Episode 99 – Rudd gone! Javid in! A meaningful vote guaranteed! Yeah yeah yeah ok, but it’s local elections too and
the most important thing is who’s in charge of the bins. A very croaky voiced (yes again) Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) speaks to Rose at The Democracy Club (@democlub) about who to find out who to vote for, plus some local election info and of course, Brexit Fallout.
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Episode 98 – Rudd gone! Javid in! A meaningful vote guarenteed! Yeah yeah yeah ok, but it’s local elections too and the most important thing is who’s in charge of the bins. A very croaky voiced (yes again) Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) speaks to Rose at Democracy Club (@democlub) about who to find out who to vote for, plus some local election info and of course, Brexit Fallout.
Links and sources of info from Rose’s interview:
All the usual ParPolBro stuff:
Hello and Welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the podcast that is 48% politics, 48% comedy and 4% subliminal messages from the Illuminati. This is episode 99, I’m Tiernan Douieb and Home Secretary and emoji for ‘I’m constantly disappointed in you’ Amber Rudd has resigned! Yes finally a removal target we all approved of was hit!
Yes Rudd is out and everyone’s least favourite potato Sajid Javid is in, meaning the government has gone from someone who just pretended to be unaware of their own policies to someone who will probably just flee to Australia next time he has to answer an awkward question. Rudd’s letter to the Prime Minister said she was resigning after she inadvertently misled MPs after telling them she wasn’t aware of home office immigration removal targets despite The Guardian finding a letter to the PM from Rudd, where she set them out herself. We’ve all been there right? You know, you’ve forgotten where you put your keys and so had people forcibly deported, right? Or walked into a room, couldn’t remember why you were there and so sent several people to a country they’ve never been before against their will? It’s just old age guys, it’s what happens. Maybe we should be worried about Rudd’s memory loss? I mean it seems like there’s every chance she’ll still turn up to work at the Home Office this week after being unaware of her own resignation letter and promising to look into it. Either that or her resignation letter will get lost and then she’ll try to blame it on the previous Labour government. It is very nice to know though that racism from the government is not tolerated by the British public, unless it’s Islamphobia or you know helps with a pointless Brexit plan.
Of course Amber Rudd was only Home Secretary from 2016 to 2018, but the hostile environment policy, something that sounds like my house after we’ve had baked beans, was started in 2010. And who was Home Secretary then? That’s right, our very own Prime Minister and catalogue model for Dyno Rod Theresa May. So after standing in for May at last year’s television debates, Rudd is now stepping in to resign for her too. Bet Amber is feeling pretty glad no one’s ever made an assassination attempt on May. Amber can now head to the backbenches where she will be able to spend more time creating necessary hash tags and hunting internet giants in her spare time.
Javid is a smart move for Home Secretary as the Windrush Scandal continues; after he stated in the Telegraph this weekend that he was worried it could’ve been him and his family, originally from Pakistan, threatened with deportation. Aw how nice, a home secretary that empathises with the victims of these shitty policies. Except his voting record shows that he’s always backed Hostile Environment policies but hey, I guess how many of us would deport our parents if we had the chance? With Fallon, Green, Patel and now Rudd all resigning in the last six months, more people have left May’s cabinet than a Narnia exit route.
It’s been a tough week for May as not only has she lost her human shield leaving her with just the deflector shield she’s programmed with, but also her favoured customs deal plan with the EU has been described as ‘basically dead’, which is a description that could be used for the Prime Minister as well. The plan was to collect import tariffs on behalf of the EU while setting our own duties for goods coming to the UK. Like some sort of highly unnecessary middle man, which again, is a description that could be used for the Prime Minister. Still, well done to May for uniting everyone by providing a plan so shit all sides hate it.
Speaking of uniting divisions, I’d like to say a yuge congrats to physical manifestation of heartburn, Donald Trump who has successfully ended the Korean War. I mean it’s obvious that leaders of both North and South Korea realised it’d be less painful to have a chat and end a 65 year dispute than have to deal with the fucking idiot that is the US President again. Yes in a dramatic Korea change, North Korea’s own emo Totoro and leader Kim Jong Un and South Korean Martin Sheen leader Moon Jae-in met together for the first time in a number of scenes that looked like a proud dad taking his gigantic baby son for a day trip. Both leaders agreed to rid the peninsula of nuclear weapons, and Kim Jong Un said that they bade farewell to the frozen relationship, though it’s not clear which one of the two he thinks is Elsa.
Meanwhile in the US, Trump hosted French President Emmanuel doesn’t he look all grown up in his suit Macron at the White House. Trump said their relationship was special before brushing dandruff off Macron’s shoulder and calling him perfect. No Donald, you mean prefect. But the two seemed very close in the way that Trump might have to get his lawyer to pay off Emmanuel at some point. Macron trails only slightly behind Kayne in sucking up to Trump this week, with the rapper tweeting that he and the President are both dragon energy which I take to mean that they often leave everything on fire without much thought. Kanye said Trump is his brother, the sort of comment that will upset most of the Trump supporting white supremacists, but I can see what he means. I mean both Trump and Kanye are doing stirling work to increase global hatred towards the West.
Trump has confirmed his visit to London for Friday July 13th of this year. If Amber Rudd had been smart, she’d have said that actually their targets were just to get as many non-white people to somewhere safe before the US President arrived.
In other UK news, Labour leader and Charlie’s Grandpa Joe Jeremy Corbyn met with the heads of the Jewish Leadership Council and Board of Deputies to discuss tackling anti-semitism. The Jewish leaders described the meeting as a disappointing missed opportunity, while Corbyn said it had been ‘positive and constructive.’ With those sorts of negotiating and listening skills, Theresa May should be terrified that he’ll be leader and handling EU talks any day now. Before the meeting Corbyn issued a very strong condemnation of anti-semitism although judging by the meeting that could just mean that he put a reminder in his icalendar to do something about it but forgot to set an alarm. Conservative MP Dominic Raab, a man who looks like he’s about to ask you if you can sell him some coke, is involved in a scandal after a story was leaked that one of his staff was selling sex to sugar daddies on a website. More concerning than this though is that the member of staff in question revealed that Raab has exactly the same lunch from Pret every single day, a chicken Caesar and bacon baguette, a superfruit pot and a vitamin volcano smoothie . I guess if you are what you eat, it explains why most things he has to say are dreary takeaways.
And lastly Sainsbury’s supermarket is merging with Asda, something that Labour say they are concerned about due to the possible impact on suppliers. Personally I’m just hoping they go for the portmanteau or Sada or Assbury’s.
Yeeeeaahhhh here’s the podcast is again. Thank you for being here once again. I mean you’re not here, you’re there. If you were here I wouldn’t need to record this as I could just shout it at you, you know after wondering why you were in my home and calling the police. And welcome to all you new listeners. There’s been a big jump up in subscribers and it is lovely to have you here. Again, not actually here or well, again I’d probably be calling the police but also you’d probably be wedged between a nappy bin and a baby play mat that for some reason plays lullaby versions of world music because I’m bringing up my daughter to have ambitions of running one of those shops that sells only culturally misappropriated stuff like dream catchers and elephant wood carvings. Sorry, hello new people and if you are new, please do check out previous episodes, mainly for the interviews. The last two weeks have been on immigration detention centres in the UK, something that is hugely prevalent with recent news and important to know about and the representation of working class people in the arts. So do check those out. And just a heads up that this week’s show is, well, a tad on the weak side, as I have completely planned my week badly and complications of endlessly crying child and last support gigs means I have had little to no time on the show this week. I am hugely sorry but maybe use the spare time you’ll have left over thinking about how we go about persuading all the museums in the UK to have an Escher exhibition on at the same time so when stairphobic Trump visits in July he’ll have a panic attack.
Of course one thing you can do to help me spend more time on these shows is donate, like Phillip the champion, I’ve added the last bit, that’s not his surname – thank you Philip. He has donated to the Patreon this week which you can do too at www.patreon.com/parpolbro to give me a monthly amount towards making this show. Or for a one-off donation, buy me a virtual coffee which won’t keep me awake but also won’t make me need to shit unexpectedly either so win/win. You can do that at ko-fi.com/parpolbro. And if you can’t donate, don’t worry, this podcast shall remain free for all to hear, but help all know about it, please do give it a review on iTunes or Stitcher or just tell lots of people about it which you can do when you’re all round my house next week as I shout the podcast at you word for word.
No admin this week – there just isn’t time goddamit! – but if you’re the sort of person who likes knowing what I’m up to and perhaps when I’m doing gigs so you can sneak into my home while I’m away, then please do sign up to my own mailing list at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk/contact as I’ll be sending out my May newsletter at some point over the next few days. Basically it’s like an even more selfish version of this show but in word form so you have to add your own jingles. Sounds fun? No, not really. Please do sign up. Oh and lastly, next week is episode 100. Holy shit right. How has that happened? No my plan is to interview a certain pal before then but due to various work commitments that might sadly not be happening. However I have got a few ideas of how to make it a special one but anything in particular you’d like to see, well you can’t, it’s an audio podcast. But anything in particular you’d like to hear, do drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org or on the Twitter or Facebook.
Ok, so on this week’s show, as I said, it’s a real short un. Ahead of the local elections this week I interview Rose at The Democracy Club, a site that has loads of clever ways for you to find out who to vote for, or if you have no clue of where you live then where to vote as well. If you are all at mine, it’s right round the corner so I can take you there, don’t worry. Then I got a little bit on what to look out for at the locals, and there is of course a small Brexit fallout. A Brixit fillit if you like. But this week, as headlines are yet again absent till next week, let’s kick off with this:
Local elections for local people, that’s what I say. This Thursday you, them publics, will head to the polling stations once again as 32 London boroughs, 34 metropolitan boroughs, 67 district and borough councils and 17 unitary authorities will all be electing their officials for the next four years. I’ve no real idea what the last one of those things is but I’m telling myself its 17 areas run by a unicorn called Terry because that’s what the world needs right now. There is also a parliamentary by-election in West Tyrone that day because they were like all or nothing guys, all or nothing. But do you know what these elections are for? Or who to vote for? Or what ward you are in? Clue, if you’ve broken your leg, it’s a hospital one. Lots of people assume that local elections are just to make sure who’s in charge of the bins, or your local park and the bins in that park or why your high street Christmas lights are rubbish but speaking of rubbish what about the bins? But these elections dictate the people who do the majority of local decision making on things from developments, education, social services, roads, street lighting, and yes, most importantly, bins. But also these elections can serve as an indicator for how the general elections may pan out too, as well as serve as a protest or sign of what the public are concerned about most. Clue: It’s bins. It’s always bins.
But do you know anything about the candidates you have in your area? All of the candidates in my area have two names apart from two Conservative candidates who have three names. So greedy. Why not just put, vote for us and we’ll take your names? Unbelievable. If you haven’t got a clue about how many names your local candidates have then why not take a minute to do some research and maybe also find out their views and policies too, especially on what might happen to your bins. One way of doing this is via The Democracy Club, a non-partisan website that helps you to find out who to vote for, where to vote and basically making sure all of you can get your bins just how you like them. Yey bins! This week I spoke to Rose Whiffen at The Democracy Club who told me all about why they do what they do, how they do do it and why you should be doing it too. Here is Rose:
INTERVIEW WITH ROSE WHIFFEN PART 1
And we’ll be back with Rose in a minute but first:
Here is your exciting guide to LOCAL ELECTIONS 2018!
Are you ready? Will you be staying up all night just to find out if Chessington North and Hook actually elects Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Chinners Chinnery, a man who has installed a practice voting booth at his local pub claiming that the only wasted vote is one that isn’t used. Amazing. Well here are a few things to look out for on Thursday and Friday, or if you’re listening to this episode after then, things for you to go, ‘oh that didn’t happen, Tiernan you’re really shit at this.’
This is something I talk to Rose about in the second part of the interview but I thought you should get a quick run down incase you live in one of these areas or are worried about the future of voting or are a nameless individual who travels the country barefoot in search of justice and so likely doesn’t have a provisional driver’s licence. Five areas of the UK are trialling the need for ID for voters to prove who they are before voting because goddamit, too many just wanna fraud their local election votes. Everybody be like, I wanna give my councillor two votes because of they way they get my bins collected on a Wednesday. Actually voter fraud in the UK is super minimum. In the 2015 general election there were only 26 allegations of voter fraud in person voting, and 11 in proxy voting out of 51.4m votes. In 2017 only one person was convicted of double voting and got a fine because he obviously loved voting just too goddamn much. So why set up voter id rather than you know, have a separate booth with some bonus fake voting slips for those that just love putting little crosses in boxes like a funeral director for hamsters? I’m sure Chinners Chinnery could set one up for you if you ask.
In fact this new Voter ID requirements have been called a solution in search of a problem, like the world’s most boring version of jeopardy ever. The Equality and Human Rights commission has said that rather than stopping voter fraud, these new ID checks just disenfranchise people who will struggle to have the right ID, such as those recently victimised by the Windrush Scandal, homeless people or older people. Now some of you younger listeners that were disillusioned by the Brexit vote might be thinking, ‘putting off older voters? I’m in. Can we make it so they only accept snapchat ID?’ But making voting harder for people is never a good thing and it seems around 19,000 voters will lose out in the five boroughs this is being trialled in. Which considering in the last general election former Home Secretary Amber Rudd won by only 346 votes, that number could make a difference. Not that she’d have been aware of that. The five boroughs it is being trialled in have not experienced any voter fraud in the last decade apart from one which was dealt with by a police caution. Imagine going to prison for that? ‘Yo I killed 12 people what about you?’ ‘I robbed three banks with a shotgun. You?’ ‘Er…I voted for Chinners Chinnery twice by voting then walking out, putting a fake moustache on and doing it again.’ Now May has already received stick for this and how it works on Thursday will probably depend on if it’s rolled out or not.
But if you do live in one of those boroughs here is what you need to make sure you can vote:
If you’re in Swindon and Woking bring a photo ID. Apparently a bus pass counts. Not sure if you can use an instagram selfie where you’ve changed your ears to look like cat ears, so don’t try that. In Watford you can use Photo ID or a valid debit or credit card, so maybe you can ask if you can buy a tiny pencil as a souvenir afterwards? Bromley they need two forms of ID because you don’t look trustworthy at all. So take those, and one needs to have your address on and maybe wear a nice shirt so you leave a good impression. Lastly in Gosport you need two forms of ID, one with your address on but you can also apply for an electoral identity letter which you can get from the Gosport Borough Council website although it’s probably a bit late now. I don’t get how a letter would help unless you can prove you are the person it was sent to, but hey, reason number 7563 why this is a bad idea. If you do live in those areas and have problems voting let me know and I’ll give them a call and say I can vouch for you and I’ll also be happy to help with any multiple choice answers as long as you give me a cut of the prize money. Cool? Good luck.
LONDON LONDON LONDON
Not bloody London again. I know I know, the capital has all the fun stuff. Look at us with our hogging all the knife crime and sex pest President visits. Well whether you’re a Big Smoke dweller or not, it’s worth seeing what happens with London on Thursday as recent polls suggest the Tories could lose even more seats making London a red blob surrounded by blue like someone stabbed a smurf. Which in London is possible, what with all the knife crime. Labour already has control of 20 London boroughs and Conservatives only 8, but Barnet looks like it might switch to Labour, especially after a Conservative councillor stepped down after he was deselected by the Tories to run again. Weirdly in 2014 a Labour councillor defected and went to the Conservatives after saying Labour was no longer the party for equality and justice. Cool. If that’s your stand point, then going to the Conservatives is a bit like saying that Veganism isn’t caring enough to animals before insisting on only eating hog roasts. Barnet residents have lots of issues with the councils with them privitising a number of public services over the last few years, so it could be Labour’s for the taking. Also Kensington and Chelsea, especially after the Grenfell tragedy, Hillingdon which is Boris’s borough and Wandsworth and Westminster. Of course, all may stay overall Conservative control but how much they change will all be an expression of how voters feel about unaffordable housing, Brexit and the Windrush scandal among other issues. Plus EU nationals can vote in local elections and there are 1.1m living in London. Though Labour’s Brexit plans are still more vague than a misspelled Madonna song, if any were Conservative voters and now aren’t, it will have an effect. What will it mean if the Conservatives do suffer huge losses? Well it’ll be a symbolic effect more than anything, likely to once again prove that May is very much the Hawkeye of Prime Ministers. By that I mean if she wasn’t around she wouldn’t remotely be missed. And then maybe there might be a Conservative leadership challenge again you know, with all those strong contenders like er….no wait…how about…er….no forget it. But with the anti-semitism accusations of past weeks it also might not be as good for Labour as predicted which would mean that once again the Parliamentary Labour Party would be able to put forward a case for Jeremy Corbyn not being a good party leader and that’d mean that they could have a leadership challenge again with all those strong contenders like er….no wait…how about…er……sorry everyone, as you were.
There are no elections in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland apart from the by-election in West Tyrone, who I believe is Kanye’s cousin. But across England there are loads of seats to watch including Amber Valley in Derbyshire, Trafford, Swindon and Tamworth which are all very narrowly held by the Conservatives at the moment. Could they lose two Ambers in one week? Then Labour is targeting Stockport, Newcastle-Under-Lyme, Dudley, Walsall and North-East Lincolnshire which are all no overall control at the moment and so could end up being majority Labour. UKIP are putting forward 75% fewer candidates than they did four years ago. Hahahahahahahahahahah nice work taking back control lads, you can barely hold onto a chair! Hahahahahahah. Anyway they’ll be going from 2193 candidates to just 550 and that is going to have a massive effect. It’s unlikely former UKIP voters will now be going to anti-Brexit Lib Dems so the swings will likely go to the Conservatives or Labour. But which sort of racism will they prefer? Are they swayed by the anti-Semitism or the predujice towards all Commonwealth residents? So hard to choose. For bigots in 2018, the struggle is real fam.
So those are some things to pay attention to and as Jeremy Vine dances around over what looks like a drunk version of Tetris, Thursday’s vote will not only determine the future of politics, the future of local politics and the future of voter ID but also the future of your bins. So whether you want more trash talk, or to recycle who you already have, don’t waste your vote. Ahem.
And now back to Rose:
INTERVIEW WITH ROSE WHIFFEN PART 2
Thanks to Rose for chatting with me. You can find The Democracy Club at democracyclub.org.uk with links to where do I vote and who do I vote for on their front page. They’re also on Twitter @democlub. Despite that name don’t send them your original music you recorded in your room on a Yamaha and a xylophone, they’ll get sad. All the other recommendations Rose mentioned, many of which like Simple Politics or Full Fact I’ve already had on the show, but all the others will be on the ParPolBro Twitter and Facebook pages over the next week too.
Next week, I’ve hopefully got a fun interview lined up but there’s also a chance it won’t happen, booooo. And this is the problem with interviews
The cabinet are having a Brexit crunch meeting this week, which sounds a lot like a really disappointing cereal. Mm mmm Brexit Crunch, a tasty bowl of completely unprepared ingredients that look good on the box but when served are hugely lacking in everything. The meeting is to discuss May’s plan of a customs partnership which would mean the UK collects EU tariffs as trade comes into the UK and then refunds suppliers if their products stay here. The funny thing about this plan is that no one at all likes it, apart from May. It’s stupidly complicated, has been left too late to arrange and sort out, and for the Brexiteers it worries them that it wouldn’t be sorted out in time and then we’d have to stay in the Customs Union instead. Which when you put it like that, should make Remainers prefer it somewhat.
The preferred Brexiteer option instead is the Max Fac which sounds like a type of make up. Try Max Fac, a make up so powerful it makes your shit show look confident. That would use trusted trader schemes and undeveloped technology to reduce border issues. The best bit about that description? The undeveloped technology. Is that the same undeveloped technology they’ll use for the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland? Brilliant. Well we’ll all just sit here and twiddle our thumbs until Elon Musk or Tony Stark or whichever of those is more likely to invent an as yet non-existent magic customs checking tree does. You do have to give credit to Brexiteers for being so creative. No wonder so many of them are the same ministers who support cutting funding for arts when their brains are a constant free kaleidoscope of imaginative bullshit. I might try that with getting a loan. Hi I’d like a load of money. What’s it for? Oh an as yet unthought of idea, but damn when I get it, it’ll be brilliant.
Sentient fog cloud David Davis has threatened to resign if Britain does stay in the Customs Union which once again proves he has no idea how to negotiate as that’s not a bargaining threat and more another glowing possible positive.
The Lords continue to pull a Darth Vader by removing their gasping villain mask to show everyone that actually they don’t mind taking down the Emperor as they have voted to give parliament a say over the outcome of Brexit talks. Conservative Peer and Californian rasin number 3 Lord Hailsham said parliament not ministers must determine the future of our country. Because what better to determine the future than a 300 year old establishment. But their amendment does mean there has to be a meaningful vote which likely reduces any possibility of a no deal and could possibly mean the UK stays in the EU indefinitely like one of Theresa May’s immigration detainees. Oh the sweet sweet karma. Considering how panicked Brexit ministers are about this new amendment, there’s every chance they’ll change it so a meaningful vote on the EU Withdrawal Bill will mean there isn’t a vote but they definitely thought about it meaningfully.
Meanwhile the EU has stated that Britain needs to have an agreement on the key points of the Irish Border which are mainly, will there be one because there shouldn’t be and when the fuck will you decide? Or should we just put a border in the sea and then everyone doing trading will have to laminate all their documents and get those funny duck buses that can drive and float? Of course what the EU don’t realise is that the government have a solution but it is as yet, undeveloped. The European Commission has said that it’s worried about the UK government’s incompetent lack of preparations for trade deals after Brexit and pointed mainly at Disgraced MP Liam The Disgrace Fox for failing to grasp basic concepts. Something that he won’t understand even if they say it to him slowly. Fox still insists that all trade deals are as he said, preserved in time for exit day, like he’s popped them in carbonite and will lovingly embrace them when they stumble out, blinded with no idea where they are and having to try and negotiate with some sort of crime lord slug monster.
And ultimately Britain has one month to fix the Ireland problem and now even less time to fix everything else. But it’s cool. I’m sure someone will pop along with an as yet undeveloped idea and we’ll all be fine. Any minute now guys…any minute now….
And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thanks again for listening and don’t forget to donate to the Patreon or ko-fi, and review the show at iTunes, Stitcher, your favourite toilet wall or underside of a cow. And if you want to get in touch about absolutely anything politics, comedy or well, bins wise, then please drop me a line at email@example.com or the ParPolBro twitter or Facebook.
Big thanks to Acast for cradling this show like the noisy baby it is, and to my brother the Last Skeptik for the music sounds.
This show will be back next week when I’ll be commenting on Sajid Javid’s awful plan to help the Windrush generation families by giving them an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean.
This week’s show was brought to you by Amber Rudd’s Unawareness Course. Do you feel like you know too much? Rudd’s Unawareness course gives you six simple lessons in how to be clueless about everything, even things you’ve done yourself. Only £6000 but let’s face it we may as well as by the end of the course, you’ll have forgotten just how much it cost and have lost all the paperwork.