Episode 160 – The Queen done a speech and it was full of things that may not be relevant in 6 days time, but hey, why not talk about hem anyway as everything in life is ultimately finite. We’re back to a proper length pod, Brexit Fallout returns and Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) speaks to Helen Barnard (@helen_barnard) from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation (@jrf_uk) about UK poverty.
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Info on the Scottish Challenge Poverty Week is here: https://www.povertyalliance.org/campaigns/challenge-poverty-week-7th-13th-october-2019/
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USUAL PODCAST WAFFLE
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Linear liner notes
The Queen done a speech and it was full of things that may not be relevant in 6 days time, but hey, why not talk about hem anyway as everything in life is ultimately finite. We’re back to a proper length pod, Brexit Fallout returns and Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) speaks to Helen Barnard (@helen_barnard) from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation (@jrf_uk) about UK poverty.
Links and sources of info from Ruth’s interview:
All the usual ParPolBro stuff:
Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that aims to help you understand all the current political divisions, but really isn’t great at maths. This is episode 160, I’m Tiernan Douieb and as her Royal Squishedness The Queen has delivered a speech of potential nothings with side notes of uh oh, it’s clear that the Prime Minister and bleached Grimace Boris Johnson likes to lie to women and then make them read out all his false promises to other people. It’s a wonder he hasn’t already got a Youtube channel about how to pick up using The Game.
With all the enthusiasm of a child who’s been asked to read a bit out loud of a book they hate to a classroom they hate more and a teacher that they wish was dead, The Queen, dressed like a sad Lindt truffle, rattled through 26 bills, like someone reading out a list of the most boring family restaurants in your suburban town. It was essentially a Conservative election manifesto but read out by a celebrity supporter, which is pretty insulting to the el monarch if you’re bothered by that sort of thing, though I feel it could be the beginning of her Maj doing this properly, and setting up a website for her to read out your friend’s name and wish them happy birthday or telling them what a cock they are for 10 of her own face papers. Of the more authoritarian sounding bills, there was the end of freedom of movement for EU citizens, which it was selfish of the Queen not announce by saying ‘under these measures my Greek husband would’ve have been able to come here and just drive into people’s cars’ as to be honest that almost makes it sound appealing. There was a proposal of tougher jail sentences maybe because Johnson and his potentially law breaking government think it may be safer in a cell that out in the post No Deal riots, and one for Voter ID, which I’m all for as there’s been far too much voter ego and super ego over the years so nice for the subconscious to get a go. Of course, it actually means voter identification, despite there being an incredibly small amount of voter fraud in the UK and all trials mainly showing that it will stop about 11m people in poverty and foreign nationals from voting. But I’m sure people like Secretary of Transport and lovechild of a face scrawled on plank of wood and a knee, Grant Shapps, as he’ll vote under each of his online identities.
It was all bluster and false confidence with the pretense that this is what will be happening over the next parliamentary session with Chancellor and Mr Potato Head but a special edition where you can remove his heart, brain and conviction, Sajid Javid, even going so far to announce that there will be a new budget on November 6th, just days after we might have left the EU because I suppose someone will need to explain the going rate of rat meat and how many suitcases of money you’ll need to be smuggled to Jersey. But here’s the rub, Queen’s speeches are meant to be about what the new sitting government intends to do, but this mob of Raggy Doll rejects doesn’t have a majority, doesn’t have a plan for the next week let alone year and may not be around in a matter of days depending on what happens. They may as well have handed the Queen a Christmas wish list or their ideal fantasy space Olympics team. Labour leader and animated corduroy elbow patch Jeremy Corbyn said the Queen’s speech was fool’s gold, which isn’t fair at all to the Stone Roses and there are far worse 1989 tracks you could compare it to, like any of the four Milli Vanilli releases all of which just involved them pretending they were doing something. In Johnson’s address he criticized Corbyn for not wanting an election after wanting one, saying that the Labour leader’s policy on cake is to neither have it or eat it. Quite a rich viewpoint from someone who’s cake policy would be pretending he knows exactly how to eat it, smashes it all over his face and trousers and then blames everyone else for ruining it and making a mess.
Over a third of the proposals in the Queen’s Speech, were for post Brexit laws despite there still being no indication of how we’ll leave, if we’ll leave at all or if we’ll faceplant out and be left licking sand until the tide comes in and puts us out of our misery. A week ago a government source told the press that Johnson’s Brexit plan was essentially impossible after a phone call between the PM and German Chancellor and bowl of dumplings turned upside down and popped in a jacket Angela Merkel. Yes it does appear that Number 10 now has more leaky sauces than a cheap condiments factory, with many certain that actually all of them are the PM’s special advisor and walking stress headache Dominic Cummings trying to pass the blame onto the EU, rather than just admit that their big idea to solve the Northern Ireland border problem is to make NI keep EU customs rules but also UK ones causing the need for a whole ton of checks and a nationwide identity crisis as they aren’t really aligned with either country, which isn’t really something I think they’d need. Again. Hey, maybe Grant Shapps can give them some tips? President of the European Council and man who always looks like he’s planning to steal your chips Donald Tusk said it was like Johnson did’t actually want a deal and accused him of playing a stupid blame game, which again isn’t really what Northern Ireland need. Again. But later in the week the Prime Minister met with Irish Taoiseach and man who always looks like he’s part of a comical insurance advert Leo Varadker and afterwards they supposedly agreed that they could see a pathway to a deal, though that could just have been a polite way of them telling each other to walk away and fuck off. I can see the road to victory, its over there, please take it and go away so I can win. One senior government official said there are no two men that want a deal more than Johnson and Varadker. But that’s not true as there’s two lads at the end of my road who’s supplier seems to be running late and they’re well twitchy.
The two-day summit of EU leaders starts on Thursday before the House of Commons sits on Saturday, yes Saturday like office staff who really haven’t put the work in so now have to do overtime. Pundits are calling it Super Saturday because they’re lonely and have no lives. The term Super Saturday is usually reserved for lots of sporting events happening on the same day, which I suppose does work as this is one really big race with potentially a lot of losers if they aren’t already disqualified due to so many false starts. It’s also the last Saturday before Christmas in the US and again, I suppose it does work as if they don’t work out a deal there is a chance the UK’s presence won’t be felt in the EU. Then again if no deal is agreed on by the end of Super Saturday it actually means that legally Johnson has to write to the EU to ask for an Article 50 extension which the government keep saying they have a loophole to get around. I guess it could just be that they’ll all swap voter ID cards and some poor civil servant will get nicked while Grant Shapps is hiding in the loos.
Towards the end of the Queen’s Speech, not long after she mentioned a bill that is supposed to ensure dignity in old age, as she, aged 93, had to read out a half arsed creative writing endeavor from a giant rolled sock. After that she announced the environment bill which got all of 9 words, which is concerning that the end of the world barely gets a headline but instead they’re keen to extend prison sentencing. It may be because over the past two weeks, campaign group Extinction Rebellion have been causing disruptions with their protests all over the country, but also the world, because that is how you make an effective protest, you know, but causing disruption. If you want to make anyone notice you but your tactic is to stand out of the way and occasionally say ‘excuse me’ you’re unlikely to do well. Johnson called the protestors ‘uncooperative crusties’ in an incredible example of Freudian projection, before ordering the police to use the full force of law against protestors, which is odd because you’d assume based on his own unlawful record that Boris would respect any XR lot who respect but fundamentally disagree with the police.
Meanwhile at the SNP party conference, party leader and deputy head who hates every child in her school Nicola Sturgeon has said she will request a Section 30 for a second Scottish Independence Referendum by the end of the year. I mean, let’s be fair, what on earth would the no campaign be this time? Better Together doesn’t really work anymore does it. Sorry I swear it’ll be the last time can we give it another go? I can change, I promise I can change? Party delegates also voted overwhelmingly to decriminalize drugs if they gain devolved powers to do so, and lets be fair, while there are many good reasons for drug decriminalization, if you are going to have to Brexit against your will, you may as well be off your tits and find it funny even if it’s really, really not.
US President and modern day Chernobyl disaster but in a person Donald Trump has withdrawn US troops from Syria, betraying the Kurds who allied with America in stopping ISIS, and has instead allowed far more power to Syrian dictator and flesh C3PO Bashar Al Assed, Russian Forces, Turkish authoritarian bampot and large nostril Recip Erdogan and ISIS, who Trump has now managed to un-defeat. Trump said he no longer wants America to be part of what he called an endless war so seems to be solving that by just running away, something that to be fair, he has precedent for all the way to his draft dodging. Similarly we should’ve guessed he’d happily let Syrian Kurds ally with the US then abandon them in the same way he’s probably already planning to wait till it all calms down then shamelessly ask them to build a Trump hotel on the ruins of Damascus for him, before refusing to pay. Erdogan has used the US troop withdrawal to start bombing Syrian Kurdish areas, but Trump has threatened Turkey by saying he would obliterate the Turkish economy if any of their actions are off limits, though considering they’re already killing lots of civilians you wonder what that would take? Would it only be if Turkish troops took time off to do an SNL sketch about him? Also, Trump said that he’d destroyed the Turkish economy before, which can only mean that he thinks him tucking into a large stuffed roast on Thanksgiving was him eating a top government economic advisor, in the same way he probably genuinely thinks people in Hungary lack food.
In other news, Shadow Chancellor and man who definitely go on for over an hour if you ask him how it’s going John McDonnell has suggested that Jeremy Corbyn would stand down as leader if he lost another election, while Corbyn’s aides have denied that saying they would be in it to win it. How unlike the Labour leadership to be divided on whether they should stay or leave. Former Foreign Secretary and baguette left out in the rain Jeremy Hunt sadly reminded everyone he existed by piping up with an open letter warning the EU to avoid a catastrophic failure of statecraft, something that to be fair, he’s an expert in. Hunt said that delaying Brexit only increases the chances of a No Deal as if having more time to plan, means no plan. You can see why he was such a shit Health Secretary for so many years with logic like that. Yes, we need fewer doctors in order to avoid not being able to treat any patients. I hope he learns from his mistakes and takes an exceedingly long time before he comments on anything again to avoid us all telling him to fuck off.
And lastly the Leave.EU campaign has made an out of character apology for posting a tweet with a picture of Angela Merkel and the words ‘we didn’t win two world wars to be pushed around by a Kraut’. What if Oscar the Grouch was racist Arron Banks, who definitely didn’t win two world wars, admitted that the tweet went too far and posted a picture of a sad emoji but he still said that it wasn’t right that Germany was suggesting that Northern Ireland separate from the UK. So, what he’s saying is that he’d prefer it if rather than give a country independence, it continued to take rule from a head of state from German descent? What was that? Oh nothing. Sad face emoji. And the government has dodged a pledge to deliver full fibre to all households by 2025. Yes, they mean broadband but I think its apt that they continue to sound like difficult shits.
No, that last gag didn’t really work did it? But this is the sort of truly democratic show where I like to present that sort of half written content to you so you can reword it in your head so it makes sense and therefore its your podcast as much as mine. Hello ParPolBrods. Welcome back to the show and you’ll be pleased to hear that this week I’m not on bedtime duty for mini-Douieb so this is a proper sized show and yet somehow, also fun sized. I never understand how fun sized was smaller than normal sized when it came to chocolate. What so it’s more fun to be left hungry is it? Fun sized should’ve been so big that you can take novelty photos of you pretending to lift it up or sitting on it, before gorging yourself on it for several days till you feel sick, but damn, imagine the insta stories eh? What’s been happening with all of you? I am sorry last week’s was a bit of a rushed mess in terms of my bits and hope you enjoyed the brilliant Ruth Ibegbuna. I am almost recharged as I’ve had a weekend that actually involved nice social occasions for the first time in about 6 months, grandparents did some babysitting. I got so excited about getting to speak to other adults in a normal way instead of them paying to see me, that I mostly spent my Saturday night being too tired to do anything other than clutch a beer like it was a life source and occasionally asking people how they were before telling them that I was very tired and forgetting sentences halfway through. It’s a real downer when you do return to attempting to have a social life and realise that you have become an anti-social curmudgeon who’d probably be better off having an evening in where I just stayed close to food sources and warmth and stored all my inadequate energy for later use. Still sometimes it’s nice just to have the headspace to imagine all the things you might do if my daughter ever let us sleep properly.
Thank you for coming back though and hope you are still finding this weekly shouting useful to you as we enter further boring and yet stressful political times. Huge thank you to, deep breath, Farran, Michael, Envoid, James and three somebodies who all donated to the ko-fi account with some very lovely messages. I say somebodies because they put their name as anonymous, I’m not just disregarding their importance as you are indeed very important to me, not least for supplying me with substantial amounts of coffee. Should you wish to join the donating gang, which I mean, all you get is me calling you a somebody, then please pop along to ko-fi.com/parpolbro or patreon.com/parpolbro and donate a few pennies to my caffeine needs, all of which help me keep this podcast going. Thanks too to those of you who’ve added reviews over the past week, please do keep those coming on the iTunes and other podcast app review pages, and mostly though do spread the word as all of it helps. I mean, it helps the podcast do well, which allows me to justify keeping doing it, but it doesn’t actually help the world escape its eventual fate. Sorry if you were expecting a better pay off to your contribution but at the moment I haven’t found anywhere to buy coffee that uses my coins to stop the sun exploding. I will keep looking though. Café Hero maybe? Costa Survival? Starfucks? I’ll definitely stop there. Also thanks for all the excellent guest suggestions that many of you have sent in. I have added them to a list of names I have of people to get in touch with, that also, were I to be investigated by police, might look like a hit list as I cross them off once each one gets back to me. And I obvs have cut out pictures of all their faces around my walls too. Ok not the last bit. But maybe a bit.
So this week I need to tell you about several podcasts that I am on or doing that aren’t this one because I know you have infinite listening time in your lives and all you really want to do everyday is hear my stupid voice. Well your welcome as I can totally sort that out for you. First up, I’m on the Totally Unprepared Politics podcast this week which was much fun and I rambled unpreparededededly about Brexit, Syria, diplomatic immunity and birds singing 2Pac tracks. Do check it out. The link will be in the pod blurb. Also later this week I’m doing the Ministry of Swooping podcast all about fake news and that, which I think will be out on Friday. Those are one offs but I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking Tiernan, what I really love about Partly Political Broadcast is all the jokes that don’t really work, why don’t you do a podcast with none of those on it? Well you’re in luck as I’m now the host of the new season of Nesta’s Future Curious podcast, and it is much less jokey than this show but that’s because I chat to genuinely fascinating social innovators and people who are actually positive about the future – what? I KNOW RIGHT – and all sorts of excellent humans who I would get on this podcast if I wasn’t already talking to them for another one. Episode one of Future Curious is out this week, link in the pod blurb, and is all about having a survival kit for the future, which sounds terrifying but isn’t. Go check it out. I’ve popped a trailer on the end of this show too.
Last thing is the live Partly Political gig is still happening at 2Northdown in Kings Cross on October 29th but, well, no one’s really grabbing any tickets, which is fair because its half term and unlike this show, you can’t just listen to it in your car or on the train. But just for you lot, if you go to 2Northdown.com and grab some tickets you can use the code BREXITFALLOUT, all in caps, to get £2 off. Exciting times. It will be fun and there will be comedy, experts and a bar. Essentially a survival kit for the future. Damn I really should’ve said that on the other podcast. Gah.
On this week’s show I am talking to Helen Barnard from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation all about poverty in the UK, plus there is a Brexit Fallout catch up where I will spend several minutes telling you how nothing has happened. This whole podcast is just a clever way to plug the other podcasts I do that actually have content isn’t it? I’m like some sort of anti-marketing genius. I guess I should be hired by the Prime Minister any day now. Right, have this in your mush:
INTERVIEW WITH HELEN BARNARD
Based on social media or news stories, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the worst suffering people in the UK are those who are really sad that someone’s made a sausage roll they don’t like or a TV show wasn’t written how they would’ve written it with their lack of writing experience or someone put an apostrophe wrong. Those sorts of obviously terrifyingly awful situations. But fact is, a chunk of the British population are currently in poverty which means they have far more to worry about such as you know, being able to afford to pay for heating or to eat, regardless of the type of sausage roll. You may remember that back in the early days of the Conservative government in 2010, we were told that the financial crisis was actually our faults because of how we all were in charge of the banking sector and somehow didn’t use all our mighty corporate power that you and I, the people on the street, definitely have, to stop them destroying all the money before they were bailed out with all the money. Silly us. And then of course it was definitely our responsibility to pay all the money back that we didn’t lose or have. So, austerity kicked in, more cuts were made than in Edward Scissorhands and all the main systems of support in the UK were heavily depleted and have continued to be since. The UN Special Rapporteur, who as I’ve mentioned before on this show, sadly doesn’t do hip hop beats while carrying bags, well they might but they don’t tell anyone, said back in May of this year that the UK’s social safety net has been deliberately removed and replaced with a harsh uncaring ethos. The consequence of what was largely an ideological choice and my inability to ring up Fred Goodwin and say ‘hey mate, cut it out’ means that food bank usage has grown massively, homelessness has more than doubled and child poverty is rife. Something that was raised by the leader of the opposition in his reply to the Queen’s Speech but received Johnson’s retort that the free market will help them, you know, like it did in 2008. Oh. Oh well. But what can be done about it when all that’s being talked about is Brexit and those vegan sausage rolls are being made for people who want to eat them instead of not being made for those who don’t?
This week I spoke to Helen Barnard, Deputy Director of policy and partnerships at Joseph Rowntree Foundation, an independent charity that I’m sure you’ve heard of before, as they work hard to solve poverty in the UK. She told me all about what can be done to stop the country’s rising poverty issue, very importantly what people in poverty actually want and need and we do actually mention sausage rolls. Yes I know I normally put a joke one here, but you’ll see, I actually do. Here’s Helen:
INTERVIEW WITH HELEN PART 1
And we’ll be back with Helen in a minute but first, the return of…
Yes, Brexit Fallout is back and let me just go through all my notes about exactly where we are with the whole Brexit thing and…. *NOTES SFX* oh. Sorry, these all appear to be non-papers. Oh well. But something does actually have to happen by the end of this week, with the EU summit and the Saturday sessions or Saturday morning shitbin or whatever it is you want to call the Commons doing weekend work, hopefully for the sort of pay they’d give a 16 year old working part time at GAME. Either, somehow, as unlikely as it is, there will be a Brexit deal and the UK will leave the EU on October the 31st meaning any French ghosts popping over for Samhein may have trouble getting back on the EurostAAARGGHHH. See what I’ve done there? Yep. I’m very pleased with myself actually. Or we won’t have a deal and then Johnson will have to write a letter to the EU asking to keep this neverending Edge of Tomorrow where you don’t even get the satisfaction of win-zipped smiling eyebrow Tom Cruise getting repeatedly maimed, which they may accept and then the UK will head to an election, or they may veto which means No Deal crash out on Oct 31st followed by an election or Boris Johnson may have cast an ancient spell on his letter meaning it turns into a donut when it arrives and so legally he’s ok, but we’ll still crash out on Oct 31st. If you had a diagram with all the different arrows on it then basically, you’re a nerd but that’s ok. Sorry, I mean, there’s two No deal possibilities, one deal possibility and one oh god it’s still happening why won’t anyone let me die possibility.
Now obviously Johnson’s proposal to avoid a backstop is all the big news. The plan is for Northern Ireland to sort of be in the EU customs union but also not, but also be in the UK’s one but sort of not, and all declarations of goods to be done electronically using technology that doesn’t exist and when it does, companies like Yodel will just sign shit for you and leave it in a bin and pretend that counts. At the moment the EU doesn’t share any border with a non-EU country without it having a big physical border. But the way around this would be that Northern Ireland won’t need customs checks with the EU as it’ll share all their regs but it will need them with the UK as we’ve disowned it as a family member and let the other parent have custody. But the DUP, you know, everyone’s favourite political party of the happiness abysses, they want Northern Ireland to have the same as the UK and you know them whole troubles thing that no one ever mentions, well wasn’t that all to do with Northern Ireland’s relationship with the UK and Ireland and wanting to be part of the UK not Ireland and….yeah. The whole thing sort of feels a lot like Boris sat there and listened to a child say I’d like an ice cream but no nuts as I’m allergic and that’d kill me, and he nodded his head and bought them the tasty snack of a peanut butter covered giant nut with nut dust on it, incased in a veneer of nuts.
That’s the bit of the deal we all know about and the general assumption is that the rest of it is not too different from the plan of former Prime Minister and what a nook or cranny would look like if it was human Theresa May. You know, same shit, different font. But actually, Johnson’s deal is much harder than May’s was and according to the government’s own data, would leave everyone in the UK £2250 poorer than before. The official EU Exit, Long Term Analysis papers state that real wages will take a long term hit of 6.4%, something that Home Secretary and someone who’d sabotage a cake fair to make sure she won Priti Patel denied, before asking where those stats were from and being told they were her own. Hey, she was probably on holiday meeting war criminals when they were released. The report says 2% of the hit to national income will be taken out of public finances, approximately £700m per week, which means not only will it not go to the NHS twice, but will be used to make things barely as they are now. May’s deal in comparison only had a 3.9% hit to GDP but that’s because her free trade agreement with the EU made UK regulations the same as EU’s, saving costs. But Boris wants to cut all the red tape to allow for trading with old Trumpy face and all his chlorinated cocks, but that would stick a £15bn a year bill on customs forms for trade with the EU, which will hit manufacturing sector, the North East and Northern Ireland the worst, while any new migration policies will completely destroy other sectors from fruit picking which we’ve already seen, all the way to Bristol’s emerging tech hub. Now sure, we could get amazing deals from all the rest of the world who’ve seen how we blame our trade partners for all our incompetancies and you know, that makes our exports of pessimism, rain and inherent xenophobia really attractive to them, but the government reports factor in all possible deals and we still lose a shit ton of money. So if all the other parties vote down a deal on Saturday it’s not just because they really want to get an extension and have an election and get into power because that’s all that matters to them, I mean it probably is, but it’s also very likely that they aren’t funded by people who’d survive that sort of terrible deal, could very potentially get a better deal, you know like the one they all voted against lots and maybe make us only lose less money. That’s true patriotism right there. Seeing the shit options and only choosing the least shit, shit one. It’s no wonder Brexit Negotiator and flagpole Michael Barnier said Brexit was like climbing a mountain because its rocky, really hard, getting tricky to breathe and Boris would be very keen to cut the rope if it meant he got to the top first, even though he’s unlikely to have packed the necessary equipment because he thinks he’ll just get there with confidence.
And now back to Helen…
INTERVIEW WITH HELEN PART 2
Thanks, so much to Helen for sparing the time for a chat. You can find Helen on twitter @Helen_Barnard, and the Joseph Rowntree Foundation are jrf.org.uk, and on Twitter @jrf_uk. The links for the London Challenge poverty week, last week’s Scotland Challenge and the 5 weeks too long campaign are all in the podcast blurb this week and on the partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk website too, and of Helen’s recommendations will be soon too.
Don’t forget if you have interviewees you’d like to recommend or subjects I’ve just completely ignored because you know, I’m only a human bean with limited brain space, so it does sometimes need a nudge with a thought stick to remember all that’s going on. But that’s ok as you can send a thought stick directly to me with your suggestions to the contact page on the website, @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or you can block all your Instagram followers except one and post a fake suggestion and then when I interview them you’ll know Rebekah Vardy did it. It’s prob just easier to email isn’t it?
And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast this week. Thank you for lending your ears and I hope that I was able to return them with added interest. Don’t forget to check out the Future Curious podcast and the Totally Unprepared Politics show podcast this week, and of course, grab your tickets to the live ParPolBro show which will be a lot of fun, but you know, live. Please give this show a lovely review on your podcast apps, slam some dosh in the ko-fi or Patreon accounts and just generally please spread the word like vocab butter so that all the good people in your life can get this noise in their ear sandwich. No wait, that sounds disgusting. Just maybe send them a link or something so they can see it with their eye sandwich. No that doesn’t even make sense. Please do a nice tweet. Thanks.
Thanks as always to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik and Kat Day for typing up the linear liner notes for the partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk.
This will be back next week when the Prince Charles finally gets to the throne after Boris Johnson tries to make the Queen read all his children’s promises for the homework they might do if they can be bothered, then his Line Of Duty slash fan fic and a series of poems he wrote about bridges and she decides it’s more fun to walk into the sea.
This week’s show was sponsored by Arron Banks’s ‘Sorry Seems to be the hardest word’, a guide to which emojis to use to avoid having to admit you’re a racist. Culturally misappropriated a national dish? A quick post of the of the shock face emoji should persuade no one it was an accident. Used xenophobic historical sterotypes to make a point that isn’t really there? Avoid online rage with the one of the two dancing women followed by an octopus or someone lifting weights. Job done! Get ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’ and you’ll get away with all your online bigotry in minutes, though to be fair, you do anyway. Sigh.