2017 Snap Election Bulletin

Released on Tuesday, April 18th, 2017.

2017 Snap Election Bulletin

There’s going to be a bloody general election in ONLY 7 WEEKS! A wee bonus episode because thanks to Theresa May episode 56 is already out of date.

WARNING: THIS BONUS EPISODE CONTAINS AN ABSOLUTE F*CKTON OF SWEARING.

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Further Reading


Transcript

BONUS SNAP ELECTION EPISODE

EMERGENCY PARTLY POLITICAL BROADCAST BULLETIN

NEWS JUST IN: FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKETY FUCKETY FUCK FUUUUUUCK

Here we bloody go again. Yes, Prime Minister Theresa May has called a snap election, so called because if all the elections and news of the last few years haven’t broken us already, this one bloody well will.

Theresa May announced that she’d be making an important statement at 11.15am today, and I was hoping that she would be confirming her role as the new Doctor Who, thus clearing up why she’s been so intent on taking the country back in time. But no, instead after months of saying there wouldn’t be a snap general election, Theresa May announced there would be a snap general election on June 8th because, get this right, it’s almost like the Conservatives always go back on their promises. I know right? I really hope that’s their campaign slogan for the next few weeks. ‘We said that there’d be no snap election. Now vote for us at this snap election based on these manifesto promises.’

Why is this happening? Well as an unelected Prime Minister with a huge lead in the polls about to go forward with an era changing plan for the country, May wants the majority to do what she likes. And because with less than two years to implement Brexit why not spend at least six weeks of that pissing about with election campaigns? I mean to be fair when I have a big job on, I like to find inventive ways to procrastinate too. Oh and it’s also because she knew I’d released episode 56 of this podcast only this morning and really wanted to make sure it’d be out of date just hours after it arrived in your ears. BLOODY THERESA MAY!

Jeremy Corbyn has said he welcomes the election, but judging by people he’s previously welcomed – hamas, hezbollah and the IRA – this might not be a good thing. To be fair Labour have to say they welcome this news. I mean, it wouldn’t do them any good to make an official response to the news ‘Oh fuccccck we’rreeeee fucked! FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!’ as I can’t imagine that’d help with votes. Similarly everytime this morning I’ve seen reporters ask Jeremy Corbyn ‘will you be stepping down as Labour leader if you lose?’ they can’t actually expect him to ‘yeah actually, can’t bloody wait. Dunno why I’m bothering with the next 6 weeks at all’ BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW POLITICS WORKS. But how will Labour do? Well their new policies are well liked, but their leader isn’t and personally I’m really hoping they’ll make a big announcement that their new leader is the Thor Ragnarok trailer because then it’ll be an easy win. The Lib Dems have also said they’re looking forward to the election but let’s be fair, they’d probably be excited about a pond bottom drain if it got them out of the house. UKIP’s leader and Pinocchio stunt double Paul Nuttall said that every vote for his party will remind the PM that people want a clean Brexit. So judging by his election record so far, he’d be better off popping that as an event on her google calendar. And former Prime Minister and knee with a face David Cameron said it was a brave and right decision by May to call an election which is a bit like popping by to congratulate someone for chucking fire lighters on the mass blaze you started and ran away from.

Other than that, who really knows? And here begins many questions that I’ll ask over the next few weeks on the proper podcasts including will any party take the risk of promising to reverse Brexit? Will the SNP lose or gain a bigger majority and what does that mean for the second independence vote? How do we make sure absolutely no one votes for Aaron Banks? Will anyone actually be bothered to go out and vote again after only voting in local elections the month before? Will the Manchester by-election go ahead and if so, will people be able to vote someone in just for a month to give them a go? And should I start a party on the basis of just promising that there’s no way we’ll have another election until everyone’s had a nice rest?

And here I was worrying about what to put in the podcast while we’re waiting for Brexit. Well strap yourselves in as well, health and safety is very important. But also because I’ll be trying my very best not to just release a weekly podcast of an hour of me just screaming ‘OH FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK’ until June 8th, and then probably for a lot longer afterwards.
As always drop me a line @parpolbro, the parpolbro group on Facebook or partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com, throw me some dosh at the parpolbro patreon or ko-fi.com page and review us on iTunes. Or you know just pray the US North Korea war as mentioned in this week’s proper podcast kicks off really soon then none of us will have to fucking bother. To be honest that is looking like the preferable option right now.

Be in your ears next week when honestly, who the fuck knows what will have happened?

Email Tiernan