Episode 128 – It is taking ages for nothing to happen, so this week Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) looks at amendments up to his ears, the Tenant’s Bill, the new teacher recruitment scheme and Proxy Voting. Oh and there is no guest this week because of evil lurgy that made them sick so the interview couldn’t happen. BOOOO TO LURGY.
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Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the podcast that takes a look at current politics and laughs, but you know, in that delirious, maniacal way as you’re topless, screaming into a raining sky because you’ve completely lost your mind after listening to man whose own face is tired of him, John Humphreys, tell a Today program guest that actually the solution would just be for EU countries to get over themselves and join a new British Empire where we can enslave them to make us all egg and chips instead of pushing all that funny tasting stuff at us. This is episode 128, I’m Tiernan Douieb and as its revealed that martial law is a possibility if we have a No Deal Brexit. Hey that’s not too bad, I mean at least if the military are running things, it’ll be the first time in ages those in charge have any sort of intelligence.
Whitehall planners are looking at ways to deter civil disobedience after the UK collapses wheezing and clutching its chest out of the EU, forgetting that without the food or medicine supplies everyone will be too tired to protest anyway. As well as martial law, officials are looking at the disruption caused by volcanic ash eruption in Iceland in 2010, which is also fitting in that because of a lack of warning everything was covered in burnt remnants of a huge shifting divide. The only difference being if the UK government had to work together to avoid a volcanic disaster, they’d keep insisting it was up to the volcano to deal with it while the opposition told them that unless they took unstoppable natural disasters off the table they’d not talk, only for everyone to still be discussing having a discussion about it as they’re whisked off in a river of lava.
If Brexit dies, I’m sure it’s gravestone will just say ‘it took ages for nothing to happen’ as the biggest stories last week about the UK’s current crisis don’t involve politicians at all. One was that the Queen commented on it, which is a rarity as the effort the palace have to take removing her from cryo is usually not worth it. But I guess her Maj is now an expert on these things considering she’s spent the past week dealing with a privileged idiot who likes to blindly drive headfirst into a crash with no consideration of others. All she really did was urge Britons to find a common ground, though using terms like that the Conservatives will never get on board unless they’re allowed to use that common ground to build luxury flats.
The head of Airbus, German business executive Tom Enders said the government’s handling of Brexit was a disgrace and warned that his company could quit the UK if there’s a no deal scenario, which could costs hundreds of thousands of jobs. Yeah well more fool him as who needs aerospace products when you’re already at ground zero with nothing taking off for years. It wasn’t long before a Tory Brexiteer had the brain fail to counter this though, with MP and what if someone punched eyes into a potato Mark Francois saying that his father was D-Day veteran and never submitted to bullying by any German and neither will his son. Well fingers crossed him and his pointlessly xenophobic views leave the UK asap in protest now our mostly German Queen has spoken out on Brexit too. Food retailers have also spoken out against a no deal, saying it will leave shelves empty. Which I assume is a bad thing but having recently watched the Marie Kondo program, I’m thinking that as long as what’s left on them sparks joy, we should be ok.
Politician wise, they’re all gearing up for the vote on amendments to May’s first plan poorly disguised as a second. So far there are so many amendments tabled, that Labour leader and winner of Uncle Bulgaria cosplay Jeremy Corbyn probably won’t be able to see if No Deal has been taken off or if it’s just had other things piled on top of it. If all these amendments go through, which they won’t, it will be a completely different deal like May was meant to come up with. It’ll have had so many drastic changes, and look so different, it’ll be the Michael Jackson of policies and similarly, whatever happens, in years to come it’ll emerge just how everyone should’ve heeded earlier warnings about how it’ll hurt future generations and stopped it from carrying on at all. Labour are pushing for a Norway++ Brexit with their amendment, or as I like to call it, a Swedish Brexit. Tee hee, that joke was just to annoy any Norwegians listening. Skol! But Remainer Conservative MPs Sarah ‘I’m against everything my party do except just not right now because I have to wash my hair’ Wollaston, Heidi ‘ They are awful, what they’re behind me? Oh no I mean they’re wonderful’ Allen and Anna ‘Rebel without a pulse’ Soubry, have all said they won’t back the Labour amendment because while they do want to stop Brexit, but in the most non-boat rocking way possible. I’m amazed they haven’t put in an amendment to stop Brexit by very quietly tip-toeing away from it at night while whispering sorry, sorry, sorry then in the morning blaming it all on someone else.
Cross party MPs including Wollaston and MP Chukka ‘entirely frictionless like a greased seal ‘ Umunna, dropped the amendment for a people’s vote after saying that it would fail without Jeremy Corbyn’s support which they’ve tried really hard to get by telling everyone how awful they think he is for the past two years. Oh wait, maybe they were negging him all along and he’s too old school to understand? All the Brexiteers are hoping that Prime Minister and misery scented candle Theresa May will get concessions from the EU on the backstop, you know, the thing the UK government added because they still don’t have any other ideas of how to solve the Irish border issue that they also created in the first place. Ex-foreign secretary and old sleeping bag stuffed with semolina Boris Johnson has said that winning a freedom clause would be unadulterated good Brexit news, even though he probably doesn’t have much authority on matters of unadultery. I have no idea what a freedom clause is either, as I’m pretty sure he’s made it up, but I do hope his soon to be ex-wife has one. Similarly, ruffled toothbrush Jacob Rees-Mogg said Brexiteers will back May if the backstop goes. Except if it does, the EU won’t agree to it. Ireland have already said there will be no changes to the backstop position, which Health Secretary and bewildered gopher Matt Hancock said was a ‘negotiating position’ in the same way lying down in front of a bulldozer whose driver can’t see you is a negotiating position, or knowing which camera to look to as you’re about to be executed on a live video is a negotiating position. President of the European Commission and turtle with hair Jean Claude Juncker has told May that if the backstop is revisited then she’ll have to accept a permanent customs union with the EU, which is what Labour are demanding anyway. But that will make Brexiteers tantrum so hard their nanny will have to intervene.
So, it’s still either a deal the EU likes but parliament doesn’t, or one parliament likes but the EU doesn’t. Well the EU except Poland where Prime Minister and definite serial killer Mateusz Morawiecki is asking for the UK to give them their people back, seemingly hoping for a no deal so that Polish people return home instead of enjoying all the austerity and prejudice here. Don’t hold your breath Mateusz but I’m pretty sure your folks will be heading home soon, along with a ton of British workers desperate to take tea breaks for a competitive wage. Meanwhile a BBC2 program called Inside Europe has shown an interview with President Of The European Council and Ernest Borgnine reincarnation Donald Tusk saying that former Prime Minister and happy slapped tube snake David Cameron thought he’d never have to hold a referendum on the EU, as he assumed the Conservatives wouldn’t win a majority in 2015 and he’d still be in a coalition with the Lib Dems who would block it. I hope Nick ‘You’d only notice me if I made a noise’ Clegg adds ‘so unlikeable I caused Brexit’ to his facebook status.
Home Secretary and toe with a face Sajid Javid has told berry farmers concerned they’ll have no one to pick their crop, that the government are piloting a scheme to bring in workers from outside the EU. This is the best news for racists I’ve heard in ages. Vote to stop freedom of movement, get workers in from places that aren’t anywhere near as white. I hope they love that as much as I do. I wish Brexit had been marketed like that. Plastered across the side of the bus ‘Vote Leave to make the UK a more accepting, multicultural society’. I’m sure it’d still have got all those UKIP votes.
In non-Brexit news, Former First Minister and current amphibian Alex Salmond has been arrested and charged, no not for holding a tiny Ed Miliband hostage in his pocket all these years, though it was a concern. But instead for sexual assault and attempted rape charges, which he denies. Obviously as this case is currently in court I am unable to comment on it much, though I will say he is a man who should really know the difference between yes and no.
Matt Hancock has said that social media firms could be banned from the UK if they fail to remove harmful content, but he hasn’t suggested what political groups do with all that extra campaign money they’ll have if they stop using it for Facebook adverts. Chief Secretary to the Treasury and annual Darwin award contender Liz Truss is calling for greater investment in superfast broadband and new houses to woo younger people to vote Conservative. Great work Liz, that way millennials can sit at home and look online at pictures of all the food and jobs in Europe that they can’t get thanks to your party. Labour have once again been accused of anti-Semitism and I’m starting to wonder if maybe they should just own it and make it their brand. Hey, it worked for UKIP. This time Scottish Labour councilor, former MP and what if they reused the broken mold after making Andrew Neil, Jim Sheridan, was reinstated into the Labour party after an investigation into his comments about no longer respecting the Jewish community found that he should remain in the party. Again, branding people, branding. Conservative MP and Jeremy Freedman on the Simpson, Paul Masterton said it was an appalling decision by Labour. He’s right, if they’d been smart like the Conservatives, they’d have just unapologetically brought him back in time to help win a no confidence vote like the Tories would.
Across the pond US President and unerupted tooth in a suit Donald Trump has had to cave in on the longest government shutdown on record, caused by the Democrats refusing to fund his stupid wall and him having a tantrum about it. I mean, he’s meant to be a successful estate business man, yet he can’t even build one wall. That’s not how success stories go. You don’t hear that it took Steve Jobs 35 days to put a USB stick in the right way round. Meanwhile in Venezuela, Trump backed Juan ‘mouth from Attack On Titan’ Guaido has declared himself interim president after protests against the draconian ruling measures of the worst Mario brother President Nicholas Maduro. The two are now facing off but with Maduro being hugely unpopular, you know, due to the famine and complete decimation of the economy, and imprisoning of any press, and etc etc, and Guaido being backed by the US, Europe, Britain and Israel among others, it looks like the match won’t last long. Still removing a terrible leader then replacing them with one heartily backed by Trump doesn’t feel like a great plan. It’s like getting rid of the dangerous mold on your walls by covering it in asbestos.
New Question Time presenter Fiona Bruce has been criticized for doing a warm up pre-show where she mocked Shadow Home Secretary Diane ‘It’s the effort that counts right’ Abbot, causing the audience to act hostile towards her during the program. I do warm up a fair bit and you’re not meant to mock the people onstage Fiona. What you should be doing is pointing at the front row and shouting ‘oi you gammon twat, where did you get that shirt from? Was it from a shop that won’t have any stock during a no deal and then we’ll have to see your pasty uncooked dough flesh as you walk around cold because you don’t understand things? Now give it up for our panel!’ I’ll totally do it. And one of the many former Brexit Secretaries and man who looks like he’s always losing a fight against a weak hair dryer David Davis, has been given a £3000 per hour job as an external adviser to Brexit supporting digger manufacturers JCB. Which is an odd choice considering none of his advice has worked for the last two years, and he’s probably the least constructive person in the UK. Then again he is extremely good at digging large holes that he’s unable to get out of so it could be perfect.
Hey hey hey, podchamps and sorry if any of you suffer from hayfever. How are you? Yes, again, all the political happenings or possibly still non-happenings are going on hours after this show will come out but you know, it’s important that I release this week’s show so you can catch up on all the delusional jingoistic non-sensical rhetoric that was made by idiots over the last week insisting that Britain deserves a good deal from the EU as though we’ve earned it through all the good Samaritan work we’ve been doing over the past few hundred years, you know by ignoring refugees, enforced colonization, enforced famines, illegal wars, selling arms to others doing illegal wars, slavery, and making people watch James Corden. I mean John Humphreys openly asked an Irish politician on Radio 4 why Ireland doesn’t just leave the EU and join the UK, as though he’s never read a thing ever. And on Peston on ITV, trodden on bowl of cellulite Nigel Farage said that a pro-Brexit result of a second referendum would be the biggest Anglo-Saxon two fingers up in history and no one, no one, pointed out to him that the Anglo-Saxons were from Germanic tribes. I do wonder if we’re secretly hoping to export top class stupidity to keep us alive. I’m personally feeling a very odd mix of wants at the moment where I do want the UK to avoid a horrific catastrophic crash out, especially being diabetic and really needing insulin, but I also kind of want those who think it won’t happen to have to deal with it if it does. Saying that, it’s pretty hard to shout I told you so, while you’re too hungry to speak isn’t it? It’s the same as the whole climate change thing. I’ve been driven to kind of want climate change deniers to suffer in some sort of terrible fire tsunami just so we can all go ‘nah nah nah nah nah nah aaayeeeyayayay you’re drowning but also on fire’. But thing is, we’ll probably all be having too shit a time to do that. Still, its nearly pancake day eh, so every cloud.
That was a bleak ramble wasn’t it? Sorry, this podcast is being recorded after a weekend of no sleep due to my daughter having chicken pox, which is a grim illness and of course a gateway disease to bird flu. Ha! That is a joke based on no science. But yes, me and my wife have been suffering delirious tiredness, due to hourly wake ups of covering my daughter in a pox fighting foam. On the plus side, I can now imagine what a Roy Lichenstein portrait of her would look like, so that’s that box ticked. But yes, tiredness, a complete lack of anything actually happening and this week’s guest cancelling last minute due to sickness, means this week’s podcast is a mini-one, with the promise that if all kicks off with Plan B, I’ll do an extra add on later this week.
Thanks again for listening though and to all of you who tweeted and Facebooked about last week’s episodes with lovely comments about the interview with Charlotte Hughes. That sort of social spreading really helps the show get new listeners. Social spreading? That sounds very wrong. Anyway, if you can tell people about it, that’s wunderbar, if you can review the show on podcast apps that you use or any you might abuse or er…schmooze, then do that too and thanks to whoever added a 5 star to iTunes this week. Much appreciated. And if you can afford to, please donate to the patreon.com/parpolbro account or to ko-fi.com/parpolbro which I thought I had left as coffees, but I’ve changed it to stiff drinks to cope with all the politics. That’s how tired I am, I had forgotten I’d changed my coffee to spirits. I mean, that does explain a lot.
Two admin bits this week. One is that the kids politics show that I do with many time podcast Tatton Spiller from Simple Politics, is touring again as of Feb, with shows in, DEEP INHALE BREATH, The Place, Bedford on 13th February, GLive Guildford 16th February, Lighthouse Poole 22nd February, Gulbenkian Canterbury 23rd February, Watermans Arts Centre in Brentford 10th March, Pound Arts Centre in Corsham on 30th March ie Brexit Day so that’ll be an interesting one, and the Drill Hall Lincoln on 27th April. It’s suitable for children aged 6+ and families and Tatton does very clever explaining in a fun way while I break it up with stupid jokes about cats. You can grab tickets and exact times on the websites of those venues, you know, because that’s how it works in this future we’re in. Please come along. Then for grown up types, I’m doing a work in progress show at the Leicester Comedy Festival on February 10th at the Queen Of Bradgate and tickets are only £5 because, er, calling it a work in progress is probably a bit steep. It’s really going to be new gags, odd thoughts and things that may be funny in a few years if I work on them and get to sleep again. You can get tickets on the Leicester Comedy Festival website.
So yep, no interview, just stinky old me with my stupid voice this week, but I am going to take a quick look at the tenant’s bill that was passed last week, and there is of course a teeny weeny bit of this:
This is a bit pointless this week, much like, you know, every week of our lives. Yes, this is where I am now. Brexit has made me realise my political leanings are now somewhere along the lines of optimistic nihilist. But there are two Brexit sections, or Brextions, this week. The first is a little fun return to this jingle:
WHO THIS WEEK DO YOU THINK IS IT?
Everyone! It’s pretty much everyone. Sony are moving their Europe headquarters to the Netherlands, and you know they know when things sound bad. P&O ferries are re-registering all ferries on the channel to be under the Cyprus flag, yes things are so concerning they have more faith in a country that’s divided by a military zone. Dyson is moving it’s HQ to Singapore which yes, is a move that’s been planned for a while, and Brexit supporter and chief sucker James Dyson promises it’s not to do with Brexit, but to make them futureproof. Sure. But if that’s not a damning indication that the UK insists on being stuck in the past, I don’t know what is. It is also convenient for Dyson that Singapore recently signed a trade deal with the EU which we may not, and Singapore is pretty chill about tax evasion so no wonder they’ve gone there to clean up. And, of course, Airbus say they’ll go if it’s going to be a no deal.
As Boris Johnson exclaimed last year, fuck business, which is either his term for where he goes on weekends, or the Conservatives, supposedly the party of capital and corporations, are putting a pipe dream first. This explains why several big Conservative donors are staying away from the big black and white ball the party do to raise funds in February. It’s so called because the values expressed during the evening are from before Colour TV was a thing. But groups like the Midlands Industrial Council are refusing to take part, because they say there is no clarity on what is going to happen. Last year they donated £5m and they aren’t the only ones not bothering anymore. So either the party have to work out how to make Brexit work for those that feed them, or fuck business may also be the name of their next, pretty grim, fundraiser.
The other thing is that on Tuesday which may or may not have happened by the time you hear this, because that’s how time works, MPs will be voting for amendments on May’s Exactly The Same As Last Time Deal. So far, these amendments are:
So as you can see, there’s tons of agreement across the board and I’m sure they’ll all come to one unified conclusion. Or start a massive bar brawl and hit each other with a golden sceptre until only one remains. Or leaves, depending on who it is. Obvs.
Tonight though, Parliament are voting on the 2nd reading of the immigration bill, which is Javid’s long awaited and then quickly rubbished new immigration policy to follow after Brexit that mostly involves non-British citizens to have to earn a certain amount of money in order to stay, even though most Brits don’t earn the so far suggested salary thresholds. Plus there is the whole EU citizen settled status nonsense that May has scrapped the fees for but only for those applying during the pilot scheme then after that you have to pay for the privilege of living in a country where the government wants you to be as unwelcome as possible. Harriet Harman is proposing an amendment on indefinite detentions which hopefully will go through. There’s already a lot of criticism online as to why Labour won’t use a three line whip on this week’s reading, which makes it compulsory for their MPs to vote on a bill. Yes it would be good to challenge the Tories asap on that, but in a week where MPs are having to be present a lot, this bill will go to a committee stage where amendments can be proposed, then a third reading where amendments will be voted on, then have up to possibly 7 debates before a final vote. So perhaps they’re saving the assemble call until all the crew are needed. I dunno about you but I’d be vexed if they’re like ‘come down now bro, let’s shank this bill’ then a month later I’d have to do it all over again and then again and again, whereas I could’ve just slide up to the last one and blaw, nailed it. Yeah? No. Ok.
There are several other interesting bills going through parliament at the moment, including the debate on proxy voting for MPs who are on parental leave. It’s for a trial year of that so afterwards, if successful, maybe it’ll be allowed for those who are ill or I dunno, like Sajid Javid was, on safari, like Corbyn present but not involved, or Boris when it comes to Heathrow’s third runway, mysteriously absent which is the only time that wasn’t a good thing. If this was agreed, MPs who are away with babbies with chicken pox and haven’t slept for days and keep doing weird things like putting a fork in the fridge and some mayonnaise in the sink, sorry, will be able to ask another MP to vote for them. I think this is a great idea, though I get the feeling that the Conservatives will try to push for it in future to apply for people who can’t be bothered and regularly Amber Rudd will have to fill in 317 votes.
There’s also been a lot of discussion about the government’s new education and recruitment strategy which largely seems to revolve around giving teachers wodges of cash to ensure they don’t leave. The Department Of Education are suggesting £5000 for teachers third and fifth years in the classrooms on top of the £20k bursary they already receive. It’s less an incentive and more a desperate plea. More pay for teachers is definitely a good thing, its an important job. And actually on the surface of Education Secretary and man who’s always just lost a bare-knuckle fight Damien Hinds’s ideas are good, in theory. More support in training for young teachers, a reduced timetable for new teachers and a reduction in paperwork. For them, not the pupils obvs. That’d be a bit counter-productive. Alright kids, put down your pens, to save everyone time and resources, let’s spend the next 30 minutes spitting at things! But teacher recruitment targets have been missed by the government for six years in a row, the number of secondary school pupils will have risen 15% by 2025 and schools are still so badly underfunded that headteachers are having to ask parents to stump up for pencils. Plus previous evidence shows that the previously trainees have taken the tax free lump sum bursaries of £20-26000 and then quit teaching a year later, so this could just mean they quit after 3 years instead. I mean I’m sure the incentive for teaching was that it was a respected, decently paid job and you cared about the futures of children. Now it seems to be ‘well this is awful and the school’s falling apart but if I can hack another 6 months of these shitty brats then I can go to Antigua.’ ‘Do you remember your favourite teacher? Yeah Mr Stevens because he spent every lesson buying things on Amazon while we all pissed about. Legend’. Still it’ll be nice to hear people say ‘oh teaching? Yeah I did it for the money’ for the first time ever.
And last week the tenant’s bill was passed meaning it’ll become law this summer, you know, just a few months after I have to move flat. THANKS EVERYONE, COULD YOU WORK A BIT QUICKER NEXT TIME? Anyway, after June 1st, there will now be pretty strict limits on all those mad fees that estate agents charge where they go ‘hey I photocopied one thing so that’s £400 per tenant because what if I accidentally get radiation poisoning from the Xerox?’, then there’s a five week limit to the amount of security deposit landlords can take because seriously how secure do they have to be? And rent bosses will no longer be able to credit check potential tenants either. Even though I have great credit and now I’ll be quite sad no one will look at it. I’ll have to start showing it to people on the bus. Actually that’s not true. I have no idea how it is and I once got told that by checking it, you can lower it and I’m sure that’s not true but I’m too scared to try. The tenant’s bill is much needed as unnecessary fees were costing a minimum of £272 per person, and that plus ever rising costs were hitting the housing market and in particular young people who can’t afford to buy because that whole area is even more stupider. Policies like this bill haven’t been able to pass previously as one in 5 MPs is a landlord, including Theresa May. Can you imagine that conversation? She storms in and shouts rent means rent, before demanding that you stockpile deposits in case of a No Deal? Weird red lines drawn all over the walls that she won’t move? But it passed through the Lords and the Commons and will now be law, so the question is, what will estate agents do now they can’t make all that money off fees? Will they charge landlords more, and then will landlords up their rent as a result? And what will landlords require if they can’t do credit checks to make sure their tenants can pay their rent on time? DNA samples? First borns? Hopefully this will see a new era of rights for those stuck in the rental market like me, and I consider myself to deserve it, as I’m a supertenant. By that I mean I’m stronger than I appear but overall very bad for you. None of those things are true.
So that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Many humble gracious thankings to you for adding this commotion to your weekly head jangles and don’t forget that if you do enjoy the show, don’t be selfish, share it with the people. Not the sheeple, they’re a bit woolly, I mean the good people who like podthings. Tell them by giving this show a review on your fave review taking pod app or food takeaway site so people send me their orders and I get a man on a bike to deliver them various types of shouts at the television. Or you could just post about this show and share it on your social medias or anti-social medias if yours, like mine, are mostly full of angry people. Also if you can please do donate to the ko-fi or Patreon. I really need those coffees/hard drinks this week and I’m almost prepared to just mix the two and mainline it until next week’s show is a murmuring sloshy mess.
Cheers big ears to Acast for encompassing this show in its sound folds, to my brother The Last Skeptik for all his musical additions and to Kat Day for her endless linear liner note taking work.
This will be back next week when something might have actually happened then as a result the government announces a three week break for parliament to recover from it.
This week’s show was brought to you by Sajid Javid’s Removals Co or SaJaReCo. Got a lot of stuff you need to remove? Just give Saj Jav a call and his crew will turn up, charge your stuff to leave and then immediately replace it with other stuff from elsewhere instead. Want to get that piano from out of your house? Javid and team will turn up, aggressively kick it out before even checking details and then fill the space with a bunch of recorders that they found in a skip. SaJaReCo for when you want a pointless job undone.