning around Brixton telling everyone to get it done.
You’d be almost right to think that the government’s request for a meaningful vote this week was rejected because everything they do is so endlessly meaningless. Human angry welcome mat and Speaker of the house John Bercow rejected it because it was essentially the same vote on the deal that MPs had a chance to do on Saturday but didn’t because the front bench were too busy crying and Peter Bone didn’t get to have jelly and ice cream. President of the European Commission and What if Morecambe and Wise had a child together Jean Claude Juncker said there would be no Brexit extension because holy shit he now has to deal with Johnson for even more weeks that he’d thought. That’s the side we don’t think through, how on earth will we persuade Europe to give us more time when they know it means either they’ll have to waste even more of their lives talking to Johnson, Raab or wracking their brains as to who on earth Brexit Secretary and faint memory of an arse imprint in a cushion Stephen Barclay. No one deserves that. But Juncker doesn’t actually get a say in the matter and it looks like the EU will give an extension depending on how the next week goes and whether parliament vote for Boris’s deal, or for a 2nd referendum which is looking very likely because referendums always fix things right? Right? Hello? Or they could just to make the Prime Minister keep sending the EU photocopied letters with crude drawings of spunking cocks on until they deservedly kick us out. I’m starting to wonder if actually Boris Johnson was telling the truth for once and he just meant politically dead and a metaphorical ditch although based on his letter solutions, that might be a bit too creative for him.
In other news, the Scottish High Court has rejected the government’s requests to dismiss a legal effort to make sure the Prime Minister sticks to his obligations under the Benn Act. This does mean that if any of the letters derail the letter that sort of wasn’t a letter then Johnson could find himself in Scottish prison, which is awkward as based on his new Brexit deal I’m not sure he thinks the country exists. By the time you hear this abortion will be legal in Northern Ireland despite politicians trying to make a last attempt to recall the assembly in order to deflect it, but failed due to the assembly needing a elected speaker with cross party backing which they couldn’t manage and the SDLP and DUP walked out. Yes, the two parties who want abortion to stay illegal tried last-minute prevention methods to stop them having to live with something that they didn’t want but are now forced to keep, before then leaving prematurely.
During Super Saturday, the Serious Fraud Office closed the case investigating the rigging of Libor, the bank rates fraud case that contains both elements of its name. Evidence had arisen showing that the Bank of England had been implicated in what’s known as low balling, which is not just a particular way to sit in your pants close to the floor, but a fraudulent way of getting to borrow more cash. Several traders and brokers have been prosecuted over the scandal during the last four years, but it does seem odd to just drop the whole thing now. It’s almost like someone has willingly lowered the interest in it.
And lastly, UKIP have suspended their leader and man who looks like he actually enjoys works dos Richard Braine after he and three other members have been accused of stealing data, which is a shock mainly because I didn’t realise UKIP members could use a computer, or is it possible to nick info from several thousand hand written letters? And the government’s porn blocker plan has been scrapped after advice that it just wouldn’t work. Well that’s clear as if it had, it’d have stopped everyone seeing how fucked it was.
What a week of things. My Saturday was spent watching Parliament while simultaneously playing Bear Necessities to my daughter on repeat about 600 times. All I can say is even Balloo sounded a tad stressed by it all, and after a little while I began to think his thoughts on eating fancy ants were merely no deal survival tips. Odd. What is also odd is just how many MPs that have done some pretty terrible things are now seen as totally cool because they’re not as terrible as the current government. Incredible that Ken Clarke is now a hero even though just a few years ago he wanted to put people on trial in secret courts which is truly sinister, or Oliver Letwin who was pro-poll tax and wanted Thatcher to use it in Scotland first as a trail, then made tons of racist comments about the Broadwater farm riots. But then recently he’s delayed Brexit a bit more and pissed off BoJo and suddenly its like yeah, Letters, you mad eyebrowed ledge. He plugged our children’s politics show ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ in his local paper this week for when we’re at Dorchester Arts on Nov 2nd and I was really chuffed and then had to go ‘ah shit you’ve openly written about privatizing the NHS’. Sigh. It says so much about Brexit that you can entirely redefine who you are as a political figure just by whether you’re remain or leave, regardless of what you did before. I honestly think that Idi Amin rose from the dead, stood in parliament square and said ‘actually Boris the polls no longer show a majority for leave’ he’d gained several thousand twitter followers in an instant. I was also reminded this week, watching people shout abuse at star of Funnybones Jacob Rees Mogg and his son, and at many other politicians as they left parliament, and lots of people said they shouldn’t have done it cos his kid was there. Well I mentioned it some time ago on this show but my wife was doing a literary event for the Good Immigrant book that she contributed to, and the excellent Nikesh Shukla and Renni-Eddo Lodge were there too, and I tagged along. Who walks into the backstage room but old dogs dinner for a face Michael Gove. We all wanted to say something but his son was there and we felt bad so we all started making retching noises. All I’m saying is, it was considerate to his kid and at the same time we definitely made enough of an impact to change his shitty attitude…oh..oh well.
Anyway, here I am, there you are, another week where this show will become history as you listen to it, but I’m grateful that you keep coming back anyway like total champs. I have no idea if any of you reviewed the show last week because my iTunes has become Apple Podcasts and doesn’t like to update properly. Its genuinely amazing that Apple’s user experience is to make things so shit and unusable that you become trapped with their products cos you’ll have no idea how to get your data off them without smashing it into another computer and shouting ‘run, run while you can’ at it. Anyway, thanks if you did and cheers to Rob for the ko-fi donations too. If any of you fancy chucking me a coffee, don’t, as that’s dangerous and will burn, so please pop a few quid at ko-fi.com/parpolbro or patreon.com/parpolbro instead and I’ll use it to buy coffee with. I have recently been trying to buy some fancy coffee beans for excellent coffee times and I keep getting ones that say ‘hints of strawberry or marmite or road tar’ or something and then I drink it and go ‘oh, it tastes like coffee’. Am I a philistine or is it all bullshit? I mean how do you make coffee taste of strawberry without just putting a strawberry in it and ruining it? It could be that I only drink it when my senses are so tired that all the expert taste is completely wasted on me and I should be supping Bovril instead. Oh well. Anyway, please do that, please keep sending nice tweets about the show, blah blah blah.
Only admin this week is that the next Nesta podcast Future Curious that I host is now out and its all about Robot Swarms. Yes really. I’ve realized I speak loads slower on that show so if you fancy a listen, pop it in 1.5 speed for ParPolBro levels. Or if you slow this one down, that one will be perfect for you. Or just play it in reverse and use it for seances. Oh and if any of you are on the Twitters, you might see that Frankie Boyle tweeted that I’m supporting him again in December, there’s about 8 dates in London and details for all those will be up soon but keep your eyes and ears peeled like weird eye and ear oranges for tickets.
Right on this week’s show I interview the excellent Dr Victoria Stiles who explains all about the fascist elements of current politics, spoiler, its loads just with much less sexy boots than in the 30’s. There is also a sort of speed Brexit Fallout explainer if you need to know what’s going on. I mean it won’t help but the fact that I’m equally baffled might make you feel less alone and that’s what its all about. If all else fails, we’ll walk around together making vomming noises outside parliament.
INTERVIEW WITH VICKY
Godwin’s law is both the name of my favourite US courtroom drama and also the Internet rule that the longer an online conversation goes on, the higher the probability that someone or something will get compared to Hitler and the Nazis causing the discussion to end. Weirdly though, while Hitler gets shouted over the internet more than by former London Mayor and current Dungeon Master Ken Livingstone on an afternoon stroll through, well, anywhere, acknowledgement of fascist elements becoming apparent in current politics is called out an awful lot less. The ardent nationalism, the anti-immigration sentiment & camps, a whole heap of racist language, and a current special advisor to the Prime Minister who I’m certain is high and has a relative who owns a castle. Ok, maybe not the last one. But what I mean is that it doesn’t take Boris Johnson to suddenly put boots on and do a funny walk for what’s happening to be recognized as fascism, even though it’d probably still be classed as him mucking about, showing solidarity to Desmond Swayne or simply trying to reach out to appease Brexit Party voters. But me proving Godwin’s Law right aside, what I mean is concerningly it’s rise while hugely obvious in places, is also equally frighteningly subtle in others. Which is where history comes in, as there’s nothing like looking to the past, not just to check with old photos Jacob Rees Mogg appears in like in The Shining, but also help spot the similarities between the fascism and the Nazis in the 30’s and 40’s and the now, but also to check the differences and how calling someone Hitler online might actually help. Sort of. Ish.
This week I spoke to the brilliant Dr Victoria Stiles, who is a historian of fascism, imperialism and Anglo-Germanic relations. She explained to me all about why fascist elements are very clear in today’s society and politics, some realities about how the Nazis actually worked and in some cases didn’t and most importantly, why this podcast is basically the audio version of Captain America punching Hitler in the chops, sort of. Long time listeners might remember that a couple of previous guests have spoken on similarish topics, however firstly I think it’s an important topic to keep returning to but also as you’ll find, Vicky sheds light on really key areas that are often ignored in terms of how dangerous they are and could be. Let’s face it, until we definitely call someone Hitler, this conversation can’t end. No Ken, that wasn’t a hint. Here’s Vicky:
INTERVIEW WITH VICKY PART 1
And we’ll be back with Vicky in a minute but first:
I won’t demean your intelligence by assuming you currently don’t really have a clue what’s going on with Brexit or in parliament in general, but let’s face it, if you do, you’re miles above most politicians themselves or political experts as what happens next is more blurry than a Vasaline smeared Damon Albarn album moving really quickly. So this bit is more of an Everything Fallout on this podcast, and there’s a mega chance that absolutely all of this will have changed by later this week but 4 of you on the Facebook and probably the same 4 just on Twitter said it would be useful anyway, so look, that’s what happens when you don’t all go out and vote. I reckoned what would be most useful is a quick what’s what of what is what and what might be even if what changes. And yes, now I really want some Wotsits. So strap in, not because it’ll be that fast but more because health and safety is important, and here’s some speedy answers for potentially wrong questions:
What did the Letwin amendment mean?
Not to confused with the Let Loose amendment which would’ve made the bill crazy for EU, no I’m not sorry. Deal with it. The Letwin amendment basically said that votes on Johnson’s supposedly Great New Deal couldn’t happen until the legislation aka the Withdrawal Agreement Bill or WAB was passed by parliament first. This is important because if Boris had got his deal passed but then the legislation wasn’t passed in time for Oct 31st then we’d still have crashed out with a no deal because his deal wasn’t all finished. Which I mean, was so likely right? The man only managed journalistic deadlines by making up half the content. We’d probably have found that half the legal talk was about policies on same size Eurocoffins, which is something he once really wrote. Really. Hence why he was adamant to avoid them and die in a ditch, probably. The whole bad deal is better than a no deal could’ve meant voting for a bad deal, still getting a no deal, and generally feeling like not only have things ended up all Captain Shitty but you also let Boris win at something on the way, so it’s the worst. So, this was an insurance policy really. And Letwin has said he’ll still vote on Boris’s deal so this was just a no deal avoider.
The government could have had a vote on their deal after the amendment got voted through but they’d have very likely lost it as MPs would’ve realized they’d now had more time to scrutinize it and realise its 95% everything they hated about May’s bill but 5% more shit.
What was even worse about Boris’s deal than I mentioned last week?
As well as last week where I said it would make everyone £2500 worse off according to the government’s own figures, but they also hadn’t actually released a proper economic assessment. As explained by 98% stupid air and Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay who said that the deal needed to go through to end the uncertainties, before saying the uncertainties of the deal meant they couldn’t assess its economic impact. Brilliant work Steve-o. It would be great to end his idiocy but he’s so stupid it would be impossible to work out what he’d grasp. There also used to be a bit in the Withdrawal Agreement about having the same worker’s rights as the EU, but that bits now been moved to the political declaration part of it, which isn’t legally binding and could just make us all work US hours where everyone never has any time off leading them to go a bit bonkers and do awful things like enjoy shows such as the Bachelor. Grim, grim times.
Oh and last week I was talking about Boris’s double border plan but now the idea would be for the border to be in the sea which is the idea that was discussed back in 2016 and no one liked it again so yes, we’re now in shit plans reboots but with a worse cast who barely respect the original.
What about the meaningful vote?
Well Speaker Bercow deemed it to be the same vote as they had on Saturday which they chose not to have because of the Letwin Amendment but so they then couldn’t just do it again. This is again the old Theresa May tactic of being like a dog whose owner has died but they’ll keep nudging them just in-case they eventually get fed. The vote also wouldn’t have been that meaningful as the legislation wouldn’t have been passed. So now there’s three days to take in all of the Withdrawal Agreement Bill and discuss it which really isn’t all that long and the Wild Animals and Circuses Act 2019 had more time given to it in parliament, which I mean, do you even need me here? It writes itself doesn’t it? I’ll leave you to it.
And the vote on the Queen’s Speech?
Delayed for now. I mean if the Queen’s Speech gets rejected that usually results in a vote of no confidence in the government and we’re likely to get one of those or an election soon anyway if a referendum isn’t voted for first and so who needs to then sit around and pretend the government might ever get round to enforcing voter ID when they can’t even work out how many faces their own leader has?
Would voting on the deal just get it done?
Nope of course not. There’d be months and months of trading negotiations with the EU who probably won’t make it particularly easy. Not least because our government have spent ages telling them it’s their fault and threatening not to pay them the money we legally owe and agreed to. Can’t think why they’d be so difficult. They’re also getting a new EU trade commissioner, an Irish politician called Phil Hogan, who’s entirely made of circles, and previously referred to Johnson as an unelected prime minister who’s gambling with peace. Chances are, its gonna cost like £40 for a croissant minimum and I bet they’ll only let us sell them cars if we let Spain return all our train robbers.
Didn’t Juncker say no extensions?
Yes, but not up to him. It’s up to all the member states but they’re already prepared to ratify Johnson’s deal if it goes through, give a short extension if one is needed or give a longer extension if a second referendum is voted for. Basically, they worked that out in a morning while our government were assuming that if they bring the same bill back, but on a Monday, maybe no one will notice.
Is Emmanual Macron being a dick?
Yeah, he explicitly said there would be no extension and now he’s just been flexing his child doing PE muscles by blocking North Macedonia’s progress into the EU, even though they’d solved a decades old dispute with Greece which caused lots of political issues for both countries. Then after all that effort, old head boy just want ‘non’ and blocked it like a twat. So I think he’s fannying about his Year 7 star pupil attitude and will likely do the same with the UK. It will have to be a unanimous decision on an extension so that could go to merde.
The Scottish High Court have ruled that the government can’t dismiss a case insisting Boris Johnson and his government abide by the Benn Act so if any of his stupid letters with doodles on or secret ink writing saying wanker have somehow broken that, then he’ll be in court in Scotland asap. What will happen then? Fuck knows. He’ll probably get lynched by Priti Patel before anything else.
What next? Election? Referendum?
Labour are going to back an amendment for a second referendum, so are the Lib Dems who previously wanted that, then decided it wasn’t enough and now have decided it is again. I’m guessing the SNP will too, and the Greens. Will it pass? Possibly. If it does, it can take up to 22 weeks to get a referendum in process. Most polls on leave/remain or remain vs Boris’s deal are still split nearly 50/50 so the idea that this will heal the country is baffling. But hey, at least everyone will get to go outside to vote and ignore the news for ten minutes before we all call each other traitors again.
How long will this go on for? I just don’t know.
Why won’t anyone just stop it? Because we are in the bad place.
All clued up? Really? I’m not and none of it will mean anything by Thursday anyway and I’ll have absorbed all that info for nothing and as a result probably forget a pin number and the name of one of my friend’s kids.
And we’ll be back with Vicky in a minute, but first…
INTERVIEW WITH VICKY PART 2
Thanks to Vicky for that. You can find her on Twitter @ViolettaCrisis and she has an occasional podcast called 1066 Wasn’t All That looking at how different types of evidence are used by history researchers. Vicky is doing a talk in Manchester on November 14th called Fascist Thought In Britain: Past and Present and you can find details on that at the Manchester Skeptics website gmss.uk and I’ll pop a link in the pod blurb too.
I need more guests! Send them to me! Who’s voice or realized brain spoutings should I have on this show? What shitty injustice, neglected area of society or revolutionary new political idea shall I talk to someone about? Let me know and you can do that via the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk, the @parpolbro Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast Facebook group or email me at email@example.com. But just the one email please, not three that all contradict each other and make sure you sign it otherwise how will I take it seriously? Ahem.
And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thank you for choosing to deplete your time batteries with this show once again and if this is one of your chosen favourite life wasters then please do recommend other people use up their valuable not dead minutes to tune in, maybe even give the show a review on whichever pod app you use, and possibly even donate a penny or two to the worthwhile cause that is me making this noise on a regular basis and you can do that via the Patreon or ko-fi.
Much gracias as always to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik for providing the music noises and to Kat Day for typing up all the linear liner notes.
This will be back next week when an amendment for a second referendum is voted through but due to hackers all three options on the ballot just say ‘Stop Stop It’s Already Dead’ and yet still all parties campaign against each other.
This week’s show was brought to you by Farage’s I Can’t Believe Its Not Brexit. A small very expensive card box with shiny pictures and promises on the outside, but what lies inside? No one knows! I mean its nothing but who actually knows until you look inside? No one, its nothing but no one! And now you’re poor and just have a shitty box but if you don’t you’ll be a prisoner of the no box elites and who wants that? Farage’s I Can’t Believe Its Not Brexit coming to stores near you at the end of the month, or possibly January next year. Or Spring. Or 2050.