Episode 95 – Putin People First

Released on Tuesday, March 20th, 2018.

Episode 95 – Putin People First

Episode 95 – Still no Tiny Douieb, so here is a mini-episode with no interviewee, just Tiernan on about Russia, Brexit, a bit of school dinners and how he wishes it would all just shut up and go away.

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Transcript

Episode 95

Hello and welcome to episode 95 of the Partly Political Broadcast, a podcast that laughs in the face of politics only for politics to laugh with it, causing me to say no wait, we were definitely laughing at you. I’m Tiernan Douieb and as me and my wife are still waiting for our tiny offspring to finally decide to emerge, we are very much like all the Russian people who have got stuck with shaved mongoose Vladimir Putin for another six years, we know there is now little chance of immediate removal without some sort of outside help.

Yes the Russian Presidential elections have taken place and of course Putin has won yet again, a certainty that the Pope probably uses to check his religion by and bears their latrine locations. I mean, what are the other possibilities? That somehow one of the seven other candidates won even though they included, I dunno, a traffic cone, a child’s drawing of a snail, Bernard from Guess Who and the theory of regret aversion which probably came second. I’m not saying this election was rigged but with the opposition leader conveniently arrested for a fraud conviction meaning he couldn’t run and lots of reports of election tampering, I’m saying if it had sails attached it’d definitely be fucking massive boat. To encourage voter turn out various polling stations had free snacks and entertainment in the form of acrobats or jugglers which I have to say sounds pretty enticing although does really highlight how the whole thing is a total circus. Putin won by over 76% of the vote, which is better than his 2012 victory but also, if you’re going to basically wipe out the opposition and rig the whole thing, still quite shit. Because it’s very hard to like evil morph even if you’re forced to. Maybe he didn’t want to 100% as that’d be too obvious it’s not a democracy but I mean, everyone knows now so you may as well play along with it. If I was him I’d have had the person announcing the results open an envelope and say ‘the winner is… La La Land!’ just for shits and giggles. Putin told a rally in Moscow that voters had recognised the achievements of the last few years, which is like a terrorist applauding hostages for doing what they ask because they’d obviously been paying excellent attention so far, gold star everyone. When asked if he’d be running again in another six years, Putin said ‘What you are saying is a bit funny. Do you think I will stay here until I’m 100 years old? No!’ which as he’s currently 65, is obviously his way of saying he’s staying for another 5 elections.

Well if any Russians seeking change would like tips on how to get rid of Putin, they should take tips from British Defence Secretary and schoolboy with a withering disease Gavin Williamson. His way of dealing with Vlad’s regime was to tell them to ‘shut up and go away’ because he’s a big boy and if they don’t listen to him, he’ll tell his mum you total scrambled egg face. Yes this is Williamson who was apparently very intimidating when he was Chief Whip. Really? What did he do to rally Tory votes? Tell them they were all bum-bum faces and that his dad was bigger than theirs? A spokesperson for the Russian Defence Ministry responded by calling Williamson a ‘vulgar old harpy’ something that isn’t far as he only looks about six. I can’t work out if it’s terrifying that two country’s defence departments are resorting to playground slurs or if this is a positive as it means rather than a nuclear war, it could just result in catapults by the bike sheds at dawn. All of this of course is continued fall out from the suspicious nerve agent poisoning of former Russian intelligence officer Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury, the conditions of whom we have no clue about because that’s not as important as Prime Minister and skin suit wrapped around bonfire remains Theresa May having a jolly at the incident site, holding babies and giving fist bumps. Because there’s nothing that gives her feels like hanging around a place where people had their feels attacked. Russia have continued to deny the attack and stories have been floating around as to whether the nerve agent is definitely from Russia or like a type that started in Russia or has a cousin in Russia that it met once at a family gathering or had read about Russia in a book. Labour leader and regular extra for old French children’s books Jeremy Corbyn for suggested definitive evidence was needed and international treaties are followed before Russia is blamed for the attack to which the Conservatives and other Labour MPs responded by saying he’s a traitor and some sort of ally of Putin, because as we all know that’s what Putin’s all about. Finding evidence and following international treaties. Urgh, what sort of arsehole would want to make sure they had all the evidence before accusing a country with more than 4000 nuclear weapons of attacking a cathedral city? That is so boring and totally un-British which is why I’m super pleased we have Foreign Secretary and water wiggly filled with lard Boris Johnson from cutting to the chase and saying on the Marr Show on BBC that Russia’s denials are not the response of a country that believes it is innocent. Then 5 minutes later when questioned on if he played tennis with the wife of a former Russian minister for a £160k donation to the Conservative party, Boris said ‘Russians are not to blame here.’ I get it, I get it. Friends close and enemies even closer so that they basically help fund your political party a shit load and you really couldn’t do without them right? I see the Conservatives game here. You show them Russkies! What next? Maybe tell ‘em just where you stand by asking for a £1m in return for a game of beer pong and soggy biscuit?

In other news, Chancellor of the Exchequer and only person whose shadow is more colourful than they are Philip Hammond unveiled a slightly better growth forecast and falling debt as part of his Spring Statement. None of that was enough for him to announce an end to austerity but he did say there may be possible spending rises in the future. Woohoo everyone! There may be possible spending rises. That’s pretty reassuring right? I mean he couldn’t have been more vague if he’d popped out a crystal ball and said he could tell someone in the Commons who’s name begins with a letter will probably go somewhere at some point. It was a hugely boring statement overall but Hammond still retorted to comments that he is like the Winnie The Pooh character Eeyore by saying the Eeyore’s are across the chamber and actually he is at his most positively Tiggerlike. Well he’s definitely promoting a fictional cartoon notion that the economy is bouncing.

In the US, President and swollen jellybaby Donald Trump is proving to be even more unhinged than a used door shop, as the past week had him fire Secretary of State and good guy from an 80’s film but bad guy from a 90’s film Rex Tillerson over Twitter, before then getting his own Dobby The House Elf and Attorney General Jeff Sessions to fire the head of the FBI Andrew McCabe for misconduct. When Trump said during his campaign that he would giving jobs to the American people I didn’t realise it was because by the end of his presidency everyone will have worked for the White House for at least 5 minutes each. Trump has named Tillerson’s replacement as Mike Pompeo, a war loving neck with a face, but this hasn’t yet been approved by the Senate. Pompeo has been described as being in sync with Trump’s view of the world, which is a lot like commending an earthworm for being in sync with a slug’s concept of etiquette. Meanwhile McCabe was fired as FBI head just two days before he was due to retire and receive his full pension and all because the Trump Administration has said he has allegations of misconduct against him. Yep. The Trump Administration accusing someone else of misconduct. I swear if Trump lived in a glass tower, firstly it’d still somehow be gold, and secondly he’d be chucking boulders within seconds before blaming everyone else for everything breaking and saying how he always said he wanted to live outside anyway.

The data company that worked with both Trump’s campaign and the Vote Leave campaign Cambridge Analytica have come under fire after the Observer revealed that they harvested 50m Facebook profiles to build a system that may have influenced potential voters in 2016. Because by seeing who posts those stupid positive life message memes they’ll know exactly who’d be susceptible to any old shit. And lastly George Osborne and Tony Blair have joined forces in a collaboration more unwanted than Brian May and Dappy, though in this case Osborne and Blair are somehow both of those. This unholy union is so they can warn that there is a gap in centre politics. Fingers crossed they both fall down it and stay trapped there for years.

ADMIN

No there is still no baby. Grrr they are now 10 days late although to be fair, considering the weather I sort of don’t blame Tiny Douieb for not wanting to come out. Sorry, what I meant to say is, hello ParPolBrods – thanks to previous guest Michael Marshall for that one. I think it works. There is another podcast despite me thinking there wouldn’t be one because it’s almost as if you can’t control when a baby arrives, although it is now getting to the point where my wife is planning what to do if baby just stays in her forever and she just carries it around in a wheelbarrow like an alternative Viz character. Anyway this is a shortish episode because I don’t have an interview lined up because I thought I wouldn’t need one and I don’t have loads of time to write because I’m too busy shouting at my wife’s stomach to hurry up and wondering if I can lure them out with bacon or something like you would do a parasite.

Also thank you for the couple of reviews, whoever gave those and please do add more of those if you can, and welcome to the new subscribers that have arrived over the past couple of weeks. I’m sure it’s hugely baffling to tune in to a weekly show that is mostly me complaining about how there shouldn’t be a show this week. But I’m very pleased you do and please do spread the word and get even more people to listen in to a baby watch podcast that happens to have politics and shit jingles on the side. Speaking of which, thanks to Chris who loved the weird Tom Waits version of the jingle last week and Duncan who absolutely hated it and said it almost drove him to diving out of a window. That’s exactly the sort of response I like on this show, so taking both those into consideration, here is this week’s punk themed admin noise:

PUNK JINGLE

If it helps my neighbours hate that version a lot too. If you particularly love or hate the admin jingle please let me know what styles you’d like future ones in, or feel free to also make and send in your own versions, all of which you can do at:

PUNK JINGLE

Hee hee hee. Hee hee hee.

So as I said, no interview on this week’s show, it’s all my not at all dulcet tones whining away at your ear drums like the world’s most apathetic alarm system. What will I be whining? Well surprise surprise I will whine a little Brexit, a lotta Russian around and just a smidgen of this nonsense:

HEADLINES

ONLINE PORN CHECKS

Not sure if you were aware but the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport are planning to implement compulsory age verification checks on porn sites in the UK which is odd because the government seem quite happy for people of all ages to see everyone getting screwed through their policies. These age checks were meant to come without warning in April but they’ve had to be delayed due to, well, the DDCMS not really having a clue how to do it. Tee hee. Do it. Stopping children from stumbling onto explicit sites is important but the ideas put forward would mean credit card checks or passport authentication which means those checks need to have safeguards for privacy and security otherwise you could find next time you go through border control that the guards know a little too much about your preferences. It would definitely change the meaning of a hard or soft border. The DDCMS haven’t yet released guidelines as to what the regulations should be and no one really knows how it will be done so it’s unlikely to happen anytime soon. Until then their plans will be very much like how the possibility of sex was when I was a teenager, just vague made up notions of how it will work, nothing much happening anytime soon and when it does, it’ll no doubt be a huge disappointment for all involved.

CHILDREN’S FREE SCHOOL MEALS

Last week, depending on which papers you read, ha! Who am I kidding, no one reads papers anymore. Sorry I mean depending on who you follow online, you either saw that the Conservatives have cut free school meals eligibility that could deprive a million kids or you read how Universal Credit now means 50,000 more children get school meals than did before. Now from my leftie generally not a dick oh god I hate the government biased viewpoint I took the former as gospel. Of course they’ve deprived kids of food, next they’ll have an initiative to snatch candy straight from babies and hire unpaid wardens to walk around telling puppies to fuck off. The second headline about Universal Credit doing any good seems bonkers when it’s generally known as the political version of failed expensive online app Vero. What’s Vero? Exactly. But the truth is, both headlines are sort of right. The vote last week rejected Labour MP Angela Rayner’s bid to block to motion that children from Year 3 and above with a family who earns more than £7400 will no longer be eligible for free school meals. This means all children in years 1 or 2 or reception which I still think is child labour because how can they let visitors in or take calls, sorry, they will all still get free school meals, as will anyone already entitled to them, and of course anyone who’s family earns less than £7400. The Department of Education has estimated that this change will mean 50,000 more schoolchildren will get free school meals than under the previous benefits system. But Labour used figures from the children’s society who stated that under the notion that all children would get free school meals, then 2.8m would be entitled but with these new changes, 1m of those now wouldn’t be. Plus the government have always said their policy of free school meals for all would not be permanent and the enrolment for these school meals isn’t automatic so schools will have to waste time encouraging parents to sign up which will probably be an annoyingly difficult series of phone calls or emails to people that never respond to you and you start to wonder if there’s just a ringing phone in an empty room in a desolate building with just a dog barking at it. So yeah this new eligibility test means more kids get food than before but still not as many kids as could get food so not amazing but really they’re all just hypothetical children at the moment anyway so really you can imagine they eat what you want or don’t want them to at this stage because there’s every chance the government will antagonise Russia so much they either nuke us or invade and then all our children will be too busy eating cabbage in a gulag to go through eligibility tests. Yes that is a horrible and quite far fetched scenario but alternatively as they are hypothetical children we can also imagine that actually they’ll be having daily banquets after Theresa May got stolen by flying monkeys and it’s all ok and lovely and sunny apart from the rise in childhood obesity and the constant worry the flying monkeys will return and take less deserving individuals. Oh god it got dark again. Sorry everyone.

RUSSIA THINGS

All publicity is good publicity as they say and if they, whoever they are, are right then this week Russia’s PR people are having all of the cocaine and champers as Russia is all over the news like a rash. In Russia the Presidential elections lead to Putin winning his 4th term and another 6 years of power to add to his previous 18, all in all making you wonder if the rules of Russian roulette now just involve firing a pistol at your opponent till they die then taking all their stuff. In Syria, the never ending saga that’s more depressing than Eastenders even with more atrocious acting, Russia have backed Assad’s regime using Internationally banned weapons on the people of Eastern Ghouta, killing just under 2000 so far. In the US the Mueller Inquiry rages on, investigating the possible Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential election because really how else do you explain that dried apricot with horror teeth winning. And here in the UK, Putin’s government are the major suspects in the use of a nerve agent to poison a former intelligence officer exiled in the UK and his daughter. Oh and now another Russian exile, Nikolai Glushkov who police deemed died by compression to the neck and so are considering it to be a murder case. To be honest, I’m really not sure they were right, none of this seems like great publicity unless you really, really want dibs on the role of next Bond villain.

Now for long time listeners, you might remember back in episode 49 when I spoke to comedian and political translator Konstantin Kisin who’s family were politically exiled in the UK from Russia and that’s worth going back and listening to for a background into Russian politics under Putin. But for today’s podcast I just want to look at the story in the UK, because there’s a lot of info to get through and also a lot of info we don’t have that I can quite happily and easily tell you we don’t have because I’m very informed at lacking knowledge about things. And I should say, this doesn’t contain any conspiracy theories, just what we know now. If you’ve seen my last stand-up show, you’ll know my opinion is that humans are generally too incompetent to manage conspiracies, but it is often nicer to imagine that someone has the smallest of clues what they’re doing as often, especially in the case of the British government, the truth that they are as clueless as you or me, is far more terrifying. Anyway, here’s what we know so far, in a punchy bullet style format, yes that’s right I’m Russian through it:

THING 1: Who Is Sergei Skripal?

Sergei Skripal, the victim of the attack, is a former Russian military intelligence officer who became a double agent or agent agent as I call them, for the UK intelligence services in the 1990’s. Apparently he had the codename ‘Forthwith’ because either he didn’t fuck around with intel or they already had three other double agents with, er stuff. Anyway he was arrested in 2004 in Russia and sentenced to 13 years in prison, but was swapped along with three other Russian nationals imprisoned for espionage in 2010, for ten Russian agents arrested in the US. That must be nice knowing you’re worth 2 and a bit of them. He was pardoned by then Russian President Dmitri Medvedev and moved to Salisbury in 2011 where he kept providing UK & Western intelligence services with intel. I dunno what on. Salisbury I guess? I’ve seen Hot Fuzz.

THING 2: What was the nerve agent used? Is it Russian?

The nerve agent that was used in the attack on March 4th on Sergei and his daughter has been identified as Novichok by Porton Down, which is a science park in Wiltshire that also sounds like a catchphrase from a naval based gameshow. Novichok was developed in Russia between 1971 and 1993 and were said by the scientists who developed them to be the deadliest nerve agents ever made though and that is some serious humble bragging. They were created specifically to be undetected by standard 70’s and 80’s NATO detection equipment, to defeat NATO chemical protection gear, to be safer to handle than other older agents and to somehow get around all the Chemical Weapons Conventions list of prohibited nasty shit. Basically this wasn’t done at some make a nerve agent sleepover weekend, this was created to do horrors. Former versions of it had been used before to poison the head of the Russian Business Round Table and his secretary, a murder that another banking rival was convicted for but many believe he was framed by Russian security services who actually did it. Smart, I mean who would trust a banker’s word over anyone else’s?

The main development site of Novichok which was located in Uzbekistan, was shut down between 1999 and 2002 by the US Department of Defence in collaboration with the Uzbekistan government though a British chemical weapons expert says Novichok was only produced in Russia. Last November at The Hague a plaque was unveiled at the HQ for the Organisation for the Prohibition Of Chemical Weapons commemorating the destruction of all of Russia’s stickpiles of all its chemical weapons. That was about 40,000 tons of chemicals which is more than any other country in the world had, except maybe the Creamfields weekender. OPCW say none of it’s member states now carry Novichok and Russia is a member. In fact the only countries that aren’t are Israel which signed the convention but didn’t ratify it, Egypt, North Korea, Palestine and Sudan who are eligible but haven’t done it yet and China which has a limited recognition of the international community but says hey we agree with it, even though we don’t know who most of you are, have we met before somewhere? I think. The OCPW have now been sent a sample of the agent that poisoned Skripal and his daughter and tests could take up to two weeks because them’s thorough.

So fingers point to Russia or a Russian agent that somehow stockpiled Novichok in the UK or a rogue agent who also had their own supplies, or as Russia suggested, Porton Down apparently. Sure, that’d work. The scientists at Porton Down got real pissed, thought fuck Salisbury, and had a go, then later when hungover identified it and thought let’s say Russians, no one’s liked them since Ivan Drago. Hmm, seems implausible. But as yet, unless there’s evidence we don’t know of which is likely as why would anyone share it with me, there’s no definite culprit and if you want to play the murder mystery game the Russia is too obvious as that’s who everyone would think it is from the start and actually it’s the old lady who no one suspects, but if you want to play the real life game of actual horrible shit that happens, it does look mostly like it’s Russia.

THING 3: But why would Russia do it?

Which is a good question because they’ve got the World Cup coming up and that’ll bring in such big bucks they don’t want tourists not coming incase they get done in for sharing match tips. At the time it was also the lead up to the Presidential election and proof that Putin ordered assassinations of Russians in exile abroad might’ve meant he got a very slightly smaller margin from the election he was going to win anyway but that margin means a lot to his image. His image of a misshapen rubber body suit of Ross Kemp. Also it really messes up any other sweet spy swaps they may want to conduct in the future. When might they want to do that? I have no idea, it’s spy stuff. No one knows ever. Unless they’re shit spies obvs. I dunno, maybe they just got pissed and thought fuck Salisbury.

THING 4: IS CORBYN A RUSSIAN COLLABORATOR?

Corbyn’s statement basically said, we should condemn Russia for it’s shit record on human rights, but we need evidence before we say it’s definitely them and sometimes UK intelligence services can be shit. I’m paraphrasing but that’s what the statement was which, whether you love him or hate him, sounds pretty sensible dunnit? His record on these sorts of things is not bad you know? Saying hey we should have some evidence of these WMD’s before we invade Iraq, and had the same caution with Libya and Syria and Afghanistan too all of which have proved him totally wrong because they turned out to be sweet, sweet successes and hooray for the UK saving the world again…. What? Oh really? Oh. Oh dear. To be honest as a civilian knowing that Russia has 4000 nukes, a strong relationship with China, a ton of strong connections with Middle Eastern countries, and supplies just under 40% of gas and oil to the European Union, it sort of feels like it’d be smart to make sure it was definitely, definitely them before we poke that bear with a long pointy stick. But that’s not very British is it? Or fun. And how dare he politicise a murder attempt by er, expressing caution? Total dick. If he was a super British patriot he’d just telling Putin to go fuck himself in a pit of borscht with a dead eagle and then tell Russia we’ll fire our out of date Trident system that the US has to ok first straight at them if we’re allowed and then maybe if they blow us all up we won’t have to go through with Brexit. Yeah British Values! Weirdly Theresa May has not given Corbyn access to the same level of intelligence briefing she had on Salisbury even though that’s usually the done thing with opposition leaders because there’s nothing like politicising a murder attempt eh?

THING 5: What is the Magnitsky Agreement?

Well firstly, it’s not an awesome PI series from the 90’s but is instead a US piece of legislation that was signed by Obama, remember him, yeah a President who said things like he actually meant them and could structure sentences, good times. It was created after the death of Sergei Magnitsky who died in real suspicious circumstances in a Moscow prison after whistle blowing on fraud done by Russian tax officials. He was found chained to his bed in a puddle of his own piss but you know, not in a Saturday night way. Officials sent for a psychiatrist instead of a doctor causing him to die from pancreatis. Anyway the Magnistsky act made immediate sanctions against anyone involved or who participated in the detention, abuse or death of Sergei Magnitsky, or was involved in the crimes he whistle blew or benefited financially from everything that happened to him. The UK has it’s own version that was being debated in the house of lords to include human rights violations and now if the government decides to put it through, will probably include anyone with even the tiniest connection to the Salisbury attack. So them Porton Down scientists should be bricking it right? But seriously though, a ton of Russian officials have properties in London worth millions and over 3000 Russian kids are enrolled in UK schools so by banning certain people from entering the UK it could really pee them off. And then their properties would just sit all empty in the UK, like all those other ones owned by other overseas investors.

THING 6: But would the Tories do that when they get so many bucks from Russians?

Clever asking me. The Conservatives received over £800k in Russian linked donations since 2010, including £160k from a banker who is married to Putin’s former deputy, so she could play tennis against Boris Johnson which I assume is as challenging as playing football against a flattened blancmange you’ve stuck a shoe on. The same banker spent £30k at an auction for a dinner with Gavin Williamson so he can show her his world cup stickers and tell her about his day at school probably. There are various guidelines on donations set out by the electoral commission which means they have to be from permissible sources in the UK and declared and reported and while the Conservatives will most likely have done all that, it still doesn’t mean ejecting a lot of rich Russians won’t have an effect on their bank account. Personally I’m hoping they don’t eject them just as the next logical move is for the Russian banker to bid to go abseiling with David Davis and he won’t plan for it even though he says he has and will have hilarious consequences as he’s stuck up a cliff for ages.

So that’s where we’re at. The UK now has the backing of the EU, Canada and the US, sort of, in demanding Russia answer the UK’s questions, but you know, with something other than ‘Porton Down are bastards’. And maybe in a few weeks the OCPW will be able to say exactly where the chemical weapon is from. And when they say Porton Down, we’ll all feel like fucking idiots.

BREXIT FALLOUT

Real quick on this week. The UK and the EU have made a decisive step, which is exciting. I’m guessing the EU were leading and the UK have tried to avoid clumsily stepping on their toes as often as they have been previously. This decisive step is that an agreement there will be a 21 month transition period after March next year which means there won’t be a cliff edge in 2019, but instead on January 1st 2021. Yes we can ring in the new year by actually forgetting auld acquaintances which I’m sure isn’t the point of that song at all. We will still be following EU laws during that time period, including the Commons Fisheries Policy which means the UK won’t yet have control over it’s own waters and who can access them. Because you know, fish totally obey international boundaries all the time. Nemo had to go through a shitload of passport checks if you watch the deleted scenes. The Scottish Fisherman’s Federation warned the EU to be careful what they do over those two years or the consequences later would be severe. Like what? A fish head in their bed? Fisherman’s Friends will be sold as ‘mints for bastards’ abroad? Haunted Lord Snooty Jacob Rees Mogg is going to fling fish from a trawler in the Thames in protest of the fisherman betrayed by the Brexit deal. I mean, all that’s doing is returning fish to their natural habitat like the world’s most lacksadasical animal rights activist. What next, unloading bacon into mud for the farmers? Vomming up cheap booze in Wetherspoons for stupid giant faced Tim Martin?

Also guess what, the Irish border still hasn’t been solved but hey there’s now an extra two years so maybe if we all ignore it it might sort itself out and go away right guys? Guys? Guys?

Meanwhile the EU citizens rights in the UK campaign from the Home Office won’t go live until later this year, which means they’ll have about 3 years to do 3.5m registrations so just under 5000 per day and the home office says they’re increasing staff by 15% but as pointed out by Labour MP Yvette Cooper it’ll be at least a 50% workload increase. My solution, hire in a load of EU migrants to do it. Problem solved.

END

And that’s all for this week’s shorter Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thank you bazillions for listening and don’t forget to donate on Patreon or ko-fi, and review on itunes or podboob or castarse or wherever and generally warn others that there is a whole podcast that pretends to be about politics but is mainly the tale of the descent of an impatient soon to be father. I mean, sorry, tell others to listen in. Please do send in your own admin jingles if you like, I’ll post the lyrics up on the FB page when I remember to. Yes I am still shit at doing the FB page, yes please help by posting other politics based things on there.

Thanks to Acast for letting this noise taint their platform and to my brother the Last Skeptik for all the beepings and boopings that go on in the background.

This may be back next week by which point my wife may have burst, but also I’ll be reporting on the news that Gavin Williamson has unleashed his ultimate UK defence plan of closing his eyes, putting his fingers in his ears and hoping everyone just leaves him alone.

BYEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was brought to you by Gavin Williamson’s Guide To Defending Your Nation with top tips on how to ward off international criminals by telling them they smell of farts, how to stop terrorism by saying ‘anyone who does that is the worst of the worstest’ and his plans to line the coasts with raspberry blowing guards to prevent invasion. Gavin Williamson’s Guide to Defending Your Nation, if you don’t buy it then I’ll tell your mum.

Email Tiernan