Episode 143 – World’s Worst Fan Club – EU Elections, The Brexit Party, Change UK, Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007

Released on Tuesday, May 14th, 2019.

Episode 143 – World’s Worst Fan Club – EU Elections, The Brexit Party, Change UK, Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007

Episode 143 – Its the totally expected unexpected EU elections in but a week and a bit’s time, so chances are you need to know what’s what? Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) explains all, while also being sad that Nigel Farage exists. Plus Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007 (@memorial2007) on their campaign to remember, honour and educate on those that were lost, enslaved and resisted the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and their descendants.

MEMORIAL 2007 LINKS:

Petition: https://www.change.org/p/uk-parliament-erect-the-first-national-memorial-to-commemorate-enslaved-africans-and-their-descendants

GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/where-is-our-history-memorial2007-fundraiser

Video shoot event page: https://m.facebook.com/events/631751120611188?acontext=%7B%22ref%22%3A%2298%22%2C%22action_history%22%3A%22null%22%7D&aref=98

Website: http://memorial2007.org.uk/

HOW DOES THIS POLITICS THING WORK THEN?

‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ at Quarterhouse Folkestone on May 25th

And at Underbelly Festival at Southbank on May 30th and 31st

USUAL PODCAST JAZZ

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Watch Tiernan’s comedy specials on Next Up Comedy at: www.nextupcomedy.com/tiernanisgreat

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Music by The Last Skeptik (@thelastskeptik) – https://www.thelastskeptik.com/Subscribe to his podcast Thanks For Trying here.




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Further Reading

Linear liner notes

It’s the totally expected unexpected EU elections in but a week and a bit’s time, so chances are you need to know what’s what? Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) explains all, while also being sad that Nigel Farage exists. Pus Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007 (@memorial2007) on their campaign to remember, honour and educate on those that were lost, enslaved and resisted the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, and their descendants.

Links and sources of info from Pauline’s interview:

All the usual ParPolBro stuff:


Transcript

Episode 143

 

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast podcast, the podcast that echoes British politics by taking an awful lot of time talking about absolutely nothing happening. This is episode 143, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Leader of the Brexit Party and the physical manifestation of that feeling when you touch something slimy but you don’t know what it is Nigel Farage, has accused the Prime Minister of willfully deceiving people over Brexit, what I want to know is that does that mean he’s been unwilfully doing it all along and is take back control his subtle cry for help to escape from whoever’s forcing him to do this? Or is saying someone else willfully deceives too, just his way of doing a compliment and his Valentine’s day cards often just involve saying ‘well you’re an awful bastard’ and hoping they too find it an attractive quality?

 

Yes, sadly for everyone, Nigel Farage is all over the news again like a rash. Why? Well it’s mainly because the Brexit Party are constantly topping the European election polls as people who are at home to answer calls in the day think that the best way to make a stand to leave the EU is to elect a ton of people to the EU, who won’t then do their job but at the same time won’t be able to make a blind bit of difference to the Brexit negotiations. It feels a lot like protesting about horrific mass farming procedures by making sure someone who’s also against them gets hired to work at a pop-up KFC stand for a weekend. Education Secretary and pinched ball of overused plasticine Damien Hinds said the European Elections are the ultimate protest vote. Yeah, the ultimate way to protest by electing people who don’t want to do a certain job to do a certain job. It’d only be an ultimate protest vote if this was all an immense trolling by the British public and the aim was to elect the Brexit Party to as many MEP seats as possible, and then vote to remain in a 2nd referendum so they actually had to work as part of an institution they hated. Otherwise, you’d be better off just writing obscene things on your ballot paper and hoping officials don’t just take that as a vote for whichever candidate in your area is the biggest penis.

 

Despite being in the lead the Brexit Party still have no manifesto, and Farage said they will never have one which supporters say makes them better than others who have policies and don’t keep them. Yes, that makes sense. I mean those who can’t follow through on their aims or deceive the public are much worse than those who think the public are so stupid they don’t even need to be deceived in the first place. On the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, one of ol’ gobshite’s many television appearances over the week, purely put in place so that later the same pundits that interviewed him can ask how he became so popular with the people, Farage appeared to get annoyed at being asked questions about things he’d previously said. And yeah, that is sloppy of the BBC to do such a thing. I mean, why would they assume he’d remember any of that when he didn’t have any conviction back then either? These subjects ranged from admiring Putin, which is the sort of thing you have to say if you still want to get funding, to saying that climate change policies are pointless though I’m sure that he would think that as reptiles survive in a warmer climate. Nigel instead asked why Andrew Marr didn’t ask him about other party members, which he should’ve done as there aren’t any, just supporters who’ve paid £25 for the privilege. It’s like the world’s worst fan club. Pay your fee and within 3 weeks you’ll receive a general feeling of chaos, and dread, plus a badge and 5 recipes on how to make a meal out of everything! But while many suggested Farage had put on a terrible show, he actually displayed very Trump like behavior, blaming the press for a conspiracy against him, saying he was victimized and shouting lots of things that have absolutely no substance. So it’s likely it just made him more popular with his supporters and the only real way to knock him off his snake oil wagon is to either ignore him, which won’t happen, interrogate him properly on any interviews which also probably won’t happen, or, I dunno, sprinkle salt around so he dissolves when he gets there. According to the newspaper even the Necromicon would say is just too awful, The Sun, Farage ran off after his chauffer crashed their 4×4 into a car that had a 13-month-old baby in it. The baby was ok, but I mean typical Nigel, ruining children’s futures and not sticking around long enough to be accountable for it. The Brexit Party are now calling for 650 candidates for a general election, because there is no better way of tackling the elite than by being elected to be the elite while already being the elite. I’m just waiting for them to take on billionaires by asking for billions on funding to do so.

 

While the Brexit Party storm the polls, the other new kid on the block, just the one that no one picks from their team and doesn’t make any room on the lunchtable for, Change UK aka the one who changes names and logos like its Lady Gaga at the Met Ball only no one takes any notice, still hasn’t really got anywhere. Now that could be because as a friend of ours pointed out over the weekend, she had to ask her partner who they were and she was certain she kept up with the news. It could also be because plans for Change UK, the Lib Dems and the Greens to back a single Remain based candidate in the Peterborough by election in June fell through when, the unnamed candidate pulled out hours before the deadline. It doesn’t hold much hope for the Remain parties when their representative candidate prefers to leave. Gavin Shuker, who is a 4 year old’s drawing of a what a man looks like but made 3D, said the reason was that the Labour party had said they would strenuously disrupt the campaign and obstruct an independent candidate. Well yes, that’s what happens in an election Gavin. It explains their incredibly low polling figures and no one knowing who they are if Change UK assume all you have to do for an election is turn up and apparently no one else will bother.

 

Oh, and if you were wondering, Minister for the Cabinet Office and distressed cotton bud David Lidlington said that the UK has to fight the European Elections. So yes they are definitely on as you probably knew ages before David did, making me wonder if they got him to announce it as a prank so he’d look stupid. But also, how does a country fight an election? It’s for parties to fight, not for the whole of the UK to take up arms or tiny voting pencils and charge into battle. Has he got it confused with Eurovision? Is there a chance the Conservatives won’t stand anyone for an MEP but inbetween Sweden and Croatia’s entries on May 18th, Prime Minister and flesh covered box loading machine Theresa May will leap up and do stilted dancing and coughing to a pop-beat. Speaking of May, it seems cross party Brexit talks, have predictably, completely failed with some of Labour now demanding any deal has to include a second referendum, and some of their MPs saying it doesn’t, and some of their MPs saying it does again. It’s amazing that Labour’s European Elections campaign started with party leader and all the wrong choices on a children’s flip book Jeremy Corbyn announcing that Labour can unite our country, when his own MPs are still as about together as a scattered box of hundreds and thousands. But maybe some of those Labour MPs are right, until they contradict themselves again on telly any day now. During a meeting with the Lib Dems, David Lidlington said that a second referendum had become perfectly practical. While many have seen that as hope it’ll happen, judging by everything else the Conservatives have done in the last 9 years, I think that sounds like it’s the exact opposite of anything they’d do. Withered Elton John tribute act and Belgian politician Guy Verhoftstadt said during a visit to the UK that he didn’t know if Brexit will happen, which proves anyone who says the EU doesn’t represent British people is completely wrong as that’s the level of certainty we have about it too.

 

When asked during Prime Minister’s Questions when she’d be standing down by Conservative MP and woman who always looks like she’d pretend to be a nice neighbor but then call noise pollution officers on you because she heard you coughing once Andrea Jenkyns, May responded by saying Brexit is not an issue about her. You know despite her red lines, inability to talk to another human being without being weird and a lack of any plans other than to say the same phrases over and over again and present the exact same deal all being the reason no one has got anywhere. If it’s not an issue about her, then she’s definitely written a lot of the articles and paid for most of the adverts. May said if it was up to her they’d have left already, in the same way that if it was up to me, I’d be eating a cake right now only I haven’t bothered to get one or made any efforts to make sure that could happen so I’m not. Though that is probably best for the podcast. In the same PMQs May compared herself to Liverpool FC beating Barcelona 4-3 in the second leg by saying she could make a Liverpool style comeback on Brexit. Except that Liverpool played to stay in Europe, with help from a German coach and kept control of the ball at all times, so pretty much the exact opposite of the Prime Minister endlessly scoring own goals.

 

We should find out her leaving date very soon, with predictions saying it’ll be between the EU elections and a Tory officials vote of no confidence against her in June, just in time for lots of hacks to get excited about an end of May end of May headline and the rest of us to be worried about what will come next. Recent leadership bids have come from every apprentice candidate in one person and disgraced MP Priti Patel who would make a terrible Prime Minister. I mean everytime she went on a holiday walking in Wales, she’d be meeting Israeli officials at the café on Snowdon Vistor centre. Presenter of daytime TV in the upside down Esther McVey has said she will be going forward, which is a first for her. Home Secretary and Morph’s evil twin Sajid Javid has already received £50k in funding and tried to illicit sympathy by saying that he gets abuse because of his colour all the time. That’s just working in the home office isn’t it? I bet that’s a warm up exercise he has for his staff and when they’re done he sends them back to their desks all fired up to deport people. And health secretary and that drama teacher who tries to invite himself on student’s nights out Matt Hancock turned up to an event in Soho dressed like he was about to host a workshop about society that mainly involved him singing songs he’d composed himself in his studio he’s had built in his garage. I find it weird that I’m now hoping May doesn’t leave all that quickly.

 

In other news, staff working for the Labour party could take strike action after their pay offer includes a real terms pay cut. It sort of feels like the party should be supporting them in protesting against this and I wonder if the picket lines will be full of bosses shouting at themselves for a better deal. The NHS is seeing the first sustained fall in GP numbers in 50 years, meaning that patients now really have to be. The UK economy has risen in the first quarter of the year by more than predicted though that’s entirely because the manufacturing sector increased output in order to prepare for Brexit on 29th March. It makes me wonder if this constantly delayed Brexit is just a sneaky way to get British workers super productive for once.

 

It’s been revealed that a number of MPs have been claiming expenses for their dependent children who are now in their 20s and aren’t. Energy vampire, sorry I mean minister Claire Perry claimed in 2017, an additional £9846 on top of her usual £22k of expenses for her allowance for her three children who are 17, 19 and 22. Five others have also been named as doing the same, but all of it fits in the Independent Parliamentary Standards authority rules. Saying that, if Claire Perry is your mum, you probably do need some sort of external help.

 

And lastly it’s not just British politics that are collapsing but also the home what they do happen in, the Palace of Westminster and plans have now been drawn up for what an interim parliament would look like while the old one has its various leaks repaired, and no I don’t mean they’re going to remove Gavin Williamson. The aim is to demolish the old department of health and have a new commons chamber in there. My preference though would be to just to make them use a different community centre around the country every morning and have to provide their own squash and biscuits. Or better still just stay in Parliament as it collapses and then get put up in tiny unsuitable b&bs while constantly promised they’ll be rehoused soon but still have nothing after two years.

 

 

ADMIN

 

Yeaaaah ParPolBrods. That was a long old intro considering the complete lack of news wasn’t it? Well I wanted to put something else in apart from Nigel Farage as I feel he’s had enough publicity already this week. I’m starting to feel like maybe the way to deal with his constantly presence on all the news shows, is not to complain, but insist he appears on other TV shows instead. Have him get spiders on his face in I’m A Celeb, that’d keep his mouth shut for a minute. Pop him on Saturday Kitchen and make him have beer constantly with every meal, but more than just one sip, while shouting ‘but you love drinking don’t you Nige, like a real person?’ before holding him upside down and dunking him in a keg. He could appear on various dramas and they play sinister music while he arrives and then have him killed off in a series of grim ways, following which all the other characters celebrate. How about Mastermind where they just ask him questions on what his policies are and he has to say pass on everything? It’s the old, if that’s what you want, you can have all of it treatment, like they used to do with cigarettes. Well if you want to smoke, you’ll have to smoke this entire pack in 10 minutes. I say they, I may have dreamed that but it sounds like one of those ideas a parent might have had before realizing that their kid will just boast about how many cigarettes they smoked in one go to all their friends while bunking off school to have a smoke. I will confide in you this week podpals, I was contacted last week to go Good Morning Britain to talk about the whole Danny Baker getting sacked thing and I turned it down. Even though I then re-read and they said there was a fee and now I feel a bit stupid. But firstly the idea of having to be near Piers Morgan is not how I want to spend any morning and I can’t imagine how happy his wife must be that now he isn’t around 5 mornings a week. Secondly, it was all because I did a silly tweet about Baker, saying that it was stupid of him to do a racist tweet about the royals, because if he’d done it about anything else he’d have kept his job and got interviewed on all the telly about his political party. But that doesn’t mean I, a white bloke, should go on and talk about whether or not another white blokes tweet was racist or not, that’s not my place to decide that. I mean it was, but that’s not the point. Still, I didn’t do it and now I have some sort of moral high ground, apart from the sadness that I could’ve got paid and didn’t realise. So moral ground level? Low ground? No morals at all just contempt for Piers floppy knee flesh for a face Morgan? Yes probably.

 

Anyway, you’re here and that’s what’s important and thanks for that. A big thank you this week to Sophie Yates Lu from Campaign Bootcamp which is where they train people to run effective political campaigns, and well worth checking out. Sophie very kindly sent some recent graduates from really interesting campaigns, one of which I speak to on this very episode. So much appreciated. That’s all the thanks this week. No one donated to the ko-fi or Patreon sites, no one reviewed the show, I spent most days having to check with my wife that I still existed and hadn’t faded away into the ether. Ha! Joke. None of you have to do any of those things but if you don’t then this bit becomes very boring or essentially just me pretending to be victimized because you didn’t give me dosh or love for the thing I do by choice. Maybe I should set up a Brexit Party style supporters system? You could all give me a few quid and in return I won’t even do the podcast, I’ll just insinuate that I might do one at some point then blame everyone else for doing podcasts wrongly instead. Does that work? Oh god they’re going to do so well because so many people can’t smell bullshit when it’s in a suit. Sorry, I mean please do a donating, review the show on whichever pod app you use or just tell people that this exists and maybe they should give it a whirl, or better yet, once they’ve stopped whirling, a listen if they aren’t too dizzy.

 

I did a podcast that isn’t this one again this week. I hope you all listened to It Dies Here hosted by Akin Omobitan last week and if you haven’t, you still can, hooray internets. Then last night I guested on the Totally Unprepared Politics Podcast which is very much what it says, with hosts Jake and Ada chatting politics things without any preparation whatsoever. Do check it out, it’s a very fun show.

 

Also, I know I plug this every week at the moment but I have to until every ticket is sold. The kids show about politics ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ with me and Tatton from SimplePolitics.co.uk is on at the Folkestone Quarterhouse on the 25th May, just after the EU elections, and then the Underbelly Festival on Southbank on May 30th and 31st. Its suitable for children 7+ and sort of explains politics to them. I mean, not current politics, no one can explain that. Just how it should be. Ahem. Please go to the Quarterhouse or Underbelly Festival websites to grab those tickets asap.

 

On this week’s show I am speaking to Pauline Ankunda about the Memorial 2007 campaign to remember those who died and were enslaved in the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade that so much of Britain was funded by, and to educate people about it. Which is easily much more informative than any attempts to try to chat with Piers Morgan about Danny Baker’s tweets, probably. Plus this week, a little look at the EU elections for they are only just over a week away and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be wondering how to vote, why to vote or maybe just how are we here and why oh why is this all happening how do I make it stop? I won’t be answering the last two. Sorry.

INTERVIEW PART 1

 

If you’re British, chances are you’ve asked a number of times with a high level of reason to do so, are we the baddies? Now look, the answer isn’t always yes, but when we’re not probably doesn’t quite neutralize all those the times when we are or have been. I mean, sure, Fawlty Towers was very funny, but then, there was the British Empire and the enslaving and forced colonizing of millions. We do make excellent pies but oh, we caused a massive famine in India. And Ireland. And are currently aiding one in Yemen and oh god. I mean, sometimes it’s a wonder other countries haven’t bombed us claiming it’s for humanitarian aid. The Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade is one of those very big historical events that lead to the slavery of between 25-30 million people, the deaths of many, and an oppression that lasted for four centuries, and as stated by the French historian Jean-Michel Deveau was one of the greatest tragedies in the history of humanity in terms of scale and duration. Whereas according to British history, it is ‘oh yeah that, well I’m sure we stopped that.’ When? ‘Oh er, probably quite quickly after it started, yep, anyway crop rotation is pretty great huh?’ Britain was very heavily involved in the slave trade with our ships being the largest on the most major trade route, until parliament banned it in 1807, at which point the Brits moved to Asia and exploited cheap labour instead, because we’re always looking for the very worst of bargains. But millions were inherited for the country because of it, and arguably the industrial revolution would never have happened without its funding. Neither would the building of many cities, ports, canals and large houses owned by the very rich. Several banks started on slave trade money, and the Church of England did pretty well out of it too, because you know that’s what Jesus would have wanted right? And yet, as you’ll hear in this interview, in schools it’s still mostly reduced to a bit of homework, and there’s a museum in Liverpool which someone on google reviews criticized for having not much going on when they visited, though I think in terms of the slave trade they really should see that as a plus and a sign of progression.

 

The Memorial 2007 campaign has, for 17 years now, been making the case for a permanent memorial to remember those who died, were enslaved and resisted the slave trade, as well as commemorate their descendants and create an educational resource so that people can learn about one of the greatest tragedies in the history of humanity. The project has planning permission for the statue to be placed in Hyde Park but they still don’t have the funding. So this week I spoke to Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007 on why awareness about the trans-atlantic slave trade is lacking in Britain, what it would mean to children of African and West Indian descent to have their ancestors’ history included in education and what she thinks of the crop rotation system as I mean, its pretty great right? No ok, I didn’t ask the last one, that would be stupid. Please have a listen and then, after the interview and in the podcast info on your app I’ve listed how you can help.

 

Here’s Pauline:

 

INTERVIEW WITH PAULINE PART 1

 

And we’ll be back with Pauline in a minute but first….

 

 

 

 

 

EU ELECTIONS EXPLAINER – EU ELECTIONS JINGLE

 

Surprise! It’s the EU elections next week despite absolutely no one expecting them. Sorry? What was that? You’ve guessed that this would happen since when? Around autumn 2016? Oh ok. You mean you didn’t think the government would have worked out a Brexit deal by now and every time they haven’t managed it you’ve not been overcome with shock and exasperation? No? No of course not. This is exactly the sort of shit Nostradamus would’ve done on his day off while drunk. What we don’t yet know if if the MEPs will get to take their seats in the 2nd of July….hahahah yep you’re right, they almost certainly will. Ok what we don’t yet know is if they’ll only serve for a few weeks as May finds a new plan before the summer reces…..ahahahahahahaha ok yes you’re right again. Ok, ok, what we actually don’t know is just how much voters will use this as a protest vote, or as a serious vote for who they want to represent them in the EU or just as a nice day out to their local school, scout hut, community centre or portacabin. Sometimes it is just fun putting a cross in a box like your making the most minimalist of treasure maps. But as much as all of this feels inevitable it’s still handy to know exactly how it will all work, or more likely, won’t.

 

 

The EU elections are proportional which doesn’t just mean they give realistic body expectations, but more that the party with the most votes take the first seat, then the second seat is decided by taking the original vote count, then dividing it by the number of seats they have, then adding plus one because you know, they thought they’d make this easy for everyone. So if you’re the big time winning party with seat number one, you get your totals divided by 2, while everyone else gets theirs divided by 1, and so on and so on until there is only one seat left which has to be fought for using their large cutlery implement of choice and while wearing a Victorian hat. No ok, it just keeps dividing and allocating till they’re all gone. This is apparently called the D’Hondt method because its too complicated most elections D’Hondt use it. Ahem. No it is actually named after the Belgian dude what named it, but in the US it’s called the Jefferson method because they bloody well have to remake everything don’t they? Anyway that’s what’s used all over Britain except in Northern Ireland where everyone just votes for who they want in order of preference with a first, second and third preference you know in a way that actually makes sense.

 

There are 73 MEP seats up for grabs in the UK, and each area has between 3 to 10 MEPs depending on how big they are. The areas that is, not the MEPs. If one MEP is over 6 foot or very wide, they don’t just say, well that’s one less seat for you because you’ll need two. It’s not like on airplanes. Where I am, in the big smoke, there’s 8 seats, but in North East England there’s only 3 because crags and hills don’t get a vote which I think is discriminatory especially as they have to suffer the country’s ups and downs like everyone else…no I’m sorry that’s just too shit a gag.

 

The last EU elections were in 2014 and had the amazing turnout of 35.4% which is amazing as it was a whole 0.9% up on the ones before. Yes, it’s amazing how just two years after that people were convinced the EU was undemocratic after likely not taking any part in its democracy. In that one UKIP, then led by everyone’s least favourite suited hagfish Nigel Farage, won with 26.6% of the vote and gaining 24 seats which their MEPs then went on to rarely take unless it was to start fighting each other or to specifically vote against a ban on the sale of elephant ivory. Or against extra funding for various British areas or groups. Because they’re so against the EU, they won’t even take its money unless its for their own personal salaries and pension funds which is totally different obvs. Labour were just behind with 20 seats and 24.4% of the vote, then the Conservatives with 19 seats and sadly the Animal Welfare Party got none because no one cares about the teeny animals no more. But this time? Well the last YouGov poll from April 30th suggests the Brexit Party lead by the same dickhead with a different logo is set to get 34% of the vote which will be….er some seats. D’Hondt even talk about it. Then Labour are on 21%, the Conservatives are in 5th place behind the Lib Dems and the Greens, and all the way down at the bottom is Change UK on 3% even though they’ve just revealed their bus that looks a lot like it has accidentally covered itself in printing error.

 

So who to vote for? Er, that’s up to you. It depends where you are too. I mean in the South West you have the exciting choice of Lord Andrew Adonis who looks like a Kelpian from Star Trek Discovery, yes nerds, that one’s for you, and is generally a hugely irritating twat who seems to change his mind every two minutes on where he stands and in that sense, is totally along Labour’s political lines. Or there’s crumbling verruca with a face Ann Widdicombe for the Brexit Party just incase you’ve given up on humanity entirely. Or for UKIP there’s character from the 1970’s joy of sex books who just stands peering in through the window wanking Carl Benjamin who’s currently under police investigation for threatening to not rape Jess Philips, which is, no I’m not even gonna, look he’s an awful twat ok? Or if none of those tickle your already completely numb and untickle-able parts, there’s amalgamation of Rod, Jane and Freddy Rachel Johson who, is, well a Johnson in all sense of the word and is running for Change UK party. Or Molly Scott Cato for the Greens who’s already an MEP and look, I don’t want to influence your vote but…and don’t quote me on this, she doesn’t seem completely unhinged. But you know, you do you.

 

Checking on whocanIvotefor.co.uk I’ve got loads of fun ones in the London constituency. The Animal Welfare Party has 7, yes, 7 candidates because they are not fucking about. THOSE DOGGOS NEED WELFARE IN THE EUROPES NOW! Then there are 11 independent candidates including Roger Hallam who is a co-founder of Extinction Rebellion and Claudia McDowell who’s a climate and ecological emergency candidate. Or Alan Dennis Kirkby who hasn’t even bothered to load a picture up and when I google him pictures of other MEP candidates come up. Maybe he can emulate all of them and by voting for him, he’ll be the uber MEP with the skills of many? Or he’s lazy and doesn’t deserve a vote because he’s hoping having three names is enough. ITS NOT ALAN! YOU LOSE THIS TIME! YOU LOSE!

 

If you want to vote to stop the Brexit Party, well its proportional representation so you vote for who you want, that isn’t the Brexit Party or you can look and see who has the highest likelihood of getting the most or next most amount of seats in your area and vote for them, but the Brexit Party will probably still get seats because we are in the darkest timeline. If you want to have a laugh? Vote for Change UK so they can at least maybe reach double digits. Of votes I mean. Not seats. Hahahahah definitely not seats. And will any of it make a difference to Brexit? Well if the Brexit Party do storm it, it’s likely Theresa May will say that gives her an even bigger mandate to push for Brexit and will encourage sickface Nigel to run his party in the general elections if they ever happen. And if Remain parties do very well? Then Theresa May will still say she has an even bigger mandate to push for Brexit because that’s the only thing she’s programmed to say and it really doesn’t matter. Most importantly, these people will have to represent us in the EU for some amount of time and it can either be Farage, Ann Widdicome and IRA pal Claire Fox sitting in the corner at Strasborg as everyone wonders why the UK has foregone have MEPs and instead just dressed up some rotting offal and had it delivered?

 

But definitely vote, that’s the most sensible thing to do and then in years to come as the Brexit party rule Britain on a manifesto of absolutely nothing and the UK is now but a feudal system where goods are exchanged for racist jokes or sideways glances, then you’ll say you were there when everyone said ‘Who is Alan Dennis Kirkby?’

 

 

And now, back to Pauline…

 

INTERVIEW PART 2

 

Thanks so much to Pauline for having time to chat to me. You can find Memorial 2007 online at memorial2007.org.uk and on Twitter @memorial2007. There is also a crowdfunder which I’ll pop the link to that in the podcast blurb, as well as the petition calling for parliament to fund it and a call to action for people to join their campaign video shoot on the 18th May if you’re able to help and again I’ll pop the facebook link for that in all places partly political so do check them out and help if you can.

 

The next few weeks of guests are in the bag and I’ll let them out one by one to talk to me before putting them back in and releasing them into the wild afterwards. No, sorry I mean I have interviews arranged for up until June, after which, I’ll need interviewees again. So who do you recommend I chat to? What subjects shall I chat about? Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar, spoiler, not me, I didn’t. So please send answers to all those things, if you have them, baring in mind it definitely wasn’t me that stole the cookies, to @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast Facebook group, the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could indulge in a very extravagant game of Chinese Whispers whereby you tell one person what you want who then passes it to the next and the next. However, as is the ethos of this podcast, I would demand that unless you are making a racially inappropriate statement with that game, you would have to do it in fluent mandarin and a low tone of voice so it was merely a factual title. Though I don’t speak Mandarin so as someone randomly shouted it to me in the street, I’d assume it was for someone else and it’d be an entirely wasted few years of your life apart from the whole learning another language thing which could be handy. It’s probably just easier to email eh?

 

 

END

 

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thanks loads for your precious, precious time and I promise that I now I have I will put it somewhere safe where it won’t get broken and use it when needed perhaps before a deadline or just when crossing the road to upset drivers. Please do donate to the show via the ko-fi or patreon if you can and want to, both of those are important factors and if you don’t want to or can’t then why not review the show for free or advertise to it others via the medium of your mouth or social media accounts or children’s parent teacher night or graffiti on your local bus stop or large tattoo across your exposed midriff?

 

Thankings to Acast for filing this show in its sound library, to my brother The Last Skeptik for all the musical sounds and to Kat Day for typing up the linear liner notes to add to the archive of partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk that some of you look at occasionally. All the links, transcripts of my bits and other things are all there, go see, browse and click to your hearts content. Go, go now. Hurry! Before they take the internets away and we’re reduced to just shouting at the sky.

 

This will be back next week when Nigel Farage will be complaining about the media ignoring him on 15 different channels at once while also somehow being an extra playable character on Fortnite, meanwhile the Change UK party have to wait 6 hours for a repair van to fix their battle bus as everyone thinks it’s a prank call.

 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

This week’s show was sponsored by Matt Hancock’s Snappy Threads. Are you worried you can no longer hang with the kids? Do you think you’re looking more dad than daddio? Well Snappy Threads, the new clothing app from real snazzy hip cat Matt Hancock that really does make them like they used to. Need an unecessarilly tshirt to tuck into those cords and show off your one pack? Snappy Threads got ya back. Worried that you don’t have sandals to wear with your favourite socks? Hancock’s Snappy Threads be here. Matt Hancock’s Snappy Threads available now for reasonable prices because I’m not made of money you know, you’ll understand when you’re older and stop talking back to your mother.

Episode 143

 

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast podcast, the podcast that echoes British politics by taking an awful lot of time talking about absolutely nothing happening. This is episode 143, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Leader of the Brexit Party and the physical manifestation of that feeling when you touch something slimy but you don’t know what it is Nigel Farage, has accused the Prime Minister of willfully deceiving people over Brexit, what I want to know is that does that mean he’s been unwilfully doing it all along and is take back control his subtle cry for help to escape from whoever’s forcing him to do this? Or is saying someone else willfully deceives too, just his way of doing a compliment and his Valentine’s day cards often just involve saying ‘well you’re an awful bastard’ and hoping they too find it an attractive quality?

 

Yes, sadly for everyone, Nigel Farage is all over the news again like a rash. Why? Well it’s mainly because the Brexit Party are constantly topping the European election polls as people who are at home to answer calls in the day think that the best way to make a stand to leave the EU is to elect a ton of people to the EU, who won’t then do their job but at the same time won’t be able to make a blind bit of difference to the Brexit negotiations. It feels a lot like protesting about horrific mass farming procedures by making sure someone who’s also against them gets hired to work at a pop-up KFC stand for a weekend. Education Secretary and pinched ball of overused plasticine Damien Hinds said the European Elections are the ultimate protest vote. Yeah, the ultimate way to protest by electing people who don’t want to do a certain job to do a certain job. It’d only be an ultimate protest vote if this was all an immense trolling by the British public and the aim was to elect the Brexit Party to as many MEP seats as possible, and then vote to remain in a 2nd referendum so they actually had to work as part of an institution they hated. Otherwise, you’d be better off just writing obscene things on your ballot paper and hoping officials don’t just take that as a vote for whichever candidate in your area is the biggest penis.

 

Despite being in the lead the Brexit Party still have no manifesto, and Farage said they will never have one which supporters say makes them better than others who have policies and don’t keep them. Yes, that makes sense. I mean those who can’t follow through on their aims or deceive the public are much worse than those who think the public are so stupid they don’t even need to be deceived in the first place. On the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, one of ol’ gobshite’s many television appearances over the week, purely put in place so that later the same pundits that interviewed him can ask how he became so popular with the people, Farage appeared to get annoyed at being asked questions about things he’d previously said. And yeah, that is sloppy of the BBC to do such a thing. I mean, why would they assume he’d remember any of that when he didn’t have any conviction back then either? These subjects ranged from admiring Putin, which is the sort of thing you have to say if you still want to get funding, to saying that climate change policies are pointless though I’m sure that he would think that as reptiles survive in a warmer climate. Nigel instead asked why Andrew Marr didn’t ask him about other party members, which he should’ve done as there aren’t any, just supporters who’ve paid £25 for the privilege. It’s like the world’s worst fan club. Pay your fee and within 3 weeks you’ll receive a general feeling of chaos, and dread, plus a badge and 5 recipes on how to make a meal out of everything! But while many suggested Farage had put on a terrible show, he actually displayed very Trump like behavior, blaming the press for a conspiracy against him, saying he was victimized and shouting lots of things that have absolutely no substance. So it’s likely it just made him more popular with his supporters and the only real way to knock him off his snake oil wagon is to either ignore him, which won’t happen, interrogate him properly on any interviews which also probably won’t happen, or, I dunno, sprinkle salt around so he dissolves when he gets there. According to the newspaper even the Necromicon would say is just too awful, The Sun, Farage ran off after his chauffer crashed their 4×4 into a car that had a 13-month-old baby in it. The baby was ok, but I mean typical Nigel, ruining children’s futures and not sticking around long enough to be accountable for it. The Brexit Party are now calling for 650 candidates for a general election, because there is no better way of tackling the elite than by being elected to be the elite while already being the elite. I’m just waiting for them to take on billionaires by asking for billions on funding to do so.

 

While the Brexit Party storm the polls, the other new kid on the block, just the one that no one picks from their team and doesn’t make any room on the lunchtable for, Change UK aka the one who changes names and logos like its Lady Gaga at the Met Ball only no one takes any notice, still hasn’t really got anywhere. Now that could be because as a friend of ours pointed out over the weekend, she had to ask her partner who they were and she was certain she kept up with the news. It could also be because plans for Change UK, the Lib Dems and the Greens to back a single Remain based candidate in the Peterborough by election in June fell through when, the unnamed candidate pulled out hours before the deadline. It doesn’t hold much hope for the Remain parties when their representative candidate prefers to leave. Gavin Shuker, who is a 4 year old’s drawing of a what a man looks like but made 3D, said the reason was that the Labour party had said they would strenuously disrupt the campaign and obstruct an independent candidate. Well yes, that’s what happens in an election Gavin. It explains their incredibly low polling figures and no one knowing who they are if Change UK assume all you have to do for an election is turn up and apparently no one else will bother.

 

Oh, and if you were wondering, Minister for the Cabinet Office and distressed cotton bud David Lidlington said that the UK has to fight the European Elections. So yes they are definitely on as you probably knew ages before David did, making me wonder if they got him to announce it as a prank so he’d look stupid. But also, how does a country fight an election? It’s for parties to fight, not for the whole of the UK to take up arms or tiny voting pencils and charge into battle. Has he got it confused with Eurovision? Is there a chance the Conservatives won’t stand anyone for an MEP but inbetween Sweden and Croatia’s entries on May 18th, Prime Minister and flesh covered box loading machine Theresa May will leap up and do stilted dancing and coughing to a pop-beat. Speaking of May, it seems cross party Brexit talks, have predictably, completely failed with some of Labour now demanding any deal has to include a second referendum, and some of their MPs saying it doesn’t, and some of their MPs saying it does again. It’s amazing that Labour’s European Elections campaign started with party leader and all the wrong choices on a children’s flip book Jeremy Corbyn announcing that Labour can unite our country, when his own MPs are still as about together as a scattered box of hundreds and thousands. But maybe some of those Labour MPs are right, until they contradict themselves again on telly any day now. During a meeting with the Lib Dems, David Lidlington said that a second referendum had become perfectly practical. While many have seen that as hope it’ll happen, judging by everything else the Conservatives have done in the last 9 years, I think that sounds like it’s the exact opposite of anything they’d do. Withered Elton John tribute act and Belgian politician Guy Verhoftstadt said during a visit to the UK that he didn’t know if Brexit will happen, which proves anyone who says the EU doesn’t represent British people is completely wrong as that’s the level of certainty we have about it too.

 

When asked during Prime Minister’s Questions when she’d be standing down by Conservative MP and woman who always looks like she’d pretend to be a nice neighbor but then call noise pollution officers on you because she heard you coughing once Andrea Jenkyns, May responded by saying Brexit is not an issue about her. You know despite her red lines, inability to talk to another human being without being weird and a lack of any plans other than to say the same phrases over and over again and present the exact same deal all being the reason no one has got anywhere. If it’s not an issue about her, then she’s definitely written a lot of the articles and paid for most of the adverts. May said if it was up to her they’d have left already, in the same way that if it was up to me, I’d be eating a cake right now only I haven’t bothered to get one or made any efforts to make sure that could happen so I’m not. Though that is probably best for the podcast. In the same PMQs May compared herself to Liverpool FC beating Barcelona 4-3 in the second leg by saying she could make a Liverpool style comeback on Brexit. Except that Liverpool played to stay in Europe, with help from a German coach and kept control of the ball at all times, so pretty much the exact opposite of the Prime Minister endlessly scoring own goals.

 

We should find out her leaving date very soon, with predictions saying it’ll be between the EU elections and a Tory officials vote of no confidence against her in June, just in time for lots of hacks to get excited about an end of May end of May headline and the rest of us to be worried about what will come next. Recent leadership bids have come from every apprentice candidate in one person and disgraced MP Priti Patel who would make a terrible Prime Minister. I mean everytime she went on a holiday walking in Wales, she’d be meeting Israeli officials at the café on Snowdon Vistor centre. Presenter of daytime TV in the upside down Esther McVey has said she will be going forward, which is a first for her. Home Secretary and Morph’s evil twin Sajid Javid has already received £50k in funding and tried to illicit sympathy by saying that he gets abuse because of his colour all the time. That’s just working in the home office isn’t it? I bet that’s a warm up exercise he has for his staff and when they’re done he sends them back to their desks all fired up to deport people. And health secretary and that drama teacher who tries to invite himself on student’s nights out Matt Hancock turned up to an event in Soho dressed like he was about to host a workshop about society that mainly involved him singing songs he’d composed himself in his studio he’s had built in his garage. I find it weird that I’m now hoping May doesn’t leave all that quickly.

 

In other news, staff working for the Labour party could take strike action after their pay offer includes a real terms pay cut. It sort of feels like the party should be supporting them in protesting against this and I wonder if the picket lines will be full of bosses shouting at themselves for a better deal. The NHS is seeing the first sustained fall in GP numbers in 50 years, meaning that patients now really have to be. The UK economy has risen in the first quarter of the year by more than predicted though that’s entirely because the manufacturing sector increased output in order to prepare for Brexit on 29th March. It makes me wonder if this constantly delayed Brexit is just a sneaky way to get British workers super productive for once.

 

It’s been revealed that a number of MPs have been claiming expenses for their dependent children who are now in their 20s and aren’t. Energy vampire, sorry I mean minister Claire Perry claimed in 2017, an additional £9846 on top of her usual £22k of expenses for her allowance for her three children who are 17, 19 and 22. Five others have also been named as doing the same, but all of it fits in the Independent Parliamentary Standards authority rules. Saying that, if Claire Perry is your mum, you probably do need some sort of external help.

 

And lastly it’s not just British politics that are collapsing but also the home what they do happen in, the Palace of Westminster and plans have now been drawn up for what an interim parliament would look like while the old one has its various leaks repaired, and no I don’t mean they’re going to remove Gavin Williamson. The aim is to demolish the old department of health and have a new commons chamber in there. My preference though would be to just to make them use a different community centre around the country every morning and have to provide their own squash and biscuits. Or better still just stay in Parliament as it collapses and then get put up in tiny unsuitable b&bs while constantly promised they’ll be rehoused soon but still have nothing after two years.

 

 

ADMIN

 

Yeaaaah ParPolBrods. That was a long old intro considering the complete lack of news wasn’t it? Well I wanted to put something else in apart from Nigel Farage as I feel he’s had enough publicity already this week. I’m starting to feel like maybe the way to deal with his constantly presence on all the news shows, is not to complain, but insist he appears on other TV shows instead. Have him get spiders on his face in I’m A Celeb, that’d keep his mouth shut for a minute. Pop him on Saturday Kitchen and make him have beer constantly with every meal, but more than just one sip, while shouting ‘but you love drinking don’t you Nige, like a real person?’ before holding him upside down and dunking him in a keg. He could appear on various dramas and they play sinister music while he arrives and then have him killed off in a series of grim ways, following which all the other characters celebrate. How about Mastermind where they just ask him questions on what his policies are and he has to say pass on everything? It’s the old, if that’s what you want, you can have all of it treatment, like they used to do with cigarettes. Well if you want to smoke, you’ll have to smoke this entire pack in 10 minutes. I say they, I may have dreamed that but it sounds like one of those ideas a parent might have had before realizing that their kid will just boast about how many cigarettes they smoked in one go to all their friends while bunking off school to have a smoke. I will confide in you this week podpals, I was contacted last week to go Good Morning Britain to talk about the whole Danny Baker getting sacked thing and I turned it down. Even though I then re-read and they said there was a fee and now I feel a bit stupid. But firstly the idea of having to be near Piers Morgan is not how I want to spend any morning and I can’t imagine how happy his wife must be that now he isn’t around 5 mornings a week. Secondly, it was all because I did a silly tweet about Baker, saying that it was stupid of him to do a racist tweet about the royals, because if he’d done it about anything else he’d have kept his job and got interviewed on all the telly about his political party. But that doesn’t mean I, a white bloke, should go on and talk about whether or not another white blokes tweet was racist or not, that’s not my place to decide that. I mean it was, but that’s not the point. Still, I didn’t do it and now I have some sort of moral high ground, apart from the sadness that I could’ve got paid and didn’t realise. So moral ground level? Low ground? No morals at all just contempt for Piers floppy knee flesh for a face Morgan? Yes probably.

 

Anyway, you’re here and that’s what’s important and thanks for that. A big thank you this week to Sophie Yates Lu from Campaign Bootcamp which is where they train people to run effective political campaigns, and well worth checking out. Sophie very kindly sent some recent graduates from really interesting campaigns, one of which I speak to on this very episode. So much appreciated. That’s all the thanks this week. No one donated to the ko-fi or Patreon sites, no one reviewed the show, I spent most days having to check with my wife that I still existed and hadn’t faded away into the ether. Ha! Joke. None of you have to do any of those things but if you don’t then this bit becomes very boring or essentially just me pretending to be victimized because you didn’t give me dosh or love for the thing I do by choice. Maybe I should set up a Brexit Party style supporters system? You could all give me a few quid and in return I won’t even do the podcast, I’ll just insinuate that I might do one at some point then blame everyone else for doing podcasts wrongly instead. Does that work? Oh god they’re going to do so well because so many people can’t smell bullshit when it’s in a suit. Sorry, I mean please do a donating, review the show on whichever pod app you use or just tell people that this exists and maybe they should give it a whirl, or better yet, once they’ve stopped whirling, a listen if they aren’t too dizzy.

 

I did a podcast that isn’t this one again this week. I hope you all listened to It Dies Here hosted by Akin Omobitan last week and if you haven’t, you still can, hooray internets. Then last night I guested on the Totally Unprepared Politics Podcast which is very much what it says, with hosts Jake and Ada chatting politics things without any preparation whatsoever. Do check it out, it’s a very fun show.

 

Also, I know I plug this every week at the moment but I have to until every ticket is sold. The kids show about politics ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ with me and Tatton from SimplePolitics.co.uk is on at the Folkestone Quarterhouse on the 25th May, just after the EU elections, and then the Underbelly Festival on Southbank on May 30th and 31st. Its suitable for children 7+ and sort of explains politics to them. I mean, not current politics, no one can explain that. Just how it should be. Ahem. Please go to the Quarterhouse or Underbelly Festival websites to grab those tickets asap.

 

On this week’s show I am speaking to Pauline Ankunda about the Memorial 2007 campaign to remember those who died and were enslaved in the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade that so much of Britain was funded by, and to educate people about it. Which is easily much more informative than any attempts to try to chat with Piers Morgan about Danny Baker’s tweets, probably. Plus this week, a little look at the EU elections for they are only just over a week away and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be wondering how to vote, why to vote or maybe just how are we here and why oh why is this all happening how do I make it stop? I won’t be answering the last two. Sorry.

INTERVIEW PART 1

 

If you’re British, chances are you’ve asked a number of times with a high level of reason to do so, are we the baddies? Now look, the answer isn’t always yes, but when we’re not probably doesn’t quite neutralize all those the times when we are or have been. I mean, sure, Fawlty Towers was very funny, but then, there was the British Empire and the enslaving and forced colonizing of millions. We do make excellent pies but oh, we caused a massive famine in India. And Ireland. And are currently aiding one in Yemen and oh god. I mean, sometimes it’s a wonder other countries haven’t bombed us claiming it’s for humanitarian aid. The Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade is one of those very big historical events that lead to the slavery of between 25-30 million people, the deaths of many, and an oppression that lasted for four centuries, and as stated by the French historian Jean-Michel Deveau was one of the greatest tragedies in the history of humanity in terms of scale and duration. Whereas according to British history, it is ‘oh yeah that, well I’m sure we stopped that.’ When? ‘Oh er, probably quite quickly after it started, yep, anyway crop rotation is pretty great huh?’ Britain was very heavily involved in the slave trade with our ships being the largest on the most major trade route, until parliament banned it in 1807, at which point the Brits moved to Asia and exploited cheap labour instead, because we’re always looking for the very worst of bargains. But millions were inherited for the country because of it, and arguably the industrial revolution would never have happened without its funding. Neither would the building of many cities, ports, canals and large houses owned by the very rich. Several banks started on slave trade money, and the Church of England did pretty well out of it too, because you know that’s what Jesus would have wanted right? And yet, as you’ll hear in this interview, in schools it’s still mostly reduced to a bit of homework, and there’s a museum in Liverpool which someone on google reviews criticized for having not much going on when they visited, though I think in terms of the slave trade they really should see that as a plus and a sign of progression.

 

The Memorial 2007 campaign has, for 17 years now, been making the case for a permanent memorial to remember those who died, were enslaved and resisted the slave trade, as well as commemorate their descendants and create an educational resource so that people can learn about one of the greatest tragedies in the history of humanity. The project has planning permission for the statue to be placed in Hyde Park but they still don’t have the funding. So this week I spoke to Pauline Ankunda from Memorial 2007 on why awareness about the trans-atlantic slave trade is lacking in Britain, what it would mean to children of African and West Indian descent to have their ancestors’ history included in education and what she thinks of the crop rotation system as I mean, its pretty great right? No ok, I didn’t ask the last one, that would be stupid. Please have a listen and then, after the interview and in the podcast info on your app I’ve listed how you can help.

 

Here’s Pauline:

 

INTERVIEW WITH PAULINE PART 1

 

And we’ll be back with Pauline in a minute but first….

 

 

 

 

 

EU ELECTIONS EXPLAINER – EU ELECTIONS JINGLE

 

Surprise! It’s the EU elections next week despite absolutely no one expecting them. Sorry? What was that? You’ve guessed that this would happen since when? Around autumn 2016? Oh ok. You mean you didn’t think the government would have worked out a Brexit deal by now and every time they haven’t managed it you’ve not been overcome with shock and exasperation? No? No of course not. This is exactly the sort of shit Nostradamus would’ve done on his day off while drunk. What we don’t yet know if if the MEPs will get to take their seats in the 2nd of July….hahahah yep you’re right, they almost certainly will. Ok what we don’t yet know is if they’ll only serve for a few weeks as May finds a new plan before the summer reces…..ahahahahahahaha ok yes you’re right again. Ok, ok, what we actually don’t know is just how much voters will use this as a protest vote, or as a serious vote for who they want to represent them in the EU or just as a nice day out to their local school, scout hut, community centre or portacabin. Sometimes it is just fun putting a cross in a box like your making the most minimalist of treasure maps. But as much as all of this feels inevitable it’s still handy to know exactly how it will all work, or more likely, won’t.

 

 

The EU elections are proportional which doesn’t just mean they give realistic body expectations, but more that the party with the most votes take the first seat, then the second seat is decided by taking the original vote count, then dividing it by the number of seats they have, then adding plus one because you know, they thought they’d make this easy for everyone. So if you’re the big time winning party with seat number one, you get your totals divided by 2, while everyone else gets theirs divided by 1, and so on and so on until there is only one seat left which has to be fought for using their large cutlery implement of choice and while wearing a Victorian hat. No ok, it just keeps dividing and allocating till they’re all gone. This is apparently called the D’Hondt method because its too complicated most elections D’Hondt use it. Ahem. No it is actually named after the Belgian dude what named it, but in the US it’s called the Jefferson method because they bloody well have to remake everything don’t they? Anyway that’s what’s used all over Britain except in Northern Ireland where everyone just votes for who they want in order of preference with a first, second and third preference you know in a way that actually makes sense.

 

There are 73 MEP seats up for grabs in the UK, and each area has between 3 to 10 MEPs depending on how big they are. The areas that is, not the MEPs. If one MEP is over 6 foot or very wide, they don’t just say, well that’s one less seat for you because you’ll need two. It’s not like on airplanes. Where I am, in the big smoke, there’s 8 seats, but in North East England there’s only 3 because crags and hills don’t get a vote which I think is discriminatory especially as they have to suffer the country’s ups and downs like everyone else…no I’m sorry that’s just too shit a gag.

 

The last EU elections were in 2014 and had the amazing turnout of 35.4% which is amazing as it was a whole 0.9% up on the ones before. Yes, it’s amazing how just two years after that people were convinced the EU was undemocratic after likely not taking any part in its democracy. In that one UKIP, then led by everyone’s least favourite suited hagfish Nigel Farage, won with 26.6% of the vote and gaining 24 seats which their MEPs then went on to rarely take unless it was to start fighting each other or to specifically vote against a ban on the sale of elephant ivory. Or against extra funding for various British areas or groups. Because they’re so against the EU, they won’t even take its money unless its for their own personal salaries and pension funds which is totally different obvs. Labour were just behind with 20 seats and 24.4% of the vote, then the Conservatives with 19 seats and sadly the Animal Welfare Party got none because no one cares about the teeny animals no more. But this time? Well the last YouGov poll from April 30th suggests the Brexit Party lead by the same dickhead with a different logo is set to get 34% of the vote which will be….er some seats. D’Hondt even talk about it. Then Labour are on 21%, the Conservatives are in 5th place behind the Lib Dems and the Greens, and all the way down at the bottom is Change UK on 3% even though they’ve just revealed their bus that looks a lot like it has accidentally covered itself in printing error.

 

So who to vote for? Er, that’s up to you. It depends where you are too. I mean in the South West you have the exciting choice of Lord Andrew Adonis who looks like a Kelpian from Star Trek Discovery, yes nerds, that one’s for you, and is generally a hugely irritating twat who seems to change his mind every two minutes on where he stands and in that sense, is totally along Labour’s political lines. Or there’s crumbling verruca with a face Ann Widdicombe for the Brexit Party just incase you’ve given up on humanity entirely. Or for UKIP there’s character from the 1970’s joy of sex books who just stands peering in through the window wanking Carl Benjamin who’s currently under police investigation for threatening to not rape Jess Philips, which is, no I’m not even gonna, look he’s an awful twat ok? Or if none of those tickle your already completely numb and untickle-able parts, there’s amalgamation of Rod, Jane and Freddy Rachel Johson who, is, well a Johnson in all sense of the word and is running for Change UK party. Or Molly Scott Cato for the Greens who’s already an MEP and look, I don’t want to influence your vote but…and don’t quote me on this, she doesn’t seem completely unhinged. But you know, you do you.

 

Checking on whocanIvotefor.co.uk I’ve got loads of fun ones in the London constituency. The Animal Welfare Party has 7, yes, 7 candidates because they are not fucking about. THOSE DOGGOS NEED WELFARE IN THE EUROPES NOW! Then there are 11 independent candidates including Roger Hallam who is a co-founder of Extinction Rebellion and Claudia McDowell who’s a climate and ecological emergency candidate. Or Alan Dennis Kirkby who hasn’t even bothered to load a picture up and when I google him pictures of other MEP candidates come up. Maybe he can emulate all of them and by voting for him, he’ll be the uber MEP with the skills of many? Or he’s lazy and doesn’t deserve a vote because he’s hoping having three names is enough. ITS NOT ALAN! YOU LOSE THIS TIME! YOU LOSE!

 

If you want to vote to stop the Brexit Party, well its proportional representation so you vote for who you want, that isn’t the Brexit Party or you can look and see who has the highest likelihood of getting the most or next most amount of seats in your area and vote for them, but the Brexit Party will probably still get seats because we are in the darkest timeline. If you want to have a laugh? Vote for Change UK so they can at least maybe reach double digits. Of votes I mean. Not seats. Hahahahah definitely not seats. And will any of it make a difference to Brexit? Well if the Brexit Party do storm it, it’s likely Theresa May will say that gives her an even bigger mandate to push for Brexit and will encourage sickface Nigel to run his party in the general elections if they ever happen. And if Remain parties do very well? Then Theresa May will still say she has an even bigger mandate to push for Brexit because that’s the only thing she’s programmed to say and it really doesn’t matter. Most importantly, these people will have to represent us in the EU for some amount of time and it can either be Farage, Ann Widdicome and IRA pal Claire Fox sitting in the corner at Strasborg as everyone wonders why the UK has foregone have MEPs and instead just dressed up some rotting offal and had it delivered?

 

But definitely vote, that’s the most sensible thing to do and then in years to come as the Brexit party rule Britain on a manifesto of absolutely nothing and the UK is now but a feudal system where goods are exchanged for racist jokes or sideways glances, then you’ll say you were there when everyone said ‘Who is Alan Dennis Kirkby?’

 

 

And now, back to Pauline…

 

INTERVIEW PART 2

 

Thanks so much to Pauline for having time to chat to me. You can find Memorial 2007 online at memorial2007.org.uk and on Twitter @memorial2007. There is also a crowdfunder which I’ll pop the link to that in the podcast blurb, as well as the petition calling for parliament to fund it and a call to action for people to join their campaign video shoot on the 18th May if you’re able to help and again I’ll pop the facebook link for that in all places partly political so do check them out and help if you can.

 

The next few weeks of guests are in the bag and I’ll let them out one by one to talk to me before putting them back in and releasing them into the wild afterwards. No, sorry I mean I have interviews arranged for up until June, after which, I’ll need interviewees again. So who do you recommend I chat to? What subjects shall I chat about? Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar, spoiler, not me, I didn’t. So please send answers to all those things, if you have them, baring in mind it definitely wasn’t me that stole the cookies, to @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast Facebook group, the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could indulge in a very extravagant game of Chinese Whispers whereby you tell one person what you want who then passes it to the next and the next. However, as is the ethos of this podcast, I would demand that unless you are making a racially inappropriate statement with that game, you would have to do it in fluent mandarin and a low tone of voice so it was merely a factual title. Though I don’t speak Mandarin so as someone randomly shouted it to me in the street, I’d assume it was for someone else and it’d be an entirely wasted few years of your life apart from the whole learning another language thing which could be handy. It’s probably just easier to email eh?

 

 

END

 

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thanks loads for your precious, precious time and I promise that I now I have I will put it somewhere safe where it won’t get broken and use it when needed perhaps before a deadline or just when crossing the road to upset drivers. Please do donate to the show via the ko-fi or patreon if you can and want to, both of those are important factors and if you don’t want to or can’t then why not review the show for free or advertise to it others via the medium of your mouth or social media accounts or children’s parent teacher night or graffiti on your local bus stop or large tattoo across your exposed midriff?

 

Thankings to Acast for filing this show in its sound library, to my brother The Last Skeptik for all the musical sounds and to Kat Day for typing up the linear liner notes to add to the archive of partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk that some of you look at occasionally. All the links, transcripts of my bits and other things are all there, go see, browse and click to your hearts content. Go, go now. Hurry! Before they take the internets away and we’re reduced to just shouting at the sky.

 

This will be back next week when Nigel Farage will be complaining about the media ignoring him on 15 different channels at once while also somehow being an extra playable character on Fortnite, meanwhile the Change UK party have to wait 6 hours for a repair van to fix their battle bus as everyone thinks it’s a prank call.

 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

This week’s show was sponsored by Matt Hancock’s Snappy Threads. Are you worried you can no longer hang with the kids? Do you think you’re looking more dad than daddio? Well Snappy Threads, the new clothing app from real snazzy hip cat Matt Hancock that really does make them like they used to. Need an unecessarilly tshirt to tuck into those cords and show off your one pack? Snappy Threads got ya back. Worried that you don’t have sandals to wear with your favourite socks? Hancock’s Snappy Threads be here. Matt Hancock’s Snappy Threads available now for reasonable prices because I’m not made of money you know, you’ll understand when you’re older and stop talking back to your mother.

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