Episode 140 – Not much happened over Easter but its ParPolBro duty to look back at them anyway. Plus a look forward at local elections and as there was at least week where nothing changed with Brexit, there’s a Brexit update interview with Jonathan Lis (@jonlis1).
Who Can I Vote For: https://whocanivotefor.co.uk/
Tiernan’s show at Machfest on May 4th: https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2019/tiernan-douieb-tiernan-douieb-takes-up-an-hour-of-your-life-that-youll-never-get-back-work-in-progress/
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Linear liner notes
Not much happened over Easter but its ParPolBro duty to look back at them anyway. Plus a look forward at local elections and as there was at least week where nothing changed with Brexit, there’s a Brexit update interview with Jonathan Lis (@jonlis1).
Links and sources of info from Jonathan’s interview:
All the usual ParPolBro stuff:
Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the podcast that answers your political questions, but usually with political answers which means it just says something that its pre-pared, has on repeat and often doesn’t make sense. This is episode 140, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Conservative ministers say that May has to quit by June, I feel like that this is just further proof of how out of touch with reality they are, as that’s how months are meant to work. Idiots.
Yes it’s been a quiet week for most of British politics as Prime Minister and composite drawing of a sheep moving very fast, a chasm and the notion of emotional numbness Theresa May, spent the Easter recess off on a walking holiday in Wales for the billionth time because hey, it’s not like her to vary her ideas is it? On Sunday May used her Easter message to the nation to stand up for persecuted Christians. Yes, once again she selfishly only thought about herself and her immanent political crucifixion. But it looks like on her return she might face another no confidence challenge, this time from grassroots Conservative campaigners, which sounds like they are just the ones with the biggest gardens but are actually from the local associations. 800 high ranking officers within the party will take the vote, and then no doubt keep her in after realizing that the other possibility is Foreign Secretary and useless rubber skewer Jeremy Hunt who’d probably handle Brexit by falling down the stairs backwards while holding a baguette and announcing that he wasn’t sure if we were in Europe to begin with.
Meanwhile Labour leader and man entirely composed of bits of tissue you might find in a trouser pocket after they’ve been washed Jeremy Corbyn spent his week posing in a canoe on dry land because sometimes the media need a help with this sort of thing and he used his Easter message to ask for a renewed focus on the refugee crisis, saying that Jesus was ostracized, rejected and tortured, which of course was just his experience as a Jewish man in the Labour party.
While the main party leaders were away the rest of the week’s news was a mix of the tragic and trivial. In Northern Ireland it was sadly the former as acclaimed journalist Lyra McKee was murdered by a member of the New IRA while observing riots in Derry the night before the 21st anniversary of the Good Friday agreement. This sad event has shown light on why the Good Friday agreement needs to be upheld but also how helpful it’d be if Northern Ireland had an assembly again even though that’s unlikely to happen because Sinn Fein won’t take part in talks unless areas like same sex marriage are at least discussed and the DUP won’t meet unless areas such as turning Northern Ireland into a Spanish Inquisition theme park are on the table. Probably. At the launch of the DUP’s local government manifesto in Belfast for the elections on May 2nd, DUP leader and woman with resting disgruntled face Arlene Foster told voters that every first preference vote for another unionist party runs the risk of dividing unionism. It does feel like the concept of unionism is somewhat lost if you shouldn’t back anyone who believes in it as they may not want to be in a union with others. We should all be together, except you and you and you. It’s like campaigning for better universal accessibility but with lower ceilings so those shitty tall people can’t get in.
In London the environmental campaigners Extinction Rebellion, who were interviewed on this show last week, shut down the city by staging peaceful protests for climate action now in Oxford Circus, Piccadilly, Marble Arch, Parliament Square and turning Waterloo Bridge into an actual garden bridge with trees and plants, for probably a fraction of the cost of what bloated spleen with eyes Boris Johnson planned to do, though to be fair he’d have blocked traffic much easier just using his ego. More than 1000 people were arrested, with only 40 charged, so it seems insensitive of the police to have wasted so much energy over the week. Many of the complaints against them were about the disruption and delays they caused to services, seemingly forgetting that if the temperature ramps up even more due to inaction, the London underground would be even more delayed if it was entirely flooded and getting to work might be hard if you’re not outside because the air will melt your face. Mayor of London and the before images on a just for men advert shown only on daytime TV Sadiq Khan, sent a message to protestors saying that London must return to business as usual, which feels a bit like telling firefighters to stand down as it’s high time they got out of the way and let the fire get on with it. I mean, how does Khan not understand what protesting means? You can’t protest by letting things just carry on as usual. How effective would that be? A group of people holding placards saying ‘no no don’t mind me’.
Meanwhile preparations for the country’s most expensive team building exercise aka the EU elections are now underway and early polls show that the Brexit Party, led by collapsed sewage jelly Nigel Farage, are set to get the highest percent of votes for their candidates, even though Remain parties collectively will get more but none of those parties want to work together. Have they been taking seminars from the DUP? The Independent Group aka Change UK aka Chukka’s Centrist Mums and Dads aka Vanilla Lib Dems have now been approved by the Electoral Commission for the EU elections, even though it doesn’t look much like they have by the public. They are set to announce their 70 candidates for the EU elections this week and the party’s interim leader and sort of person who attends every school event but only so she can tell people she has, Heidi Allen, said that Change UK are the natural home of the remain alliance. Natural in the way that you know, a natural pine forest scent air freshener is mostly made in a lab with things they spray at mice to make them vomit. This must be a quite a shock to the Lib Dems and the Green Party who are both polling better than Heidi Allen’s One Show Party. Chris Leslie, a man who is naturally camouflaged when amongst corrugated iron or pigeons, said that a pact with the Lib Dems had never been in the agenda which is weird as Change UK don’t really have an agenda yet. Do they? Oh wait, maybe I read it and instantly forgot it.
A questionnaire on the Conservative Home website, a place where you can find all your unfair trade furniture probably, showed that 62% of Conservative members were planning to vote for the Brexit Party in the EU elections, because it turns out being a Tory supporter was just a gateway to the harder more dangerous stuff. On the plus side, OG Brexit Party, UKIP are polling the lowest which may be because they’ve enlisted far right youtubers as their candidates including Count Dankula, who looks like if someone glued pubes to a baby’s head, and is a man mostly known for getting teaching his dog to do Nazi salutes, probably in return for his dog teaching him how to lick his own arse. Also, Carl Benjamin aka Sargon of Akkad, a man who looks like the reanimated corpse of Jeremy Beadle, and is largely known for telling Labour MP and mouth with hair Jess Philips that he wouldn’t even rape her, something he defended as being a joke. UKIP leader and lovechild of Mrs Brown and a fairground waltzer Gerard Batton also defended them as the same. No, no, no, no. A) The whole sentence insinuates he would happily sexually assault someone else, B) it is steeped in misogyny that he assumes his aggressive rejection is an insult when if you look at the haunted John Virgo he is, it’s definitely not and C) If it’s a joke, why is there no obvious punchline, and why at no point did he tell it like he was joking instead of just sort of shouting it like a child who’s upset but doesn’t know how to cry for help any other way?
Disgraced MP Liam the disgrace Fox has warned that these EU elections will lead to 50 disgruntled and resentful MEPs, you know unlike Brexit which will piss off even more of them.
In other news former Labour Leader and shaved withering hyena Tony Blair has popped out of his political coffin to make comments no one asked for again, this time suggesting that the way to combat the far right is to force immigrants to integrate more. Ah yes of course, I hadn’t realized all this racism was fault of immigrants for not adhering to exactly what racists want? Of course, it’s all so clear now, why hasn’t anyone thought of that before? Maybe they could integrate like the Brits do abroad and refuse to learn the language and only ask for dishes they know in restaurants in case they accidentally order something disgusting and local? Maybe they could integrate by seeing all the national museums that keep all their ancestors’ stuff in? Its so stupid and I’m fairly sure first on Tony’s list before his PR intervened was actually to bomb all brown people before they get to the UK to solve the problem even earlier. Or could it be that there aren’t any immigrants to the UK anyway? A channel 4 investigation into Brexit campaign Leave.EU found that they had staged videos of supposed migrants crossing the channel and also attacking young women in London, but it was all set up so the actors and boat in question had never left British waters. I mean that is definitive proof that no one is coming to the UK to take our jobs if you have to hire British people to play immigrants coming to take our jobs.
Crossrail has been delayed till 2021 and Extinction Rebellion didn’t even have to intervene with that one. Looking forward to Sadiq Khan insisting Crossrail return to business as usual soon. The Elizabeth Line, named after the Queen, was due to open in December of last year but now looks set to be 3 years late. Perhaps like its namesake it’s just trying to have two birthdays? Home Secretary and world’s worst Peter Lorre tribute act Sajid Javid made his first major speech on crime and asked for a shift in the government’s mindset in order to tackle knife crime. I’m guessing he means they have to start believing that young people are real people all by themselves and not just potential host bodies for the cabinet once they die. Javid said that he had grown on up on what some tabloids referred to as the most dangerous street in Britain, but other residents on his road all said that was bullshit. I mean this is the man that cancelled his safari because six men turned up in Dover, so chances are when he was a kid, there was one car accident, or someone dropped a bit of litter and he probably tried to have them deported.
In the US, the full Mueller report was released to the public, with large sections redacted. Well either that or Mueller liked to do Mark Rothko style doodles. There’s a lot in the report that’s interesting, especially that the original suggestion that US President and angry pimple Donald Trump was absolved of collusion is not true on account of all the collusion that’s highlighted in it. But one particular highlight or lowlight depending on how you look at it, is on page 78 of volume one where it says, and I quote:
[W]hen Sessions told the president that a Special Counsel had been appointed, the President slumped back in his chair and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked.”
Sadly, as with all things, he was wrong but hey, hopefully that’ll be the phrase inscribed on his presidential grave if he isn’t just thrown into a quarry somewhere. Speaking of clowns running things, Volodymr Zelensky won a landslide victory in the Ukrainian elections and is now set to be President, with most media outlets referring to him as a comedian with no political experience. Which is incorrect because he a) isn’t a comedian he’s a comedy actor and b) he’s played a character who accidentally becomes president and we all know that’s enough. I mean if you’ve had an accident and one of the cast members from Casualty walks past …they’d at least be able to call an ambulance and sound like they really need it to arrive quickly. So Zelensky should at least be able to make it look like he knows what he’s doing, provided he learns his lines. In 2019, I’m not sure you can ask for anything more.
And lastly Shadow Home Secretary and woman who always asks to have her hair cut in the style of a medieval helmet Diane Abbott was photographed on the London Overground drinking a can of M&S mojito, despite a TFL ban on alcohol which was introduced back in 2008. While this was a total non-story, Abbott apologized which is baffling as this sort of thing just shows absolute solidarity with the public who feel like they should be drinking at all times in order to make it through the year. M&S have since sold out of mojito cans as people have bought them in solidarity and already Labour are actively helping restore the high street. If only another of their MPs could strip off in the park violating decency laws, before popping on some Next gear or Gap khakis, followed by say, another graffitiing a wall using only paints from Homebase and I reckon they’ll fix the economy within weeks.
Did you have a lovely zombie Jesus weekend? I hope you did. Though I hope you also remembered that even though eating chocolate eggs is fun, the chocolate chicken population declines by over 200% at this time of year so make sure for everyone you eat you plant a flake in the ground to make up for it. I can’t believe how sunny it’s been though I am now largely of the mindset to just see it as enjoying the planet dying, which is miserable isn’t it? Easter weekend is meant to be endless rain so you spend four days indoors drinking enough to die then come back again and start over. How on point was last week’s interview by the way? I had no idea I’d speak to Clare at Extinction Rebellion before they made such an impact which was great. I sadly didn’t get to see any of it which was a shame as I’d have really liked to have gone especially to Waterloo Bridge, it looked brilliant. I spent my weekend fighting with IKEA furniture as we had several bits home delivered because we were sick of fighting in public. I’m pretty sure they should just add to each of their always vague instruction manuals a point where you’ll definitely be swearing more than during the other bits, just so you can get some good ones prepped. Still it’s all done now and I now have one broken wardrobe when I didn’t used to have any, so I think that’s a win. I think. I also now have a desk which this podcast is being recorded on and I hope you can tell just how much more professional it obviously is. No? You mean I called a plank of MDF a piece of galactic piss for nothing? Great, just great. Of course now Volodymr Zelensky is Ukrainan President I’ll be avoiding all normal people duties like furniture smashing in order to focus on where I might be able to run for President. I’d prefer a country where it’s more of a ceremonial role but I’m happy to try anywhere that’d be happy to elect someone who’ll mostly spend his tenure hiding in a cupboard tweeting. Sound like it’d work for you wherever you are? Let me know and I’ll get a campaign together. Or just hide in a cupboard tweeting a lot.
Thanks again for letting your ears visit this show and this week I’d like thank Joanna for joining the Patreon and to Rob for the ko-fi both of which are hugely appreciated and if you want to contribute to my caffeine needs or, actually this week, I’ve even had a shandy. I know right? Don’t tell my mum. Then you can donate to ko-fi.com/parpolbro or patreon.com/parpolbro and lend a helping grand. See what I did there? Tried some of that Derren Brown stuff on you. I look forward to you leaving all your life savings to this show in your will and then me getting upset when it turns out only the audio podcast itself can claim it which won’t make sense and will be impossible. Obvs if you can’t donate then give the show a review on the pod apps or even just recommend it to someone you know or are vaguely aware of.
ADMIN ADMIN ADMIN! This week our kids politics show ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ that I do with Tatton Spiller from Simple Politics that’s at the Lincoln Drill Hall on Saturday at 2pm and is suitable for ages 7+ and families. Then the following Saturday I’m at Machfest in lovely Machnylleth in deepest Wales, doing a work in progress show at 2pm and is definitely not suitable for children despite being on at exactly the same time as the kids show the week before. If you’re at that festival or live in deepest Wales, please come along as I keep forgetting to plug it and it’d be nice to sell at least a ticket. Just one, then I can skip the show and we can have an in-depth chat about the best things to shout at IKEA furniture you’ve just broken. The wardrobe was called a Kvinke, so I kept saying Kvanker. Good huh? I know right? Sorry, I mean the link for those tickets is at machcomedyfest.co.uk and I’ll pop it in the podcast info bit too.
On this week’s show I will not be talking about Sri Lanka as its too sad and even contemplating writing jokes on it made me feel like a terrible person. However there is a look at the local elections on May 2nd and where and when and who and why they’ll be happening and I also speak to EU policy expert Jonathan Lis about where we are with Brexit now that we have temporary breathing time in order to actually work it all out. And because not a lot else was happening and I want to watch Game of Thrones before Twitter ruins it, let’s crack straight into that then shall we?
INTERVIEW WITH JONATHAN / BREXIT FALLOUT
Look I know you’ve probably been happily avoiding Brexit for the past two weeks, feeling like that particularly boring yet scary wolf isn’t returning to the door for at least 6 months and you’ve probably been nostalgically remembering all other the bits and pieces that exist within politics and jovially discussing them with loved ones. You know there’s a porn ban coming in in July that most teenagers already know how to dodge? Ha! Who was it designed for? Damien Green! And then you’d both laugh and sup on an ice-cold cup of fizzy Bovril. Well hey you! I’m here to pop that goddamn bubble with a particularly blunt, er, bubble popping device. You see, having a slight break from Brexit means that this, the here and now, is perfect time to ask someone who knows all about it to talk all about it before it all changes and goes out of date again despite being essentially the same thing again and again for the rest of our lives. So this week’s Brexit Fallout is also the interview and vice-versa as I managed to speak to Jonathan Lis on the one week where he wasn’t in demand talking to everyone else about Brexit and I still made him talk about it because there is no escape and that’s all there is so try enjoying your fizzy Bovril now eh?
Jonathan Lis is head of policy at British Influence, part of the Influence Group, a consultancy service that helps businesses access the EU and UK markets, and so, he needs to know a lot about both of those things. Jonathan previously worked as a senior assistant to Charles Tannock, a Conservative MEP who was the coordinator on foreign affairs and human rights in the European parliament. Yes, I know, Conservative MEP, but you might remember that Tannock was the man who said that with what has happened after the referendum that he was quite ashamed to be British in many ways and that no scenario we now have will be worse than staying in the EU. So, there you go. Anyway, Jonathan is a) great on Twitter and b) has written some good bits for sites such as politics.co.uk as well so it was great that he had time to chat. Hope you enjoy, here’s Jonathan:
INTERVIEW WITH JONATHAN PART 1
LOCAL ELECTIONS MAY 2nd
You know what’s happening on May 2nd? Well yes it is the anniversary of the Dos De Mayo Uprising but that wasn’t what I was… Yes it is also Indonesia National Education Day which I’m sure is very important but… Oh its the Rock’s 47th birthday? Well ok. Maybe that’s what we should focus on then because I’d love to know what he’s cooking on that day though I’m reckoning it’s a massive cake and probably a yak or something….Argh, stop distracting me. Of course, it’s the UK local elections where 248 English local councils, six English mayors, 11 local councils in Northern Ireland and just to mix it up, 39 by-elections for local authority seats. Obvs that’s not everywhere because there were local elections last year and it’d be silly to do those all over again when those councilors have only just got that nice bum indent in their seats, and then there are places like Cornwall that seem to have their own weird thing going on where they won’t be having another local election till 2021 because they just like being difficult. Oh look at us with our picturesque coastline, maybe we’ll elect our councilors whenever we get round to it and run out of sipping this tasty beverage on our sun loungers. Yeah alright Cornwall. Don’t rub it in.
So the places that are having them are….hahaha I’m not going to read them all out, there are loads. But that loads does include Test Valley which I have a feeling is a simulation and it’s currently a Conservative run council so if you are one of the AI people or perhaps real people with an avatar that live there, maybe vote them out for a younger bunch who’ll be able to understand how to defeat whatever the next threat will be. Minotaurs? Bees? Maybe it’s just a Sims type thing and so go for whoever will make sure you have toilets in your homes and don’t just have to poo on the floor before getting sad. But hopefully you will have registered to vote in your area if you’re having one and even if you’re not, registered just incase you are but you aren’t sure and hey you’ll need it for the EU elections anyway.
So, why’s this one important? Well firstly, as with all local elections, THE BINS! Councils are more and more deprived of funds, leading them to sell off assets in order to pay for staff redundancies, and petty fines having a huge increase in income for them. Nearly 10,000 were issued alone last year, with 60% of those being in Bedford, Peterborough, Hillingdon and Waltham Forest, the first two being up for grabs in just over a week. So if you don’t want to get a Public Spaces Protection Order for putting up an A-frame sandwich board, or school drop offs, or fireworks – oh no wait, I’m down with that last one – then check your candidates and question them and see who might put a stop to it. Apart from the fireworks bit of course. Fuck those whirly hot window breaking bastards. But the cuts and lack of money mean council tax is rising and areas like social care or children’s care are being hit. So look at cities like Preston where the council operate on what’s known as guerilla localism, which sounds a lot like they get large apes to sort shit out round the area, I mean, I reckon they’d deal with knife crime in minutes, but it’s actually about localizing services, cutting outsourcing and keeping money in the city so they can use more of it. There may well be councilor candidates in your area with similar innovative plans.
There’s obviously local issues but this time round, it’s also one of them that’s got a bit more meaning on account of it looking like the Tories may be wiped out in a number of places due to, of course, Brexit. Council leaders in places such as Southend-on-Sea and Peterborough are preparing for massive losses, and we’ll have to see what happens in Leave areas too. In Winchester for example, it’s a Conservative council by one seat, but Winchester voted to Remain by 60-40 split, so if residents go for national rather than local issues, it could be a Lib Dem win. Labour could also benefit from Tory losses, but sadly so could UKIP, especially as the Brexit party aren’t running for local elections what with them being a one issue party and probably not knowing what bins are as Annuziata Rees Mogg probably has a butler that she hands things to for him to throw at poor people nearby. The Lib Dems could also do well but I mean, will anyone notice if they do or will everyone just remember that there were once councils seats there but now they can’t quite recall. The Conservatives have candidates in 96% of the seats, Labour in 77% which is an increase apparently, Lib Dems in 53, also an increase, Greens in 30 and UKIP in 16. So if you add all those numbers up, it doesn’t really make sense because that’s not how it’s meant to work, but no one party can challenge the Tories in every seat they’re up for so fingers crossed they get taken down by some independents, freak weather or lots of cock drawings on ballots. Please note, that wouldn’t actually count and if anything, may just been seen as support for a UKIP candidate. There are also 1700 independent candidates some of who are part of a local group which makes the independent bit confusing, but it can be the best way to get people who will actually tackle local issues. LIKE THE BINS. I mean who knows the bins better than people that have to put them out once a week in the same area? Ok maybe foxes but its hard to persuade one of them to run, especially in very Conservative rural constituencies.
There’s quite a few places that are really close between Labour and the Conservatives such as Carlisle and Brighton, Dudley only just has a Labour majority at the moment so that could change either way, and they could also gain Derby, Redcar, Cleveland, Trafford, and Calderdale with just a few votes. Tories only need one extra seat in Scarborough and Teignbridge to win overall control, Lib Dems are set to do well in Bath and the Greens are putting a lot of bets on Stratford Upon Avon. But as always, who really knows how many will turn up to vote, how many will put national issues like Brexit over and above the bins? Will this mean things about the rest of politics? Will it all just be a one-off and just mean things about this one election? Will it be a good warm up for the EU elections and possibly a snap one? Well that I can answer. Yes, it will. Why not get drawing practice crosses on a small noughts and crosses grid, amateur pirate maps or any unmarked leftover Easter buns you have lying round, just so you’re ready? Oh and if you live in the area of Market Deeping, do vote for regular listener to this show Ashley Baxter, an independent candidate and current council who definitely deserves a vote.
And now back to Jonathan….
INTERVIEW WITH JONATHAN PART 2
Thanks so much to Jonathan for having time in his one week where he absolutely didn’t have to talk about Brexit, to talk to me about Brexit. It’s so very appreciated. Jonathan can be found on Twitter @jonlis1 and British Influence where he works can be found @britinfluence on Twitter or on their website influencegroup.org.uk.
I don’t have an interviewee for next week and only very limited time to interview one or for any future episodes, so I need your suggestions for who to talk to and what to talk to them about. I mean obviously it should be a political subject and preferably one I haven’t covered before or for a while, but look, if it all goes wrong, I’ll even take a non-political subject. Like biscuits. Wait, you could totally make biscuits political right? I mean aside from food shortages or Corbyn saying in 2016 that he likes shortbread but is anti-sugar which is very him on so many levels. I mean, that’s the biscuit version of saying he voted remain but pushing for a Labour Brexit. David Cameron said his favourite biscuits in 2009 were oatcakes with butter and cheese, again indicative of a man who pretended to care about Scotland but in reality never paid enough attention to them to even care that oatcakes are a type of flatbread similar to a biscuit but not the same. I can’t seem to find what May’s favourite type of biscuit is but I bet she her own recipe for biscuits that taste awful but she won’t offer any alternatives to guests. Anyway, sorry, what I meant is, get in touch via @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook, the contact page on partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Or you could insert it into a message to fit the religious holiday of your choice and when it rolls around I’ll generally ignore it because I’ll be too busy eating chocolate versions of cute animals and feeling sick while several billion people tell you that you’ve ruined the true meaning of something that probably never had a true meaning in the first place. While they eat chocolate chinchillas or chocolate baby otters. It’s probably just best to email.
And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thank you, no seriously thank you, no, no thank you, no really, please stop, it’s my honour, no thank you. Thank you. But thank you though. Yes. I win, ha. Thank you for listening to this weekly nonsense and if you do enjoy it then please do give it a review, donate to the ko-fi or Patreon or just tell the world about it, preferably online, or by snail mail or even just hand deliver notes round your area. Trust me, you’ll be more welcome than Jehovah’s Witnesses or those people who really insist you might need a man with a van, as though they saw you carry that very full tarpaulin back to your house. Sure, that was how the wind made it look, JUST LIKE IT HAD A FOOT. SURE, BUDDY SURE.
Thanks muchly to Acast for bolstering this show in its audio structure, to my brother The Last Skeptik for all the beats, and to Kat Day for typing up all the linear liner notes.
This will be back next week when Theresa May faces down the grassroots Conservatives but has to face a challenge from the various small Conservative animal groups such as the , followed by Tory insects and money spiders, until a group of right wing bacteria manage to remove her from Number 10, but only by making her sneeze herself backwards out of the door as she’s walking in.
This week’s show was sponsored by cans of weak cocktails on the transport system because how else are you meant to cope with all of this endless, relentless shit?