Bonus Episode – A mini summer update from Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) to keep you going until the podcast returns on September 18th.
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Hello, it’s me, the man that is still Tiernan Douieb despite my efforts and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, well not properly, but as this show isn’t returning for a few more weeks yet, I thought it best to do a quick break from the summer break. A summer break break if you like or a parpolbro sumbrebre, or PPBSBB if you prefer. It’s just that global politics has once again selfishly decided not to take summer off because that is the consequence of a gig economy. So in amongst the stories about snakes eating pigeons on high streets, which felt like an incredible metaphor for society, or the world being on fire, which also felt like an incredible metaphor for society, or a man falling down a hole in an art gallery that he thought was a painting, AGAIN another perfect metaphor for 2018. I mean that’s weird. It’s like summer news has been the imaginative commentarial prism through which to explain the rest of the year away. If next week a bunch of angry dinosaurs come back to life and trample all over the Californian area of Progress, then I’ll claim my theory is correct. So as well as all that, politicians seem to have seen that it was silly season and said I’mma finna get on that too. Sooooo here is a quick round up of things over the last few weeks just for you. You’re twice welcome. Twelcome.
Former foreign secretary and vandalized beanbag Boris Johnson dunked his nads in the Islamaphobia stew by writing in his Telegraph column that women in burqas look like letterboxes, which makes me really wonder what the Johnson’s local post office was like when he was growing up. Did no one question why someone was always peering out, crying for help as an A5 envelope was pushed into their eyes? Johnson’s article claimed he was against the burqa, despite talking about the niqab and unsurprisingly not even being bothered to research that, because he says it’s oppressive, but that he’s against a burqa ban, before then talking the piss out of the women he believes are being oppressed. It’d be like writing a piece on how necessary child car seats are for the protection of children, while describing kids as disgusting snot goblins who only exist to ruin lives. Rowan Atkinson backed Boris saying his joke was very funny, which is incorrect as a) it’s a really old joke as told by many comedians in the early 2000’s before they learned to be funnier, b) it’s structured pretty badly in the article with the supposed punchline at the start of the sentence, c) jokes are meant to provide an alternative point of view on the world, or surprise the audience into laughing, not trot out the same labored racist point of view already expressed by arseholes. It is worth noting that Rowan Atkinson’s most famous character is a bumbling fuckwit who constantly makes faux pas to the detriment of himself and everyone around him, so you can see why he’s a fan of Boris. Islamaphobic attacks rose after Boris’s article. Some Conservatives condemned the comment, demanding Johnson face disciplinary action, while others supported him, like the idiot’s idiot Nadine Dorries who said she would only speak to someone if she could see their face, which must make phone calls, social media and night times very hard for her. It’s clear after meeting eroding bunion and far right activist Steve Bannon that Boris is now prepared to do anything to become leader, including dog whistle tactics. I can only hope that he’s attacked by a bunch of very angry large dogs before he gets anywhere close to Number 10.
Meanwhile, feeling left out, Labour leader and children’s drawing of a Schnauzer Jeremy Corbyn was accused of attending a memorial for the Palestinian terrorists behind the Munich massacre in 1972. The story, appearing in the Daily Mail, a newspaper best known for its pulping quality, said that Corbyn attended the memorial in Tunisia in 2014, alongside Palestinian politicians with pictures showing he laid a wreath, which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t. Corbyn’s defense was that he was present at the ceremony but wasn’t involved. Yes, like the opposite of Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi. What next? An accusation he smoked weed but he says he didn’t inhale? Being present at an event but not involved means you’ve either trespassed and have only snuck in to steal from the buffet, you’re off your tits on something so it’s entirely passed you by, or you’re being useless. It is all a little murky as Corbyn admitted to laying a wreath to all those who were killed in the 1985 bombing of the Palestinian Liberation Organization in Tunisia, by Israel. However, one of those people was linked to the Black September terrorists, even though they denied it through their life. So, someone’s made a grave error somewhere. Arf. Israeli Prime Minister and reject from the film Elf due to his opposition to sharing Benjamin Netenyahu condemned Corbyn on Twitter saying that he deserves unequivocal condemnation from everyone – left, right and everything in between. Odd, he’s usually very against everyone coming together for the common good. At a speech at the Edinburgh TV festival, Corbyn announced ideas for a radical reform of the news media with greater investment in investigative, public interest journalism. At least I think that’s what he said, but I did read it on a news site so it’s possible they just copied it off a press release.
What it would look like if bin juice dressed up as a human for Halloween, Nigel Farage, is returning to politics even though politics definitely hasn’t invited him. Nige is now going to travel around the country with new pro-Brexit group ‘Leave Means Leave’ full of a bunch of awful people who ironically refuse to fuck off. If you look at the ‘Who We Are’ page on their website, it’s whiter than a polar bear in a snow storm, like some sort of catalogue page for stock models for Anusol, with only one woman involved who the others almost certainly only let join in the hope she’ll be taking the lunch orders. Meanwhile Brexit Secretary and skin stretched over a bollard Dominic Raab was officially sidelined away from dealing directly with Brussels as Prime Minister and inspiration for at least 7 of the Disney villains Theresa May will be dealing with them herself. Which is an incredible way of instilling even less hope in the public. Raab only found out about this as a news alert popped up on his phone, while he faced questions from the Commons Brexit Committee, during which he reassured everyone that were the UK to crash out of the EU with no deal, that there would be adequate food. A great phrase that I wish had been splashed on the side of a bus. Adequate is never really a good prefix to anything, from food, oxygen, healthcare, all the way to rest, fun or girth.
There have also been concerns that a No Deal will affect medicine supplies including insulin which as a Type 1 diabetic leaves me conflicted. I mean a good deal would mean I could continue to survive with my necessary medication as before, but a no deal would mean I’d probably be dead within 2-3 weeks and then at least I’d never have to hear about Brexit ever again. Also Theresa May is a type 1 diabetic, so you see, every cloud. Jeremy Corbyn has said Labour will absolutely vote against a no deal, which likely means that at least 3-4 of them will vote for it, 50 or more will abstain because they’d hope that’d get rid of Corbyn, completely forgetting they might need him during a no deal as his allotment could prove useful for survival. The government have published guidance for if the UK ends up with a no deal, which incredibly wasn’t just a book with Don’t Panic written on the front. Instead it mainly said there’ll be more bureaucracy, more costs, farmers will have at least 9 months before they can trade with the EU, places will have to stockpile things and there’ll be less sperm donations from Denmark, which is ok because all those British farmers will have pretty idle hands for a while. Oh, and there’d have to be new pictures on cigarette warning packs as the EU owns the current ones, so may I suggest just Nigel Farage’s face plastered across each packet? Disgraced MP and international trade secretary Liam The Disgrace Fox still says the UK should set it’s sights high, something that’s easy to do when you’re ground zero and that the country can be a 21st Century exporting superpower but mainly because I think he has forgotten that we’re in the 21st century and the year 2100 onwards is actually the 22nd.
In the US, both the campaign chairman and ex-lawyer of President and bloat drone Donald Trump, have been indicted by the Mueller campaign, with the latter of those, Michel Cohen, a man who looks like if Henry Winkler had a valium addiction, pleading guilty to violating election laws and saying he did it under Trump’s directions. Trump responded on Twitter, of course, by saying that if anyone was looking for a good lawyer, he’d strongly suggest you don’t retain the services of Michael Cohen. Which is just yet further proof that as someone who’s main TV job before the Presidency was assuming the role of someone who knew who best to hire for work, he was even supremely unqualified for that. So with two of his associates facing jail sentences, statements under oath that there was a meeting in Trump tower to get information about Hilary from a Russian source and that electoral law was broken under Trump’s orders, everyone is crossing everything until possible injury that this could mean Trump’s impeachment soon, however Trump has said that if that happens, the market would crash and everyone would be very poor. This feels a lot like a bully at school defending themselves against retaliation by threatening that if you punch them, they’ll also be sick. Trump being impeached and then the market crashing ruining his businesses further, would only be further proof that money doesn’t buy happiness.
British Foreign Secretary and cursed cheese string Jeremy Hunt visited the US and has demanded further sanctions on Russia. Yes, this is a man who once hid behind a tree from reporters, making demands on Russia. It’s like an ant with diarrhea physically threatening an elephant. Earlier in the summer Hunt made a visit to Bejing where he managed to forget the ethnicity of his wife, who is Chinese, and tell his hosts that she is Japanese, proving that he was in fact the perfect choice to succeed Boris in the job. So that’s Hunt now forgetting where his wife is from, forgetting about luxury flats that he owns, generally, during his time as Health Secretary, forgetting what the NHS actually needed and so we can only hope that he’ll soon forget what his current job is and never turn up for work again. Defense Secretary Gavin Williamson confused officials when he suggested putting big guns on tractors and hiding missile systems inside Coca-Cola trucks when looking at ways to cover the defense department’s budget shortfall. Which seems bonkers but again, if those farmers have nothing else to do for 9 months, maybe it’s not such a bad idea? May I suggest they use, ahem, a field gun? Ahem. Thank you thank you.
And lastly in 2017 the Conservatives made more money from dead people than it did from members, earning £835,000 from membership fees but £1.7m from money left to them in wills and legacies. No wonder they’re so keen on people suffering and dying from their policies and consistently running a zombie government.
Sooooo, all caught up? I hope that has helped and will hopefully keep your news vat filled to the brim until this all starts again. Speaking of which, thank you to those of you who have filled out the survey about this show, well except the one person who filled it out and hasn’t listened to the show ever and therefore, who’s opinions are useless. Not that you’ll ever know, because you won’t hear this. Gah, that makes me so angry. But for the rest of you, the feedback has been genuinely useful. Yes, I am trying to find a better way to record interviews so they sound better, and I’ve already found a better way to master and equalize them and other words I don’t really understand. I’m also going to try and keep interviews shorter with any extra bits released as a separate episode so you busy types can skip it, or I’ll pop them on the Patreon and your guest recommendations have been brilliant and I’m trying to get as many of those subjects covered when the show starts up again. And now for the slightly grumpier responses to some of the questions on there: No I won’t interview MPs unless they do have specific non-party or cross-party campaigns I can talk to them about, I will occasionally try to interview another comedian but only if it’s to do with politics, otherwise there are six billion other comedy podcasts out there, try one of those. No I won’t entirely split the comedy and interviews into separate weekly shows even though I can see the appeal but then that makes this two different podcasts which is twice the amount of time and I wish I could spend that sort of time on it but I also have to earn money at some point otherwise my family will starve. No, I’m not getting rid of the harsh descriptions of politicians and no I won’t fucking stop using foul language. I hope that helps. If you haven’t filled out the survey and, considering how many of you listen, most of you really haven’t, but you would like to shape the future of this show, then do click the link in this podcast ep info or I’ve posted it on the Facebook or Twitter pages several times too. I’ll leave it open until mid-September.
Also don’t forget to waste some of your summer reviewing the podcast on your pod app of choice, donating money to the ko-fi.com/parpolbro or patreon.com/parpolbro pages, or listening to old episodes via www.partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or just sending me abusive messages via email about how even on this mini-break break episode I’m managing to cram in that same boring self promoting plugging. You’re double welcome. Delcome.
I also mustn’t forget that if you live in Bath, as in the place, not that you just can’t leave that warm bubbly washroom haven with all your rubber duck pals, then myself and Tatton Spiller of Simple Politics fame are doing our family politics show ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ four times at the Egg theatre on 15th and 16th of September at 11.30am and 3pm each day. After our show in Milton Keynes a boy told us that he thought politics was boring but our show changed his mind. Total win. So bring your little children types to that if you live nearby. Tickets are on sale on the internets somewhere, probably in a little corner somewhere hiding away behind the biscuits. Or on the theatre’s website which is easier.
And that’s it for now, I’m going to retreat back into my temporary news free bubble, which I have to say, is a lovely place indeed, albeit for a crying teething 5 month old who is wailing as though she’s watched the news so to be honest, it’s not all that different. The podcast will be back on September 18th. Make sure you are subscribed, have told everyone you know to subscribe and set up that massive PA system to play it through when it arrives so you can make your neighbours sad.