Episode 22 – Farewell EU. Tiernan looks at what on earth just happened and speaks to SimplePolitics.co.uk founder Tatton Spiller about it all.
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Well listeners, you know when you wake up from a big night out, with a grin that you had a good time plastered across your face, and then it slowly dawns on you that you did something so terrible you’ll never live it down and yes, everyone can see that tattoo of huge anus now adorning your forehead? Welcome to Britain 2016 where an entire nation decided they’d prefer to ignore experts because they only know actual things and instead adorn their referendum ballots with votes for several irremovable arseholes including Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage. The UK underwhelmingly voted to leave the EU at 52% to 48% wanting to remain and democracy has been served on platter of fabricated rhetoric wrapped around empty promises, or as I like to call them, cheese strings. Moody’s has cut the UK’s credit rating to negative and there’s talks that it could drop from AAA to AA which would be great if we were a fully charged battery. Instead the whole country feels some what drained.
I’m Tiernan Douieb and welcome to the first Partly Political Broadcast of a post EU UK and shit has hit all the EU electricity regulated fans with the force of blonde munster Boris Johnson rugby tackling a small Japanese boy. I can almost hear the sound of Tim Peake clambering back into the Soyuz wishing he’d stayed in space for just a bit longer. Yes it almost feels like Bowie, Prince, Rickman and all the other amazing people that have passed away this year were simply saying ‘So Long And Thanks For All The Fish.’
David Cameron announced his resignation which is YES! Brilliant news! Until it dawns on you that his replacement will either be Cruella De Ville, a possessed vent doll, a lizard robot or the offspring of a bag of piglets and Worzel Gummidge. Yes all those who voted to leave the EU due to it’s unelected bureaucrats will now have a Prime Minister they’ve had no say in choosing. Well done everyone. And essentially what Cameron is really doing is realising he made one hell of a mess and is checking out before the cleaners find it and are so horrified they set fire to the room. Cameron leaves behind him a legacy of warning people not to vote for Labour as they’ll crash the economy before managing to drag it down to its worst since the 80’s all in 2 months. Maybe his problem was that Labour would take too long about it? It’s going to be at least 3 months before a new Tory leader and prime minister is found, mainly because that’s how long it takes to incubate then hatch them.
Meanwhile the Leave campaign have pretty much announced they haven’t got a clue what they’re doing, repeatedly saying ‘there’s no rush’ because it’s always nice to watch things burn slowly. Various Leave MPs have already backtracked on many of the claims they made during their campaign stating that of course they can’t control immigration out of the EU either and no, we probably can’t give the £350bn for the EU to the NHS. Not least because it didn’t exist in the first place and if it did, would now be used to bail out the banks. Although there is a high chance immigration will fall but only because no one wants to come to a shitty recession hit country full of xenophobes and a ton of Brits will probably emigrate to find work. Again, we’ve all opted for the ‘let’s make this so bad even we won’t want to live here’ option of fixing things.
Boris Johnson & Michael Gove delivered their victory speeches with all the awkward embarrassment of someone who’s furiously wanked themselves and only realised, on cumming, that the neighbour’s dog had been watching them the whole time. Boris seemed almost apologetic, making statements about the Brexit will take the wind out of the sails of those who play politics with immigration, presumably because they played with it so hard it’s now had to have an early retirement. He promised young people that we’ll still be a united country and that they’ll still be able to travel round Europe, though considering his promises over the last month he’ll probably concede that tomorrow.
And Nigel Farage with his face like a cow’s stomach that’s been blowtorched badly, he got so over enthused that he finally backed something that won that he quoted Nazi propaganda. It’ll be interesting to see if UKIP continue as a party now that their only answer to every problem ‘we need to leave the EU’ has happened. Of course there is also the possibility he’ll now start banging on about allowing children to smoke and hand guns for everyone so maybe don’t hold your breath. Unless the smoking thing happens obviously. It is incredible that the UK had an opportunity to make him unemployed yet didn’t. If I’ve learned only one thing from Game Of Thrones is that it can only be 1 to 2 more elections before he’s eaten by his own dogs.
UKIP’s future seems sketchy now that they’ve achieved the one thing that was their answer to everything. They’ll either have to find another tedious one note stance like only answering ‘eat beans’ to any comment on the economy or NHS, or like several UKIP councillors already have, defect back to the Conservatives. YEAH! TAKE THAT THE ESTABLISHMENT!
Despite the UK constantly being told it has an obesity epidemic, everyone’s now panicking that the pound’s dropped quite so far. The EU’s financial situation has also taken a hit, probably because losing one member means it’s now part of the 27 club and will probably die soon due to walking in the sea after singing something angsty. Scotland is already talking about another independence referendum which if they have any sense they’ll call Indy 2: The Last Crusade and there are rumours of a referendum for a re-united Ireland. Ultimately you wonder if England and Wales are just in their teenage girl phase where they’ve told everyone to fuck off but now they’ve all gone are actually just in need of a hug and a motivational Facebook meme. On top of all that the Labour PLP want to table a motion to remove Corbyn as leader because they went all Kayne West and realised no one was talking about their party’s infighting for two minutes.
Turns out that after all the terrible jokes about how as well as an in and out voting option we should have had a ‘shake it all about’ that actually, people voted for out and shake it all about, proving no one really knows how to play hokey cokey or why it exists and look can’t I just come to your party and talk to people I like instead of having to dance? Why do you always force me to dance? So many big questions including who will everyone blame next when things are still awful in a year or so’s time? Is making up facts the new politics, if so can we replace PMQs with Would I Lie To style panel shows? And what do ISIS & Hitler’s ghost think of the results?
So yes, a lot to talk about on this week’s show although things are moving so quickly in the political world by the time you hear this, the UK could be dismantled, Spain might part own Gibraltar, London could be an independent state, Sunderland could declare itself another planet and the EuroArmy may have already sieged Norwich and taken it as their own. So yeah, I’ll do what I can. Before all that, again, thanks tons for listening to this. The EU special episode had a good amount of new listeners, so thanks if you were one of those, and it’s nice to know that doing a one hour podcast makes no actual difference to the outcome. I mean, who’d have thought? Also thanks to those who said they enjoyed the mini-episode last week. I know there was a lot to mention with the sad death of Jo Cox, the horrific UKIP poster and more, but to be honest it was so grizzly and so many thoughtful things had been said about it, I thought it might be useful to provide you with a few gags. So I hope that was the right decision and you didn’t feel like I was abandoning you all in a shitty week. Plus I thought it’d be nice to use the EuroBot 3000 again before turning him off forever and shipping him to France. I did wonder about installing a nationalist theme on him but I realised there are too many people programmed with those unhelpful views already.
As always if you enjoy this, please please please spread the word. There’s going to be a lot to talk about over these next few weeks and getting more listeners on board really makes it worth it. Also if you haven’t reviewed the show on iTunes please do that. Even if it’s just a nice 5 star rating and you can’t be arsed to actually write anything. It is always incredible how in this internet age you get comments when you don’t want them but ask for them and everyone seems lost for words. It really does help promote this show so even a couple of words would be handy. Oh and a huge thanks to Kirsty Smith who is the first person ever to email the firstname.lastname@example.org email to say nice things about the podcast but also how she disagreed with almost everything Adam Ramsay said which is totally fair. I’m more than happy to hear your thoughts on the guests and as I’ve said before, I’m not trying to interrogate them, more just get them to explain their opinions and views, so if any of the rest of you want to get in contact about what you did or didn’t like about the interviews or rest of the show, please do get in touch. Saying that I’ve had a lot of tweets saying how pleased you are the With Or Without EU jingle is gone and that hurts. I did ask for jingle submissions and did anyone enter any? No. I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time before something else terrible happens that I can write an appropriately awful jingle for so you can look forward to that.
DON’T IT ALWAYS SEEM TO GO, THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT EU-VE GOT TILL IT’S GONE, THEY VOTED LEAVE AND FUCKED UP AN AWFUL LOT
Right let’s crack straight on with this week’s interview. I spoke to Tatton Spiller, creator of the brilliantly informative SimplePolitics.co.uk on the day of the EU referendum results. You may remember I mentioned on a previous podcast that I was doing a politician free EU referendum panel with Simple Politics which sadly had to be pulled as it was on the same sad day Jo Cox was murdered, so rightly so it didn’t go ahead. Anyway instead I thought I’d ask Tatton to be this week’s guest. He’d been up since 4am, I’d had very little sleep due to staying up till 3am, so I thought it was good time to ask him ‘AAARGGGHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?’ and other important questions like that.
INTERVIEW PART 1
Ok so in the interview with Tatton we cover a fair few topics but I thought I’d add a few extra bits in here that are worth thinking about.
Firstly the majority of people aged 18-49 voted for Remain, with the majority of people aged 50 to 65+ voted for leave. What’s happened there is that after years of making younger people suffer by ruining the property market, crashing the banks, voting in a government who won’t even let them have a pretend living wage, older people have finally got young people back for having youth and nicer skin. Yeah take that for wanting to enjoy and take opportunities in the life that’s ahead of you. They have now been denied the right to live & work in 27 other countries which just reduces an already fragile job market. So yes, ultimately, it’s been ruined for the young people again. Which will either disenfranchise them further from taking part in the political world, or cause a vicious cycle of revenge that will leave a lot of elderly people unable to cross the road and parents & grandparents being put in homes several years earlier than they’d planned. Then again, there’s some results that say only 25-31.5% of all 18-24 year old bothered to vote anyway but I guess it is hard when mobile phones are banned from the polling booth. What’s the point in protecting your own future if you can’t take a selfie of it?
What about the banks I hear you cry! Well don’t cry, no actually, maybe do. The pound has faceplanted all over the shop and while it has slightly jittered like the muscle reflex of a piece of roadkill we have no idea when, if it does, it’ll rise again. That’s good for house prices falling, so I can finally get somewhere I can use as a hiding place for when the Purge starts. However it’s also bad for houses because rising costs of everything will mean I still can’t afford one and therefore will probably die in the Purge anyway. The FTSE plummeted which I think means there’s no light flirting between couples under tables anymore and the stock market lost over £350bn as results were announced which was enough to fund the NHS for 26 years and far more than any costs of staying in the EU and the Bank of England are saying they’ll have to bail out banks again with around another £250bn meaning there’ll probably be more austerity cuts to pay that back, meaning in another few years politicians will pretend it’s actually the fault of immigrants or some other system and we’ll have some sort of referendum to leave our own minds until everything implodes. Important goods costs are going to rise, economic activity will decrease and unemployment could well increase especially if some companies do as they say and relocate to elsewhere in the EU. In the long term things may pick up, but for now, it’s going to be hairier than well me. I’m pretty hairy. If you had a wall of Velcro you could imprison me for years.
Oh and all of that may increase unemployment and recessions across the EU as it’ll effect their exports to us. Countries like Spain, Italy and France who are already at a low point could be hit quite hard, so we’ll be liked across Europe even less than we are already. It’s almost worth us seeing if there’s any way we can drift further into the Atlantic a tad until things cool down.
Immigration wise it’s going to be a little while before that’s all worked out, especially as we’re still in the EU until it’s officially announced that we’re not. However the Mayor of Calais has stated that they want the Treaty of Le Touquet to be renegotiated. So that could mean they will no longer do border control for the UK now we’ve left AND that may mean the refugee camps will have to move to Dover or elsewhere. Personally I think that’s brilliant. We need to take in more refugees and now thanks to xenophobes we might end up aiding the crisis more than before. To use a football analogy, it’s like the most perfect own goal kicked by a fucking idiot who will now have to watch repeats of it every day for the rest of their life while their world crumbles around them due to the consequences of their actions. That’s what happens in football right?
How’s about human rights? Well they won’t be immediately affected but with Cameron stepping down, the Eurosceptic conservatives will likely take charge and they want to leave the European Convention of Human Rights as well. I mean who needs human rights when you’re a giant lizard person anyway eh?
During the campaign a number of people were said to support either Brexit or Bremain, so what do they think now?
Well ISIS are hugely pleased with the Brexit just as David Cameron says. They were very worried about their UK cells not being able to get hold of powerful enough kettles and think with a good cuppa they should really be able to up productivity.
Donald Trump has stated that while currently in Scotland he’s noticed how elated they are for finally taking their country back. Which is odd as they mostly voted remain. Unless he knows something about the next independence referendum that we don’t and he’s somehow there in the future? Or more likely he’s a tedious lying arse warrior and we can only hope Americans aren’t gullible enough to fall for a campaign based on mostly bullshit. You know, like we weren’t.
Both French racist or fracist Marine Le Pen and Dutch racist, or dracist Geert Wilders were excited about the result saying it is now the turn for their countries to do the same because what’s better than one lonely country in economical free fall? That’s right. Three lonely countries in economical free fall that won’t even talk to each other to make it better because they’re all racists and fear that kind of cross communication.
Hitler’s ghost, much like Boris Johnson had suggested, was bang up for Bremain and so felt quite disappointed with the result and thinks the violent and divisive nature of the campaigns was upsetting. Yeah I was surprised too but he said he’s been dead ages and it can really change your perspective on things.
INTERVIEW PART 2
So huge thanks to Tatton for chatting to me mere hours after it all happened. Tatton’s website, as he said, is simplepolitics.co.uk, and they are on Twitter @easypoliticsuk and simplepoliticsuk.
I’ve got an interesting interviewee lined up for next week but after that it’s currently free so if you’d like to recommend anyone or any areas I should find someone to interview about, let me know.
Since interviewing Tatton there has been so much more news with the UK EU commissioner resigning, the EU seem increasingly like they want us to piss off asap and Jeremy Corbyn isn’t stepping down. In fact there has been some analysis saying that he was smart to not share a platform with Cameron or protest for Remain too hard because now it was a Brexit result, he won’t be seen as the ‘Establishment’ leave voters were so against, while perhaps still being seen as a remain protestor to appease the other side. Of course most other analysis says he’s terrible, it was all his fault and if they went back in time and killed him as a baby this would never have happened. While many aren’t keen on Corbyn staying as Labour leader it seems he’s right up there for being the next thing people blame everything on after they realise immigration is really quite fun.
What seems to be most scary about all of this is, well, loads of things. Firstly, there’s the not knowing what will happen. While that’s good when watching a murder mystery, it’s less so when it could mean the financial killing off of your country. Especially if you know already who did it. Secondly there’s the amount of people who said they voted leave, not thinking it would happen and now regret it because they don’t understand how life works and probably assumed it was the world’s easiest multiple choice question ever and are now still waiting for their free Tesco voucher for answering it. There’s no survey on how many people regret their decision and so whether or not it’d make any different if there was a second referendum, but regardless a petition for another one has been signed, currently, by over 2m people. Because there’s nothing like an online petition to incite change eh? Like the petition for er…….wait….er…the petition for er……nope. No sorry. No idea.
Personally while disappointed in the result, I’m holding hope that if paddles don’t become too expensive with this financial crash – and let’s face it, we’d have to import some – then we might be paddling round shit boating pond rather than up shit creek. If we end up in the EEC, still with free movement to most places, that might not be too bad, although Leave voters will feel let down and we’ll be spending more money for that privileged with less say. But we will keep certain important EU laws while not other less important ones and it could work out pretty well if we then forge strong trade with other countries ourselves. But I feel like the biggest immediate problem is something that will require more work to fix and that’s the growing racism that has appeared over the campaign and since the result. There have been so many first accounts of minority ethnic people, many generations British or not, suffering verbal abuse from racists who now think half the country agrees with them. A comedian I know got told to ‘go back home’ from an audience member on Friday night. A writer friend got threatened by someone who told them they wanted to set them alight. That is poisonous, narrow minded and upsetting, and everything should be done to curb that from increasing and leading us back into a mind set that should be long removed from our society. It is depressingly the result of playing politics with immigration, something Boris Johnson now says he’s going to challenge. Thanks mate. And why not bolt that stable door for us eh? No no. The horse died years ago.
EUROBOT 3000 SKETCH
WELL GOODBYE EVERYONE. I WOULD SAY IT’S BEEN FUN BUT I’M A ROBOT AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS. LUCKILY IT ALSO MEANS I DON’T TAKE 52% OF YOU VOTING AGAINST ME PERSONALLY. ESPECIALLY AS THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE BALLOT PAPER ABOUT I, EUROBOT3000. OR YOU’D ALL HAVE STAYED IN RIGHT? RIGHT?
THAT WAS MY ATTEMPT AT HUMOUR. ANYWAY I’M NOW GOING TO TURN MYSELF OFF, BUT DUE TO MY INCREDIBLY CUMBERSOME DESIGN I CAN’T ACTUALLY GO ANYWHERE, SO IT’S YOU THAT WILL HAVE TO LEAVE. YES, I WILL BE WATCHING YOU AS YOU GO AND I HOPE THAT, JUST AS YOU TURN OUT THE LIGHTS, YOU’LL TURN BACK AND LOOK AT ME. MAINLY BECAUSE I’LL MAKE MY EYES GLOW RED AND YOU’LL PROBABLY SHIT YOURSELF. HOORAY FOR SWEET REVENGE! OH WAIT, I’VE NOW REVEALED MY PLAN. SIGH. GO ON, JUST GO. I’LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MONTHS WHEN BORIS JOHNSON CHANGES HIS MIND AGAIN.
And that is the end of today’s show. If you voted Remain I hope you’re not feeling too distraught about the results and do remember that there’s always a silver lining to every cloud, even if it’s actually made of lead and gives you poisoning. I mean, for example, it’ll be pretty damn easy to write this podcast for a while, so there’s always that. If you voted Leave then I hope you’re glad you got your country back from whatever it was that could actually take an entire land mass from it’s place on the Earth. Tectonic plates? Was that who had it? Galactus the planet eater? Anyways, well done. As always you can drop me a line @parpolbro on Twitter, parpolbro on Facebook and at email@example.com. Please do tell others about this show if you enjoy it and if you don’t why not vote to separate yourself from it?
Thanks again to Mark at Energy Studios for making this sound all nice, and to my girlfriend Miss L or @proresting on Twitter who I always forget to thank for her occasional voiceovers on this and for her willingness to stay up watching referendum results despite how tedious it becomes.
This week’s show was brought to you by a general feeling of anticipation that over the course of it slumped horribly before reaching its lowest since the 80’s.